Should I be able to invite my brothers to my sons wedding?

Question

Although contributing to my sons wedding am informed my brothers are not invited, they don't know them well........
I feel hurt, should I kick up a fuss and risk alienating my son and his new bride to be?

Guests include brides extended family & friends, my husbands family but not my brothers, no rift, son & gfriend say limited nos and don't know them well.
There are diverse answers so far I guess its going to be matter of opinion

If it was the same for both sides no extended family I could understand & wouldn't feel so hurt. I'm really not an interfering person.

I will be contributing greatly to the wedding & don't want that used against them or me for that fact.

A little more background
My brothers were not invited to engagement party (which I contributed to financially). I had no choice of input. I felt uncomfortable but did my best to take part by taking photographs of all the guests. Her mum was presented with a bunch of flowers, I found that really embarassing and upsetting. I didn't want a bunch of flowers but did want to help.

Answer 1

I agree, it is your son's wedding, and so, his decision.

maybe you can ask him why he is not inviting them, maybe he just doesn't have the money to pay for more people.(weddings are so expensive these days) If that is the case maybe you can offer to pay for them yourself and he won't have to worry about it.
It's possible that he is just not close enough to them, I know that I have relatives that i really don't want to invite.

It is his day... not yours don't be selfish. You shouldn't pay just so you can have control, because that would cause major problems. You should be paying because you love him and want to help him.

Answer 2

I only got married in june and allowed both sets of parents to invite a maximum of two couples each that me & my husband did not have on the guest list. The rule we had for our guest list was 'if we haven't seen you in the last six months then you aren't invited' , the way we seen it the most important people who mattered to us would be family we stayed in regular contact with, I didn't have some of my mum's sisters there as I hadn't seen them in years. It is mostly about the bride and groom at the end of the day, and the bride does see the over running of everything so it's most likely she will have the final say on who goes on the guest list. And even though my parents paid for the majority of our wedding, and we were grateful for it but we pointed out that if we invited all the guests they had wanted then it would mean that cost would have to be deducted from something else and I wasn't willing to do that.........the whole thing is about the couple making a pledge to one another and only the people that they want there should be there.........hope this helps and helps you see the point of view from a recent bride.....

Answer 3

Not being funny but it does tick me off when just because parents contribute to the wedding they feel they should decide who comes to the wedding! My friend had the same issue with her mother and trust me when I say " leave it alone" It is their wedding and they have to draw the line somewhere as to who comes and who doesn't. It is nothing personal but if they don't know your Brothers then why oh why should they have to pay for them to be at her wedding. It's their wedding not yours.
Kick up a fuss and you risk a fall out with your son not to mention added stress! You contributing to the wedding does not give you the right to decide who attends the wedding. And saying you are hurt is ridiculous!
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Weddings are expensive! It's fantastic that you are contributing but i think you have taken this thing about your brothers far too personally. They have had to draw a line and have done so. My sisters wedding was 85 pounds per head for the daytime meal and another 15 pounds per head for the evening buffet. What I'm trying to say is multiply those prices by 4 and see how much that costs to invite 4 people they hardly know. Also you mention that it isn;t the same both sides and that extended family have been invited from others...deal with it! They may know those relatives.
Surely you can just leave this to rest?
I am sure you don;t want your future daughter-in-law to think you are the Mother-in-law from hell that interferes?

Answer 4

Unfortunately for you, the wedding is about your son and his future wife, not you. I know it stinks, because you are helping them out. However, this is an event that will be remembered forever, for them. Do you want to be remembered as the person who made a fuss? The wedding has nothing to do with your relationship to your brothers, it will carry on, invitation or not. But it could affect your relationship with your son and future daughter in law... Probably better to start out on the right foot. Mother and daughter in law relationships can be pretty rough and complex.
Lastly, like they say, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Just tell your son it is important to you, but that you understand and accept whatever they decide. Make sure you say it in a loving and understanding tone. After that, let go of your expectations around this and try to enjoy the preparations and this wonderful time in your son's life. Enjoy the people who ARE at the wedding, and meet your brothers later with pictures and tell them all about it. Love is always the best answer, in every situation. Good luck!

Answer 5

Its your son and daughter-in-law's day and maybe they do not want to have too big a wedding and of course there is the expense. Of course you feel hurt and I am sure your brothers and their spouses would love to attend the wedding but sometimes not everything is possible. When my stepdaughter married we agonized over the guest list because she of course wanted the people who were regularly in her and her future husbands life, who would be there for her in the future and not the older relations. In the end the type of wedding we had would not have suited some of the older aunties and uncles as they would have found it difficult to cope with the noise. If you want to have a celebration of your own with your brothers separately to celebrate the forthcoming marriage or after to show some photos then that might be a compromise for you. I think you already know what you have to do because the relationship of family is precious and it is best not to alienate them. Enjoy what is to come don't look for problems to spoil the day.

Answer 6

Regardless of whether you are contributing financially or not, this is not your choice. I upset some of my husband's family when I got married because I didn't invite any children. My husband's brother was so put out about it that he didn't come - that was his choice and fine by us. I just didn't want kids at my wedding, that was my choice (and my husband's) and even if my brother in law had paid for some of the wedding (which he didn't!) then I would have still insisted on no kids.

Answer 7

I would talk to your son and say that family is very important to you and you were hoping to include your brothers. Listen to the response, they probably have a good reason for not inviting them. Perhaps they are trying to keep costs down? Perhaps it is a small event they want to share with the people closest to them and if your brothers aren't close with your son it would make sense that they wouldn't feel it is important to invite them. If they don't have a reason, then reiterate that it would mean a lot to you to be able to include your brothers, but don't push it too much because when it comes down to it the wedding is not yours.

Answer 8

If the Bride's side were paying then just maybe you should have to heed their wishes. If you are contributing then they should let you invite your bros. Is that not family? You are not asking them to invite your Bingo or bridge gang right? Is her side invited? Uncles, Aunts etc? If not you may have to do the same.

Withdraw your contribution without raising a fuss. It's very thoughtless of your son to disregard your side of the family. How dare he dump your feelings in favor of his new self centered bride?! If it is a money problem then pay for your brothers. If they still refuse then it is simple disregard. Don't fuss just withdraw contribution! They should feel that

Answer 9

Ultimately the degree to which you pursue this and possibly damage relations with your son and his fiancee is governed by how hurt you feel at your brothers exclusion.
If after consideration you find you do not wish to risk damaging the relationship with your son and future bride, perhaps suggest that the uncles may wish to make a financial contribution to the wedding costs, which may ease your sons concern as I presume it is financial in origin.

Answer 10

Besides being your brothers, these men are also the Groom's uncles- there's no reason on earth they should be excluded unless the guest list is excluding the bride's extended family as well.

Answer 11

i would talk to your son about your brothers not being invited and why...i know your son may not know them well but it would be a good chance to start a relationship...if it is a cost concern offer to add a few more dollars to cover their plates and explain to your son that others in the family may also want to see your brothers...if he has other reasons not to invite them that you are unaware of then let it go