Never enjoyed sex - just causes stress - no social skills - any suggestions?

Question

I wasn't sexually active until my early 20's - sex was always uncomfortable, alot of guilt and repression - i've had maybe a handful of partners, one or two "steadies" and am now in late 30's
I've never felt that I "got it" regarding sex - like there was some huge aspect I was missing out on - it was an empty gesture - it was never what I'd call "fun" considering the amount of stress, anxiety and tension associated with the entire course of events leading up to/during/after the event
I think it's basically too late for me at this point to have a sex life, I never really "dated" either, not casually, other than mingling if there was a large group
I even had a period thinking I might be gay, (had gay friends, was open to the possibility, but I know that ain't the issue either)
I'm fairly sure it's some repressed issues from growing up that I'm just now beginning to realize, really ****ed my head in terms of having "normal" sex relations, well, "normal" social relations, period

howdy there "clone" who looks just like my pic - lmao - uh and no I'm fairly positive what I've experienced is not "normal" - I didn't go into all of the details

Answer 1

I don't think it's too late for you to have a sex life, but you're obviously going to need some help. Have you ever heard of sex surrogates? These are people who work with a counselor to help you shed whatever problems are causing your inability to enjoy a normal sex life (and other dimensions of your life, as well). Check this page out:

http://www.surrogatetherapy.org/SurrogatePartnerTherapy.html

I've never had the need, thank gawd, but you sure sound like a candidate for surrogate partner therapy. It's been around for a long time, and it's helped a lot of people. Good luck!

Answer 2

It's hard to answer this question because I think it's evident that there are a lot of details missing.

It might just be because up until now sex has felt forced or was performed in a manner or situation that you weren't into. Maybe you were trying too hard or maybe it just didn't feel right and you went along with it anyway for her sake. Try focusing on yourself more. Find out what turns you on. Maybe you were meant for something deeper and the cheap, forced stuff is all you've had so far. You just need to find your match.

I do have a question: Did you grow up to be religious or in an environment that enforced celebacy? That might make it hard to enjoy the thing that you had been told not to for so long.

Answer 3

Maybe you should talk to a counselor? I don't understand the anxiety/stress factors you are talking about. That doesn't seem normal because you should be able to just let go with someone you really like. Maybe you haven't been with someone you REALLY want to be with and that's holding you back? We all look funny having sex, it's weird sometimes & it's normal to feel those feelings! But, you sound afraid of it almost.

Have faith that you will find the one that will make you happy & everything will fall into place.

Answer 4

I find it very interesting that you referred to sex as an "empty gesture." Y'know, sex is one of those things that for a lot of people has strings attached. Some people can just go out and have sex with pretty much anyone, and it's meaningless. But for other people, it's deeper and more complicated. But the main ingredient for sex not to be an "empty gesture" is to have sex with the right person. Sex with the right person can be deep and meaningful one time, a healing gesture another time, then just plain fun another time. Sex is a lot of things, but unless it's shared with the right person, I see how it can be just an "empty gesture."

There's obviously no one in your life right now, and given that you're a little confused, that may be a good thing. Maybe you need to take a bit of time to breathe and get your head on a bit straighter. It's alot easier to create a path of happiness for yourself when you have an idea of where you want that path to lead. And I have a feeling that if your head is on a bit straighter and you have a better idea of who you are and where you're going, the rest of the pieces will fall into place. When you find a good person to be with - somebody you have things in common with, who like to spend time with, you puts you as a priority in their life, and who you can laugh with - sex is anything but an "empty gesture." But there's no rush. Take your time and find a good person to share yourself with. The rest of it will find its place in your relationship.

Answer 5

I think you answered your self if something happened in the past you may want to look into that issue a little more. And One other thing have you ever found love in any of your connections? If not maybe you should get a real feel for the person before sleeping with them.

Answer 6

It's pretty common to feel guilty and uncomfortable if you're having sex just because you think you should. Once you find the right person and you're truly ready, those feelings won't exist. And maybe you just don't like it; that's not entirely impossible either. But I'd say you've been having sex because you think it's what you're supposed to do in that situation, rather than waiting for the right time and the right girl (or guy).

Answer 7

Maybe you were molested as a child! There must be some reason that you associate sex with guild and bad feelings!! You should see a therapist and try to figure it out!!!

Answer 8

OK...but what is your question? Are you asking if we think that something may have happened to you as a kid? Sounds like it's a big possibility...have you considered counseling for it?

Answer 9

maybe your not have sex wit the person that REALLY turns you on. you might just be lusting over the wrong gurls

Answer 10

you might want to seek some professional help.