Who is wrong here, me or my parents?

Question

My parents and I have been fighting every week about very trivial things. I am 22 yrs old and in 4th yr Engineering in University. I don't go home until about 10pm every weekday due to schoolwork, and on Fridays and Saturdays I come home later from partying. On Sundays I am not home all day because I still go to school to work on group projects. And I am always with my bf most of those times. My parents (esp my mom) is complaining about how I am not at home all the time, and how I am not helping around the house. Wtf? I always wash the dishes when it's my turn, and on Saturday mornings/afternoon I stay at home to cook and help clean around the house. She also said that "You are in my house, so you will live by my rules." I totally snapped at that statement. She went so far as to say that "You are not setting a good example for your little brothers. You're not always home and you don't help around the house."

And I'm like "Really now? You should be thankful that at my age, I am not pregnant, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't have piercings, I don't have tattoos, I'm not a bum and that I am graduating from University with an Engineering degree. But since you think that way, I guess that's a really bad example that I'm showing my brothers!" We always fight like this, and there are times when we don't talk for a week because I just can't stand them and I don't want to start anything again.
I am planning on moving out in January for the Winter term, and I don't plan on telling them until the last minute because I know they won't let me go and will try their hardest to keep me around. But I want out, I can't take it anymore. This has been going on since my first year and it's at its worst right now.

Partying does not necessarily involve drinking. Yes, my friends drink, but I am mature enough to enjoy myself without having to drink alcohol.

And I am too poor to move out...I don't want any student loans after I graduate, but now I guess I'd rather have student loans than stay and put up with all this crap.

Answer 1

I think this problem is beyond "right" or "wrong", but more about how you disagree about your roles. To your parents it doesn't make much of a difference whether you are in high school or college - you are their daughter, like you have always been and always will be. I guess it is hard for them to adjust to the fact that other people and places are gradually becoming more and more important to you. But at the same time you feel a strong need to set your own schedule in your life now. I think it is a good idea for you to try living on your own now, but make sure it is a social place with like-minded people. A student house of some kind seems like a good idea. You will still have responsibilities, but it will probably feel different when you share them with others your same age. I think it would be best if you come clean with your parents about this as soon as possible. The important thing is to stay calm and focus on explaining to them the positive outcome this will have. And one thing is for sure: Neither you nor your parents are setting a good example for your brothers by arguing all the time! Reassure your parents that home will always be home to you, and that it will be easier for you to appreciate it from a (small) distance.

Answer 2

Why wait until January to move? Move now. And, yes, it IS her house so you have to follow her rules no matter how old you are. Why should she change or modify her schedule or way of life because you live there while going to school? You're past the age that they should be responsible for you. You come and go as you please obviously and even though you aren't pregnant, don't do drugs or alcohol, etc., it doesn't mean you get special privileges for doing what millions of others do without expecting special treatment. It shows you were brought up with good morals and paid attention. I think it's more your attitude than your actions that she sees as being a problem with the example for your younger brothers.

It's hard to go to college and have to get a job to pay your own rent, utilities and groceries, let alone for a car and the expenses of that. I think your parents are helping you a lot and you should show a little more appreciation instead of pointing out the bad things you aren't doing. Try this, make an honest list of what you do there around the house. Do you do your own laundry? Do you provide your own detergent and such? Do you pay any kind of rent? Do you provide any of your own food or do you eat out all the time? Be realistic about what you are being provided. If you still think your parents are unfair then maybe you could move in with your boyfriend. I can say this with certainty from the limited information you have given is that you are in for a big wake up call when you do move out and be a responsible person in society paying your own way. Good luck and congrats on going to college. Good move.

Answer 3

Okay, so my first question is that you said in your additional info that you don't drink, but you said earlier that you come home late on Fridays and Saturdays from partying. Usually that means drinking where I'm from, so you have to clear that up for me.

Anyway, though it always sucks to live with your parents rules when you're an adult, what you have to remember is that you're living there 100% rent free. It big time stinks to think of it that way, but it's the truth. Obviously school keeps you very busy, but maybe you should try spending even a little more time at home with your family just to show that you appreciate them letting you live there at such a stressful time in your life. It's wonderful that you're working on a degree in such a difficult field, but it looks like your parents want to see you caring about family.

Don't say that you can't stand them, because you know what, even when things go wrong your family will be there for you, even though if sometimes you don't see it. Instead of doing the dishes on "your night," try doing some extra things that you're not asked to do around the house. Show them how much you appreciate them.

