I asked this yesterday but have not had many answers yet. Dad run off with girl my age. how do you deal with?

Question

Here is a link to the question I asked before. Basically my dad has had a midlife crisis I guess and run off with a girl the same age as me 26 and they have a baby now.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AkMXV9nrTW6HhM1MSMUyISXsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071104082910AABYOKq

My dad was always someone I looked up to. I thought he was the ideal rags to riches story and that he had a great character a deacon in church. I always wanted to be like him. A couple of years ago that image was shattered when my mum sat me down and told me he had been having an affair with someones secretary. He is quite a well known figure politically and she was trying to blackmail him apparently which is why I was told, to save me from finding out on the news. Soon after it emerged that all through my life he had been unfaithful to my mother having many affairs. I feel so sad that maybe she thought she would stay for our sake.

The cherry on the cake is that he recently had a wedding ceremony (but not a legal marriage) with a girl the same age as me. (27 - I am 26) and they have recently had a baby. I have not spoken to him the whole of this year.

One of the worst things is that a couple of years ago when I got pregnant without being married he made me feel so bad.

20 hours ago

I feel like the Dad I grew up with and respected is now dead. My mum is still around but is living overseas because of the stress of this.

Answer 1

There is no answer for this

It is hard to deal with understandably so and only time can help, you have another brother or sister now so no matter what your father has done be happy of that at least

It won't be easy for you to forgive him if you ever do but as long as you can be man enough to be in the same company as him that is a start and take it from there

I hope things will work themselves out as best they can, good luck and try not to hate, if you hate the only person you will hurt is yourself

Good luck xx

Answer 2

You probably didn't get many answers because most of us are at a loss for an answer. It sounds as though you grew up with a lie and I really feel sad for you; if you hadn't put your Dad on a pedestal, then you probably wouldn't be feeling so much anguish now, but we girls do like to look up to our Dads. Many powerful men seem to indulge themselves with mistresses, as lots of women find power very attractive and men are usually very weak. Their wives either leave them or, more usually and for good reasons of their own, stay and accept it. Whatever he's done and no matter how let-down you feel, however, he is still your Dad. I would stay in touch with him, but certainly wouldn't visit his new home as this would signal some sort of approval, not only for what he's done now, but for all his past affairs. He has a lot of bridges to mend before you'll ever reach that state of play. Instead, I would try to arrange to meet him occasionally, and alone, just to have some father and daughter time together, and your Mum should know what you're doing and why. You mentioned that your Dad was pretty hard on you when he discovered you'd become pregnant; how hypocritical some men are - a case of 'do as I say, not as I do'! He obviously had you on a pedestal too, so he must realise how you feel now. Good luck to you and your Mum; try and move on and make the very most of your life. Your Dad's new life may not turn out to be as idyllic as he imagined; I'm told that fatherhood at a later age can be very trying - everything has its season, and all that!

Answer 3

You are a grown woman, so you don't need your father in the way you did when you were a child. What you have learned is a valuable lesson. First of all, liars and cheats are always liars and cheats and they never change. They care only about themselves. Period. Get some counseling to learn to cope. All men are NOT like this, so make sure you don't marry one just like daddy. Alot of women do.

Secondly you learned that appearances aren't what they seem. You cannot base a human being on what they appear to be. Anyone can be a deacon. Anyone can gain respect in society or politics. Anyone can appear responsible to their family and a moral person. But the truth is, your dad isn't having a midlife crisis. He's a liar and a cheat and he just got tired of hiding it. Self respect and good character comes from within, its not worn on the outside for appearances sake.

You can choose to have a relationship with your father under his new circumstances, or you can learn this lesson of life and continue to hold him at arms length. He may wake up and smell the coffee, but more likely he will simply want you to forgive him when he's dying.

Luckily you can seek help to learn to understand that this is not about you, its nothing personal and you can be a good person of honor and good character despite the low life that fathered you.

Answer 4

I know this is really hard but you cannot cut off your Dad forever.That child they had is your half sister and it really shouldnt matter what age the other woman is.Life and love have no age.My father is twenty years old than my mom and like with you i have sibling only a few years younger than my mom .5 yrs . That baby is innocent and a blood relative you need to let bygones go so you can have a relationship with it.If something ever happens to them you might have to care for it. So go see that baby.You have to stop putting age on things.Sometimes I meet a young person Im 35 and maybe they are 18 or 19 and I think its a pity they are so nice just born to late.People fall in love with personalitys not numbers.Its normal.Im sorry about your mom it sounds like he has really hurt you both but parents are human too and in the end we all pay for our sins with God.Best wishes

Answer 5

It is not something that is easy to deal with. This happens to a lot of men when they reach a certain age but that does not excuse your father for treating your mother so badly - give her all the supportyou can even though she is abroad. It is a shame that he has shattered your image of him as a reliable, respectable person. Remember though that he will have his side of the story as well - you should perhaps listen to what he has to say before you dismiss him from your life entirely - in time you may be able to forgive him - it would sad if you were not able to speak with him ever again.

