How do you deal with having your ex-mother-n-law badmouth you to your child?

Question

My ex and his mother have hated me since I divorced him. Through all the court hearings over visitation and child support, I have had to listen to my ex call me a bad mother, money hungry, and tell people that I'm not concerned with my sons welfare. I have had to listen to him complain about paying child support(Even though it has only been $200 a month for 9 yrs.), complain about buying our son clothes(He claims I don't buy my son clothes, though my son has a closet and dresser that says otherwise), and tell people I spend the child support on myself. His mother is probably the worst about saying all these things to my son. My son constantly comes home and tells me things his grandma said about me, and some have been flat out lies. Just this weekend she told my son that his shoes looked trashy and "ITS NOT LIKE YOUR DAD DOESN'T PAY YOUR MOM ENOUGH CHILD SUPPORT.) ( I just got the child support increased and got the first new payment 5 days ago).She even told him that I had gotten....

5 payments already, which is a lie, I have only gotten 1 payment based on this new amount, and I did go out first thing and buy my son winter clothes with it. My ex father-in-law was joking with my son about getting a car for him when he turns 16 (He's 11) and said "I'll pay for the car, your grandma can pay for the insurance and you pay for the gas. DEAL?!" My ex-mother-n-law AGAIN made a comment about the huge amount of child support my ex has to pay and how "YOUR MOTHER" can pay for a car since she is getting so much child support. I want to say something to her or to my ex, but my son is begging me not to. The last time I did, my ex mother-n-law confronted my son and chewed him out, calling him a lier and saying he was being mean to his dad, telling me all those lies.

I want to say something to them about all the trash and lies they are telling my son, but my son is saying it will make it harder on him and doesn't want me to.

What do I do?

Frank Pytel: Did you even read anything I wrote? Where did I say I had "so many people" telling me these things???? NO, I SAID MY EX AND HIS MOTHER. That would make 2 people, not so many people. So NO, it isn't true. My ex see's my son about 4-5 times a year, and hardly ever calls him. His mother is the one who ususally exercises those 4-5 visitations. My ex shows up part of the way through them to act like a father for a little while. He didn't even see my son at all this past visitation and only for a few hours the one before that.

What was the point of all your child custody and visiation links for? Those do me no good at all. I have custody and my ex has visitation. Please don't offer anymore advice to me, because your advice makes no sense at all.

Answer 1

I would take a copy of the first payment and in front of your son say to her... look I have my first paymen t since the increase.That way you are not involving your son as the one that said something about it and he can stay there and not be blamed.This will show your son that she was lying too because she sure won;t say that is your fifth 1 to your face if she is in fact lying.I would also tell your son that his Grandma lies about you because she is mad that you and her son are no longer together.That will help him realize that Grandma is dealing with hurt and chose the wrong way to deal with it.Let him know that you understand he loves her and it will also teach him how hurt can make even someone you love do stupid things when they just can't face the truth.Too bad you can't just keep him from her but she is his Gtandma and to stop him could make him turn on you later.This way he knows not to believe all she says and he will be more apt to talk to you about more things if you talk to him about these kinds of things.She is trying to turn him against you but by you being the good person and after all the lies continue to let him see her,he will soon realize just how hard that is for you to do and will surely always love and respect that you never once tried to bad mouth her and turn him against her.Just ride this out... but always ask questions and explain why Grandma says what she does.If he asked you not to say anything to her then don't.He will always trust you and will feel safe telling you everything.And when you listen and talk about it to him he will see that telling her anything will make things worse for you and before you know it you and your son are gonna be sooo close no one will will ever be able to break that bond..Let her think she is turning him on you and by you being the bigger person and just talking to him..she will actually be pushing him closer to you.Its a shame people have to be like that but thats life..So do alot of talking and explaining ..he will soon see things for himself..Good luck

Answer 2

Do something, even if it's wrong. Your son is growing up with a distorted way of thinking and it could warp his attitude about you and everyone else. He is old enough to understand. Sit him down and show him on paper what you take in each month in money and show him how it is spent. Show him that his father's small contribution is not a great part of your budget. And money spent on rent, food and utilities is a part of the expense to support him (your son) as well as yourself. The money spent on clothes, and toys is not his only expense.

Discuss with him that your ex's-in-laws are bitter about the split up and it is somewhat natural for there to be hard feelings. Get some feed back from your son and see how he feels.

Ask him if he still wants to visit him grandparents and if so could he please make an effort to ignore their comments or to say something to them.....like....." I don't appreciate your talking about my Mom that way. It's very hurtful" And you make the effort not to make comments about them.

Talk with the ex's and tell them that you are aware of the comments and if they continue that your son will not be visiting them and if they mention this conversation with your son they will not see him again. Be sure you can back up the threat. Explain that they are confusing him and destroying his love for them by their statements.