And, if it is your plan to move out during winter term, you should tell them. They may not want you to go, of course not, they're your parents, but you are an adult and it's your decision. Waiting until right before you leave just sounds spiteful and it could hurt your relationship with your parents even more. Be kind to them, if anything their anger is more a reflection of them hating the fact that you're growing up and that you don't need them for everything anymore.

Answer 4

Well it does seem like your parents may not really understand college life. Engineering is a very hard major and requires a lot of studying, try to let them know what kind of subjects that you are up against and that you are growing up. The amount of responsibilities in the house has to change because of the amount of responsibilities that are required for you to do well in school. I wouldn't leave home for the last semester, b/c that could be a great distraction and may cause undo stress and may hinder you doing well enough to graduate on time. Just try to sit down and talk to them and explain what kind of stress that you are under with your studies, show them the textbooks, show them the syllabuses, and what is expected of you by your professors. Start the conversation off by pointing out something that you both have in common, the fact that you both want to see you graduate with your degree, that is common ground and that should not be a point of contention at all. Just hang in there and don't move out your last semester, graduate then move out.

Answer 5

I'd try to work it out.Are you finiacilly able to pay for an apartment? I know it's hard,but they shouldn't be grateful because you are not pregnant on drugs,etc. You should be grateful to them.They raised you to know better.It's your life that is mainly effected if you were doing wrong.And then of course ,they would be also.
I'm sure they are proud of you! You sound like you have a busy schedule.But, I know you don't party every weekend,do you.Maybe,they just miss you being around without doing chores.Arguing with you,may be their way of saying it!
What they want you to show the younger ones is your socializing with the family.Not hey we raised you and once you're gone ,you're gone.Parents won't have any quality time to see you!That's not the message the youngers need.
I hope everything works out!
Congrads on your 4th year,lady!

Answer 6

First...a big Congrat on your Eduacation. And not doing all the things that you said above. I really believe that your parents are not trying to control ur life. I think that they would like to be Involved every now & then, not to much to ask. No one is wrong in this situation. Just appreciate what you have with them, and not just free room & board. Include them in some of your plans, Make at least one day out of the week to just be with them, and only them. I'm sure this will help you out & them. I do believe that you should share your upcoming decsion to Move out. To tell them at the last minute shows no sign of respect towards them. Also, spend time with your brothers, life is too short and unsure. Live with no regrets!! GoodLuck & God Bless..

Answer 7

Moving out may be the best decision you've made yet. She may be angry when you do it, but not living together can really help family situations. Both of you may suddenly be happy to see each other at every visit.

Since when is being at home every afternoon a requirement for sleeping under their roof? It doesn't seem fair. Maybe there's a way you could do some of your schoolwork at home... then again, she probably wants you home to hang out or work, not so schoolwork. I don't know about that.

Answer 8

I think your mother is clearly in the wrong . . . but she has ONE point. You are in her house, and should live by her rules. But I think you are right to point all that you are doing right - don't get mad at her - I think underlying all of this is the fact that you have grown up and she is losing you to your own life. That was the hardest thing for me as a parent to realize.

I don't think that you are doing anything wrong, and I don't think you need to change a thing except, perhaps, try to have a little more compassion for her. She may just want some of your time. She perhaps doesn't even realize it but - I think that's what it is. Maybe you could schedule a little "mother daughter time?"

I know you are busy and I know you are truly working hard to achieve your goals and I salute you for that. Just remember to be kind to your mom. . . parenting is hard work and it is sometimes difficult to articulate what is really going on . . .

Answer 9

I think you are right, i think you are setting a fine example for your bro's. Your parents need to understand that you are grown up now and need to let go and let you live you own life. But you should also not completely kick them out of your life either. I think they are just having a hard time dealing with the fact that you got your own life. I think it's best to move out, they won't like the idea but prove them wrong when they say you can't do it.My parents went through the same thing. I had to just up and move out for them to realize how much i helped around the house and stuff.
Well good luck

Answer 10

Try to move away from the perception of who's right or wrong. let your parents know what you're doing and why you have to stay out late, try giving them a call daily and let them know where you are even if it is understood.
If you find it had to talk to them for the time being, try dropping them a letter and tell them how you feels and seek their understanding and approval. Remember someone have to give way first, why don't you try giving your way to them and continue doing it.

You deserve a pat on the back for not into all those bad habits, keep it up.