Help with In - Laws/Grandparents?!?

Question

My MIL lives about 2 miles from us, which is normally great. She's a sweetheart, and I love that our son gets to see her on a regular basis (at least a few times a week). However, some things are getting a bit out of hand - mainly, the way my son eats at her house, despite the guidelines Grandma knows we have. I speak up, but Hubby won't, and so I am made to be the "bad guy." The other night, my son wouldn't eat his dinner, so Grandma asked if he wanted cookies and ice cream instead. I said no, since he didn't eat dinner. Grandma got up and gave him the treats anyway. Later, she gave him candy without my permission. The next day (he slept over), it was donuts and chocolate milk for breakfast, cookies and Sprite (with aspartame) for a snack, candy and popcorn, a Happy Meal with chocolate milk and fries, followed by more Sprite and cookies. Hubby was there the whole time and shares my beliefs, but won't stand up to "Mommy." What's worse is on the rare times when my wishes are

respected, they're followed with a loud proclamation, "Sorry honey, but Mommy won't let you have it," AFTER the treat has been dangled in front of him. Like I said, I allow my son to have occasional treats, and it would be different if he didn't see his grandmother very often. But he sees her almost every day, and the healthy habits I have instilled in him since birth are starting to be erased. I've thought about packing a more reasonable meal for my son to have at her house, but I know my wishes won't be respected. And the soda is really concerning, especially the aspartame, sine I recently learned that the secret sodas are most likely the cause of my son's frequent tummy aches (which occur after going to Grandma's). I love my son and want him to be healthy, with the occasional treat her and there. But the everyday junk food and making me into the bad guy are really stressing me out. HELP!

Just to clarify, my son doesn't spend the night often. But he's there a few times a week, mostly with my husband (he's over there a few times a week to do things around the house for her). That's what makes it difficult, because my son is eating the junk right in front of Daddy, who doesn't agree with it but won't say anything. So when I do say something, I'm the "mean" one.

Answer 1

Sounds like my MIL and FIL...hmmm...and my hubby too.

:-)

So here's what I did...I know it's a little mean..but what else can we do in this situation.

When my son was about 2 years old, MIL called and asked him, "do you want to come to grandma's house today?" He said, "mommy can i go to grandma's house today?" I said, "awwww I sure wish you could, but grandma gives you all that junk food and doesn't listen to mommy. And you know, everyone must listen to what mommy says. So sorry honey, you can't go to grandma's house."

I made sure the phone was on "speakerphone" so my MIL could hear me. She immediately promised not to give him any junk food and then I said, "well, if grandma can follow my rules, and you can follow my rules, then you can go to grandma's house."

Now he's 3 years old, and he knows the rules. When they offer him junk food, he says, "mommy said no." And he doesn't even eat it.

Restrict their privilege and they will obey your rules.

Good luck.
mari

Answer 2

Be mean. You can do it. Your husband can get on board or can stop taking the little one to Grandma's. She can come over to your house to see him.

You can probably come to an agreement. Your MIL probably feels like you never allow him to have a treat, so she thinks that the treats she gives are the only ones your son has. If you start the visit by saying "Johnny can have one cookie after dinner if he eats his meat." That way, everyone understands the expectations. You can encourage your son to tattle when his grandmother is being naughty and trying to give him a tummy ache. You can even let him watch a DVD about healthy eating. I have a Sesame Street DVD called Happy Healthy Monsters and there is a lot of talk about good nutrition and exercise.

Let grandma make a big deal of "mom says no." Just let her have that. Roll your eyes, smile and say "you can't have a cookie before supper because your mom is mean! She doesn't want you to have a tummy ache, what a meanie!"

Understand that she loves your son. She just needs to find another way to show her love. That's not your problem, though. She'll figure that out on her own. You just have to keep that little guy healthy!

Answer 3

I'm with you ... my kids love going to my MIL's because they get ice cream with hot fudge for breakfast. Ack. Fortunately, in our case, we're only there a couple times a year, so no harm done. In your case, you really need to have a serious talk with your husband and explain that you're really concerned this is having a long-term impact on your son's eating habits that you've worked so hard on. Then he needs to sit down and tell MIL that your son just can't have those foods. If it's still a problem, have MIL to your house for meals instead and just stop doing the sleepovers, or limit the times your son eats there so that they are rare enough that a crazy diet won't matter because it's balanced by all the healthy food he eats the rest of the time. I wouldn't be above telling her that you're following pediatrician's orders on diet.....

