Mother's abuse?

Question

PLEASE ANSWER! I know it's long, but I really need your feedback!

Can't get over mother's abuse?
Ever since I was little, I was yelled at, screamed at, hit, beat, punched...when I was in my mid-teens my parents divorced. I tried to call my dad long-distance..it showed up on our phone bill (.38 cents) and she strangled and choked me on our stairs for "making her look dumb". I was ignored, neglected, abused, kicked out, made fun of and demeaned until I hit my adult years. I had a child and left her home.

She saw what a good mom i was and told me how proud she was ... admitted she was never meant to be a mom and that she had 'many issues'. I always felt sorry for her and tried to gain her trust. Long story short, she moved out of state and I went to visit her 2 years ago for Thanksgiving (hoping we could patch up the past and start anew).

Sadly her old behavior never changed..she cussed me out because my newborn daughter soiled a diaper and caused odor in her home. I put away some dishes that I thought were clean, but one had a noodle stuck to the bowl. So she began cussing and screaming, belittling me...all like when I was a child. My 2 children saw this and began crying. I was bawling, asking if we could please talk, she told me to **** off and die.

So I called a cab, got me and kids a hotel and left 2 weeks later. She didnt come to see me off at the airport. She wrote a year ago, saying that I should "get over it" and basically that I was making a big deal out of nothing.

So it's been a few years and we haven't spoken. I miss having a mom. I just miss having someone to talk to. sometimes I say the Christian thing to do is forgive and forget, but then another part says she'll never change and that I should just stay away.

My brother says she really wants to talk to me (she has called a few times when dr

(she has called a few times when drunk and left messages saying she loves me).....so do I just say "hey, she's mentally ill" and be the bigger person? Do I say screw it and never talk to her again? I'm so depressed and sad over this. Thanks.

Answer 1

.. i am very sorry this has happened to you ... while we can't pick our parents, we have to make the best of the situations we are placed in ... it sounds like all the abuse has made you a very strong person, and you are determined to make a better life for yourself and your children .... kudos to you !!!
... i think if you look back at your life, and try to understand your mother's background, it might become clear as to why she is like she is .... she needs help, but she needs to want to get it ...
... if i were placed in the same situation, i would not ignore her because she is my mother, but i would distance myself from her ... if i had younger children who could not deal with this or were too young to understand that grandma was mentally ill, i would not let her near them .. i would show my children pictures of their grandmother and talk to them and try to point out good things about her ... i would also write my mother a letter telling her that i would like her to know her grandchildren, but that her abusive behavior will not be tolerated, and if she starts to raise her voice, or anything you will gather the children and leave ... perhaps you can meet sometime on neutral territory like a restaurant, and the children can visit with her ...you could also have the children write to her and draw her pictures on a regular basis to establish a long distance relationship ... i think she does love you in her own way, but it is a difficult position for you to be in ... if you truly feel you cannot cope with the childhood feelings, try to seek counseling, or talk to a church pastor ... talking it out does help .. but it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and know that your mother is sick ...

it is nice to have an older person in your life, and in your area you could help out in a senior home, or volunteer for a senior center ... i used to drive meals on wheels, and for a center to take elderly people shopping.... i took my children when they were younger and the older people just loved it ... we visited them for christmas and holidays and it made us all happy .. i was far away from my own parents, and some of these people just made wonderful "substitute" parents and grandparents .... we all benefited from the get togethers ...
.... i wish you much luck in your life and am proud also at what you have accomplished given your rocky start ...

Answer 2

Do you know anything about her childhood? Many times, parents raise their children the way they were raised, including abusing them. This goes on for generations until one person ... this would be you ... decides to break the cycle. A really good author on the subject of dysfunctional families is John Bradshaw. Two of his books, "John Bradshaw: On The Family" and "Family Secrets", are real eye-openers and will validate your feelings, which would probably make you feel better. Another good book is "Toxic Parents" (I don't know the name of the author), and, in fact, there are some online support groups for people with toxic parents. Knowing that you're not alone helps.

There is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. Although you can forgive, you will never forget, and that's not wrong. But in order to forgive, you need to work out your emotions. Are you seeing a counselor on your childhood issues with your mother? A counselor can also help you set, and keep, boundaries.

You mentioned something along the line that you would like to have a mother in your life. Do you have a good, older friend who is emotionally supportive of you who can be something like a surrogate mother?

You are now a mother yourself, as well as an adult. It is very important that you set boundaries, which a boundary is not allowing your mother to emotionally abuse you as an adult, so don't allow anyone else in your family to talk you into dropping your boundaries. You set an example for your children. If you don't want them to be abused ... by a boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, etc. ... you need to set healthy boundaries to give them an example. You're not wrong. You're not a bad person. You're protecting yourself and your children.

Answer 3

I think that you would benefit of the book "Boundaries". That is actually a series of books from different subjects.

You need to protect yourself and your own family. Pray about it. If you see her and talk to her, do not go to spend too long time with her.

I am really sorry this happened to you. Some relationships just do not work. You can try talking to her, but if she gets abusive, say to her that she is not allowed to talk to you that way and treat her badly.

Answer 4

there is a book called a "child called it" by Dave Pelzer there are 3 books in the series but it is a true story an i think it could help you alot .. I'm not sure if you like to read but he went though the same thing you did an more an made it out the other end

Answer 5

It's so easy to say get away & forget but this is what you MUST do not only for yourself but more for your children let your doctor know what happened & get some help

Answer 6

You probably was a bad kid, stop being a cry baby. You are supposed to respect your mother and father,that's being christian.