How do I connect with my mother in law?

Question

This woman just does not like me or approve of me, through no fault of my own. Let me explain. My hubby was married for 20 years and his ex was extremely close with his mother. They shopped together, called each other, etc. Well, after the divorce his mom felt like she has been fooled all those years because it turns out that her ex-daughter-in-law is a real piece of work and my hubby kept it concealed for all those years. So, he meets me and all through our courtship she disagreed with him being with me. Said it was too soon for him to move on, she doesn't like the fact that I brought two children under ten years of age into the relationship since his are grown, doesn't approve of the 15 year age difference, whatever! Well, even after being married and around these people for three years, there is a marked tension. They'll call here and talk to my hubby and not even ask about me, or when we do get together I will get the obligatory half-assed hug and kiss on the cheek.

Conversation is left to surface topics such as politics, child rearing, topics on the news, etc. It's so shallow and so uncomfortable, and if this woman and the rest of the family were so worried you would think they would attempt to get to know me, but they don't! They ask me no questions and know only what my hubby tells them. They literally barely speak to or acknowledge me and it's hurtful no matter how I try not to let it get to me. My hubby says they just need time and everything will be ok. I doubt it. Please help!

I have nothing in common with this woman but her son, and she doesn't believe I'm good for him so how can I reach her?

I am hosting the holidays this year and do not want another tension filled day, especially in my own home!

Answer 1

This is a really upsetting situation to be in, but from what you write it does sound like the problem lies with them and not you..It wouold be a good start to talk to your husband, which im sure you have already (you don't mention if you have his support or not?!)
At the end of the day, it is your husband's decision to be with who he wants and not theirs even though it sounds like they would be more than happy to choose for him...i doubt it has got anything to do with you really but for some people it is hard to deal with a divorce (esp the older generation (Take my aunt for example, she has beenmarried for 18 years to a man that was nice enough but no one really liked him that much, they have now divorced and my grandma is really bitter and upset and told my aunt that a divorce wasn't the solutiuon...my aunt is now with a lovely man that everyone loves but my grandma refuses to even give him as much as a nod when he walks into the room...how unfair is that!? But it is her problem, not his).
I know it isn't easy but try to put on a brave face when you do get togethert and don't expect anything from them, maybe they'll come around one day when they get used to the idea...For now , just enjoy your marriage and be youself, you sound like someone who's aware of what matters in the world and even though it would have been nice to be friends with the in law, you can't always be, what matters is your marriage and your children so use your enenrgie and love on that and not on someone who's not appreciating it..they will soon enough see that you are good for their son...

Goodluck!

Answer 2

You aren't married to your husband's mother -- so why worry about whether they ask for you when they call? You don't seem to happy about their existance anyway. I feel as if you are allowing their attitudes and ways of life to effect your emotions.

Maybe realize that everyone doesn't love us to death -- getting along and being ammicable is probably enough. Depend on those who truly love you for acceptance... such as good friends, your extended family and your kids and husband, instead.

Your mother in law probably feels quite an impact from the years she was close with her ex daughter in law, too. They had a good, 20 year relationship and now it's over. she's suffered quite a loss, whether you can see that or not. They developed a relationship as "friends" over the years, it seems... and that is quite ok.

It's not YOUR fault. So don't expect to take her place... she was a different person from you and was around for 20 years before you ever came on the scene....

Worrying about what other people think and do, whether they talk to you on the phone or ask about you is a set up for a BIG let down... Just take each day as it comes... relax about it, and realize there are many other people in your life who DO care and have concern for you.

Maybe someday, things will improve. Meanwhile, there comes a time in our lives when we have to accept others at face value...

take care hon.

Answer 3

Well, your mother-in-law is probably not feeling too trusting after finding out that your hubby's ex was awful -- she probably feels badly about being fooled and doesn't want to go through that again. It's hard and very painful come to grips over a long-term intimate mother/daughter relationship with someone who has betrayed them and their beliefs about them.

I'd take the bull by the horns and just take her to lunch and talk to her directly and ask her what she would like from you as her daughter-in-law. Negotiate the terms of a civil truce -- now you might not get all you want, but you can probably come to a meeting of minds. You love her son and she loves her son, so try to be of a generous heart with her.

Answer 4

My mom had to deal with this when she married my dad. Father's mother just loved his ex-wife (even though she's the one who was cheating on my dad) and thought my mom was scum. Basically, you just have to deal. You aren't ever going to be buddy-buddy with her, but if you want to try... You can maybe go shoppng together, etc, and just speak your mind. Tell her that you would appreciate it if she would stop treating you like pond scum, that she needs to realize that her son loves you, whether she wants him to or not. Either she'll start to see you as a person, or she won't, an if therefore not worth the time of day. Good luck!!

Answer 5

Ask her to go to lunch with you, just the two of you, and tell her your feelings. Tell her how much you love her son and you want to have a relationship with her. if she will not respond, talk to your husband, tell him you tried and tell him to set her strait on your relationship. A son has a lot of power over his mother if he has shown her that he is a strong and compassionate "man", and he can hopefully tell her to get with the program and let the two of you have a life together, and love you and treat you as the woman you are.

Answer 6

as long as ur hubby has your back, dont worry about the in laws. i have had probs with this before, and with my husband's support, i stopped letting it get to me. of course., it would be nice to get along like the movies, but sometimes it cant work out that way. all that matters is you & your hubby love each other reguardless of what anyone else thinks. you two are grown ups.

Answer 7

I am in S.CA, and I developed a 1100 squareft guesthouse 5 years in the past. I did all of the paintings myself, besides for external framing and roofing, electric and plumbing. My counter tops are laminate, and my roof is asphalt shingles, no longer cement tile (which require a heavier constitution to aid them, and that are extra high priced.) It price me approximately $ninety,000.00 Prices are higher now, with the sluggish economic system, however I dont consider you'll be able to do it for $70,000, in particular if you're going to rent the determine. Also, what you're describing are top finish finishes, no longer core of the avenue. Call round to regional contractors, and notice what they are saying. Dont omit approximately the price of allows for and institution expenses (the ones are big in my discipline.) Also, verify that you'll be able to legally placed a whole kitchen right into a guesthouse. In my discipline you are not able to.

Answer 8

It's very hard to get close to your mom in law. But Try to be nice, try to speak with her as much as you can, tell her that you love her son and everything is going great. Basicaly show her truth how trully you love your husband. That you are gonna be with him everytime when he needs you. She will like that. Just be with her like with your best friend. Look at her like she's your favorit person in the whole world...
Good luck!

Answer 9

girl go with your fellings and stop worring so much, if you two are realy in love and want every thing to work out then go with the flow , who cares if they dont like you , you should worry about your hubby, and not everyone else go on and have a wounderful life and stop WORRING, they will come around and all will be ok, and if not who cares you have your hubby so be happy so go with the flow good luck hon and dont WORRY!!!

Answer 10

My mother thought my old girlfriend was the best. She thought my wife was out to get my money....I was 21- had no money.... It took a while until my mother got to know her. It also helped that my sister told Mom what she caught me and the old girlfriend doin' on the couch one night. She was such a pig!