Answer 4

I agree with the others, your husband has to realise that he needs to stand up to his mommy and back you up. It is very hard to get children to eat healthy nowadays with the convenience of fast food. I would sit you MIL down with your husband and explain to her that you will not tolerate her disregard with your rules. It's fine to have a treat now and then, but when you say no, she needs to respect your wishes. If she's doing it to spoil him and make her like her there are other ways of doing that. Give her an ultimatum if she doesn't respect your wishes than the visits are going to have to be at your own household and not at hers. I don't think it would be fair for your son to have his Grandma taken away from him though.

Answer 5

WOW! Well... I know the grandparents just LOVE to spoil them rotten, my parents do the same to my daughter. I stayed with them for about 6 months when my husband was in Afghanistan and my mom and dad did this same thing.

As far as letting him stay the night with Grandma, nothing is wrong with that, but I wouldnt let him stay on a regular basis, once or MAYBE twice a month. And those days, just think, she just wants to spoil her grandbaby... and if she wants to buy him happy meals and give him ice cream, let her. It wont hurt once or twice a month. But as far as your hubby not backing you... I would jump ALL over for him for that. My husband was afraid to stand up to his parents after we got married and I finally got it through his head, if he didnt say something to his mom that I WOULD and it would NOT be pretty (we didnt even have kids at the time LOL!) That scared him enough that he told his mom to back off because he knew I would cause a HUGE mess... and even after my daughter was born, my mother in law has did some things that I dont particularly care for and I told my husband and he handled the problem. But especially when it comes to MY kid, I would cause a big fuss... it may piss your husband off and his parents, but ya know what, you are that llittle boys mommy, not her. And if you want him to eat healthy that is YOUR call, not hers. She is overstepping her boundaries. The next time she says all sarcastic, SORRY! Mommy said NO! To your kid be like listen, I dont appriciate you doing that and making him think I am the bad guy... I am his mother and you need to respect my wishes OR you can just stay at your house. If you are quiet and timid she will never stop running you over and underminding you.

Good luck.

Answer 6

It took me a bit to convince my hubby's parents, that my rules applied when my children were at their house. I was the "bad guy" a lot before they got with it. Where this is causing health problems for you son you need to put your foot down. Talk to you hubby first, so he knows what you plan to say. At a time when you son is not around, you and your hubby need to ask them to stop all the junk because it is giving him stomach problems. Ask them to not give him anything so that you can narrow down the culprits. Just like you might is you suspected a food allergy. You must eliminate everything and then introduce one thing at time to see if he is bothered by it. This may be a bit of a fib, but they should have his health in mind when feeding him. If you can, you may have to refuse to let him go over there if they continue to give him secret sodas.

Answer 7

Here's a simple way to get your MIL to STOP feeding your child junk all the time.. Tell her that the doctor said, no more sugar/candy. Older people listen to doctors like they are GODS and it takes the pressure off of you to be the "bad mommy". Also, if it's too much of a problem don't allow your child to spend the night there anymore. Also, go for visits AFTER meal times so if she does give you child/children treats they've already eaten. Also, your husband needs to get a back bone and tell his parents/mother himself to NOT feed his children too much sugar/snacks.

Answer 8

I understand where you're coming from...I have a great husband who won't stand up to his mother either. Basically, I think it is pretty normal for most men, but someone has to stand up to her. I would try to sit her down (when you are calm and reasonable) and have a discussion with her about the situation. Let her know that it upsets you and tell her why it upsets you. I would tell her that your husband also feels this way, but doesn't want to cause a problem. Then tell her that she needs to follow the rules that you and your husband set for your child or she won't be able to spend as much one on one time with him. He is your son and you must stand up for what you believe in when it comes to his health. Good luck!

Answer 9

"Grandma" needs to be told in plain language that she is interfering in the upbringing of your child, and to either follow your rules or the visits will become few and far between. Tell your hubby too! Sounds like a spineless mommy's boy.

Answer 10

He sounds something like my husband (except we don't have kids) ... with his 8 year old niece. I would have a talk with your MIL directly. This is not somebody else's child ... this is YOUR child and you have every right to say something. She is feeding him entirely too many sweets in a day. Is something wrong with her??? She should know better than that. If she doesn't stop doing it, then my child would not return to her home until she could respect my wishes.