When I divorced even though it was hard I did not make comments to son about his dad. And soon his dad's nature revealed. Fortunately for me, his dad was so self centered that he never had an thing to do with our lives. And my ex's were wonderful and usually would side with me if there was a problem. My ex Mother-in-law once called her son a "self made son of a *****". I loved that woman.

Answer 3

I have a mil from hell as well. she has said so many things about me to my kids and husband its unreal i can't imagine how she would be if we got divorced. We haven't talked to her in a year now because my hubby finally got sick of it, its been such a nice year :)

anyways, If your Ex is the one with the visitation NOT your Ex mil then your Ex is the one that should show up to pick him up. If he can't be bothered to show up and pick up his son then he doesn't get to see him. Your Ex mil has NO rights at all in the matter fortunatly there are no paternal grandparent rights, (at least not here). If she can't respect you especially to YOUR son then i woudl be putting my foot down. This is a form of abuse to your son, talk to your lawyer and see if there is anything you can do about it. thats messed up and you should defenatly do somthing about it!!
as far as your son and you go, he will see the truth don't you worry about that, all the kids do. my daughter is only 4 and realized that "daddys mom" (she won't call her mammaw anymore) is the real B itch not me. and i have never spoken a bad word of her in front of my daughter.
just keep doing what your doing. and fight hard to get your son away from that emotional abuse!
good luck

Answer 4

Normally, I would say for you to continue to take the high road and say nothing. I think this has gone on long enough though. I think you should write a extremely respectful letter to your mother-in-law and thank her for everything that she has done. Explain how it is hard on kids to be from divorced families and your son is so blessed to have both of his parents families in his life. How you appreciate the time that she spends with him and it has been so wonderful for him and you love him being somewhere where you know that he is safe and loved. Name a few specific instances where they have stepped up. Just end the letter by saying that you are very grateful for them and maybe invite them to your home for lunch or coffee sometime.....When I started this answer out I was going to suggest that you be nice but tell them how it is. I truly think with these kind of people though (who feed on badmouthing you) that you will catch more flies with honey.

Answer 5

If your child only goes to grandma's and is spending the visit with grandma she has to fight for that right. You can refuse to let your child see the grandmother. Then she'll have to fill out motions and have the court ALLOW her grandparental time with your child. I'm assuming the father has been granted visitation but that does apply to grandparents also.

I would recommend doing that because those lies are not healthy for your child to hear and to learn to be that way.

Answer 6

You need to tell your ex-m-i-l that she thinks she is getting to you by saying those things, but that she needs to realize that your son loves you very much and to hear bad things about his mother hurts HIM not you because you let it go in one ear and out the other (even if it does bother you) but your son absorbs it. Tell her that one day he will be grown and will know how much you have done for him and will resent her because of all the things she has said. Tell her that what will happen because of that is he will distance himself from HER and NOT YOU and she will lose him and you and your son will be that much closer. In essence, what she is trying to do will totally backfire! (after that phrase you can silently add in your head "so there, b*tch! LOL)

Answer 7

What your ex and his evil mum are doing is emotional child abuse in my opinion. I can only imagine how upsetting this must be for your son hearing all of that bad-mouthing. He shouldn't have to go through that at every visit. I would go to the court and have his visitation rights revoked until he learns to keep his mouth shut. As for mum-in-law...well she wouldn't get near my son.

Answer 8

Well, just tell her to stop bad mouthing you and just because you divorced the guy doesn't mean she go out telling lies about you! She really needs to stop yelling & lieing to your son. Also, if she really loved her grandson & your son she would NOT do that! That also goes the same for your ex.

Answer 9

With a family like this, it will make it hard on him.Does the dad live with his parents? If he does not, you could consider going to court to keep the gma and gpa away from him.
But to be real, how you handle the bits of news is what will effect the boy. Do you get mad and have a tissy? Do you talk to him about this? Someone has to be the adult here.

Answer 10

This is your answer, right here:
"I want to say something to them about all the trash and lies they are telling my son, but my son is saying it will make it harder on him and doesn't want me to."

Why do you feel the need to talk to them about this? For your own benefit, your own feelings of 'being wronged'.

Your son knows what's true. He also knows that, despite their anger at you, their lies, he loves his father & that part of his family, too.

Instead of stirring things up, simply empathize with your son, try to understand his position & try to help him to understand why they are so defensive & angry - remind them of their fallible, fragile humanity - and, help him to be strong enough to get through listening to these angry lies about someone he loves, coming from other people that he loves.

Their words can't hurt you. You know they are not true. Your son knows they are not true, too. If he brings them to you & asks if they are true, simply reply honestly & express empathy that the person who said it is confused about what's real & true.

There is no need for confrontation. It might make you feel vindicated, but it would, truly, only make your child's life harder.