Answer 6

Sounds familiar. My exbf has a father who did the same thing. Yeah, they have a baby now. But this dad is so irresponsible. My ex told me that he wouldn't consider that sibling a brother/sister to him. But I am not telling you to do the same, okay? Time heals all wounds. Your dad maybe having his midlife crises and that is not an excuse for his behavior. It takes two to tango and they are not kids anymore. So don't worry. Enjoy your own life .

Answer 7

There is a baby in the picture now. Shes not going anywhere. You deal with this by trying to deal with it. I know, it seriously, must bother you a lot. But, try to see her as a person and not as an age. I hope you feel better. Since you recognize you are upset, you can work to correct it. You didnt say if the girl your age is nice, if she likes you, etc.

Answer 8

The think is you are not responsible for your parents, they hve thier own lives, they will make thier own mistakes have thier own problems, yep your dad has been playing around, but that is his problem, what he does in his personal life is up to him. As long as he is still being YOUR DAD, thats the bit you have of him, and he is not your dad 24/7. I know thats harsh but think about it the other way, if your dad still wanted to put you in pig tails, made you wear school uniform, stopped you from seeing certain boys. We all have our lives and yes have responsibilites to our children but we are still just people. remind him he is your dad, but let him make his own mistakes.

Answer 9

It's obviously upsetting you, but you should be there for your mum. Your dad is a grown man & can make his own choices but if your mum has been abandoned , she should be your top priority now. Tell him you dissagree with what he's done, but you still love him, but right now, you don't want to be around him.

Answer 10

I am so sorry to hear about this difficult situation. Since your father is an adult and had been unfaithful to your mother for a long time during their marriage, considering she has told you he had multiple affairs; the mid-life crisis has caused him to decide to change his life and live a different one.

This is something that has always gone on in society, it has become more evident and more well publicized in these more modern and "blab your personal business to the world" times; but it has really always been there.

I have children in your age range, and when I was growing up many people that I went to school with talked about their parents belonging to "key clubs," and these clubs had nothing to do with any community service hours. It was basically a fancy cover-up for wife swapping parties. I did not really figure this out until I was in college for my first degree.

My parents and my husbands parents were together for decades, until parted by death as their vows stated, and I am hoping that we can do the same. This does not happen in a majority of marriages any longer, many people really want to live the swinging single life and continue to do so after they are married, because they are unhappy with the relationship of their marriage.

Does your father want to have a relationship with you? Have you decided to break off of a relationship with him because you are being loving and protective of your mother? This is what you have to think about.

You only have one mother and one father, and they are only human and may make choices that you feel are irrational or hurtful to you and your view of them, you just have to work out if you want to retain a relationship with your Dad or not.

Your mother is going to have to get herself to an emotional space where she feels comfortable realizing that she is better off out of a phony marriage with a man who was "playing" being the good husband, the good provider, the pillar of the community, the deacon in the church and on and on. Your Dad may well have been participating in a lot of those activities to try and prove to himself that he was a "good" person, knowing full well that he was an adulterer.

Even though being pregnant without being married is not widely "socially" acceptable, the fact that your Dad made you feel so bad about it only proves that he was defending his guilt about having the affairs. This type of thing has happened since the beginning of time also, it may not be the best choice, but there are worse things in the world. I hope that things worked out well for you in that regard.

Your mother made the choice to stay with him because of your family, and I am sure that she feels guilty about that choice to this day. You need to communicate with her as much as is possible. You have not said if your parents are divorcing or not, but it is inevitable considering he is having a non legal marriage ceremony with the mother of his child.

I would hope that your mother is getting some counseling to deal with her emotional distress, and you should be doing the same. You should also be encouraging your Mom to be hiring a lawyer in order to protect her interests based on the number of years your parents have been married and her contributions to the family and the home during that time.

I hate to have to say this but if the new love of your Dad's life was threatening blackmail and he is afraid of his public image being destroyed, she may well be looking at your Dad as a big bank account for her and her child; this is why your Mom needs to get legal advice as soon as possible. There are a lot of goldiggers out there, and this woman may well have been in this relationship with your Dad for that reason right from the start.

Please know that you are not alone in this, it is a struggle that over half of all marriages go through at one time or another, and everyone gets dragged into the mess, even adult children.

The Dad that you looked up to is the one that you should remember, even though it is difficult right now. You do not want to become embittered and distrustful of all men because of your Dad's poor choices.

Get some support for yourself and be supportive of your Mom and you are just going to have to wait out the situation with your Dad. Let him be the one to keep a relationship going with you, and then just go from there. You did mention that your Dad, and your family were involved in a church and many churches offer family counseling and support for these types of situations. You could check those possibilities out for yourself and you Mom.

I wish you and your family the best during this difficult time.