Question about my so-called 'father'?

Question

This is quite long- winded, but im looking for genuine answers only. please be kind.
so.. im a 21yr old, my parents divorced when i was 7 as my dad left my mum for another woman. after this i saw my dad at wkends, At first it was great, i used to put my dad up on a pedestal as he seemed to understand me and was a kind man. however as i grew older the visits became less frequent, up until now when i have not seen him since december 06. i have msgd him a couple of times and he replies after a couple of days. not once in that time has he initiated contact with me. the main thing for me was on my 21st birthday 12 days ago i did not recieve a phone call or message from my dad. i have spoken to him since and received a bday card but i have told him it is unforgiveable. i never answered my dad back once in the past but when i spoke to him after my bday i really let rip on him and told him what a crap dad he has been. i know this isnt really the best place to ask but do u think i was wrong?

ray d dog - my dad has never pampered me, i wudnt expect that. i just found it hurtful that he did not contact his daughter on her 21st bday

yup my dad has made mistakes alright! he called me a piece of ****, he hasnt seen me for nearly a year and he didnt say happy bday on my 21st

thank you for the kind answers, it brings tears to my eyes just writing about this.

Answer 1

No you weren't. You have the right to express your feelings. It wouldn't have happen had he been a considerate father to you. Don't be so hard on yourself and don't feel alone. Far to many so called fathers suck. The only people that wouldn't agree, either had good fathers or they are also so called fathers who suck. If you haven't been in this situation, you wouldn't understand.

Answer 2

Not knowing everything I can not say you were right or wrong. Why have you not seen your father? Was it because he did not invite you to is place, if so why didn't you invite him to lunch or to meet you someplace for a visit. No doubt your father has made some mistakes and bad choices, but that doesn't necessarily mean he is a bad father. When you were younger it seems you had a pretty good relationship with him. Do you know why your visits became fewer as you grew older? Again is it possible you did not try to see him, but waited for him to contact you? As we grow older we as to see more and more flaws in our parents. We can not go back to those childhood days to recover the perfect parent we thought we had. I agree for your father to forget your 21st birthday is a big blow, and something you should have called to his attention and let him know how much it hurt you. However, I am not sure it is a good idea to cut him out of your life. Maybe you could use this incident to talk to him and get your concerns out and see if he has any issues he is holding in. Then you you might find you can restart the relationship on a much better level. It will never be like it was when you were 7, but it can be a good adult relationship between parent and adult child.

Answer 3

You did the right thing. Maybe it will cause him to sit up and take notice of his neglectful behaviour and how it is affecting you. Perhaps he is so wrapped up in himself he has overlooked the fact that you need him and feel hurt by his lack of care. It is hard to accept that parents have faults and aren't as we would wish them to be. It may be that your dad is not a great person. All you can do is be honest with him without getting angry and allowing the situation to get out of control. Perhaps you could write him a letter once the dust has settled? If he doesn't respond, I'm afraid the only answer is to put your energy into relationships which are mutually beneficial and try to accept things as they are. It's hard though. Good luck x

Answer 4

Noo i think that is very reasonable! You have done nothing wrong, any devoted dad would have stopped at nothing to wish his daughter a happy birthday especially on such a special one as your 21st. As for the visits well in my opinion he may think that because your older and at that age you may not have time to see him as your out with friends etc. I think you should contact him (if you still want to see him) and organise a visit just to let him know that you still want to have frequent visits.

Hope all turns out!

Answer 5

I don't think it was wrong to tell him what was in your heart. One's 21st birthday is quite a milestone. To have your dad miss it must have been hurtful. It's actually a good thing that you shared your feelings with him. Divorce is never easy on kids...it never is...it wasn't on me, and I know it isn't on you. Sometimes we have to let our expectations go -- and have a different KIND of relationship than we'd like to have. It will work out. You did the right thing.

Answer 6

First off, I can see both sides. I have a dad that lives four blocks from me and never makes an effort to see me or his 2-yr-old grandson. I keep saying Im not going to take my son over but i give in after 3-4 months. He does this to my sisters and their kids too. I am also divorced, and my ex kept myd aughters from me for 3 years (supposedily because i got behind in child support, but I caught it up and still didnt see them for another year-and-a-half). I didnt feel like I could go to them and make matters worse when the ex was being so sh%$#y! My dad makes no effort on birthdays for me or his grandkids. When I eventually go over my step mom has the b-day cards sometimes many months late. To go so overly irate because he didnt call on your birthday sounds like you are just being ridicilious! You are an aduklt, it's not like it was your 10th b-day or something.

Answer 7

i am sorry but men just dont' remember things like that if hes with another woman she would have to do this for him and she apparently won't do it. there are some women that wont' do nothing for the children he has fathered. so therefor you can not really say hes bad. but then agian its his time for you and hes done apparently you are 21 and that is what he thinks i am sure. you would be best to remember the memories and move on this is just the way he is. keep with your own mom and take care.

Answer 8

you had every right to he is what you said and more so dont feel sorry ,your old enough now and he seams to think he doesnt owe you any love anymore just like he did your mom so forget about him he will be the one to lose the best thing for the second time in his life that he ever had when you feel like talking drop a line keep your head up your worth much more than he will ever know

Answer 9

hun, its not that your wrong, you have all the right to feel that way, and go right ahead, being an adult he should know that he has a responsibility to his children, he shouldn't have to be reminded that he has kids and that he has to take care of them, you are in all your right to feel this way, i think you should tell your dad that it bothers you that he has not responded to your emails and that it bothers you that the visits aren't as frequent as they were before, let him know. You gain nothing by talking to others when the problem is with your dad.

Answer 10

hey hun

dont let it get u down. for your dad to be this mean to u, and not caring, thats really messed up, but time for you to realize that you are not a priority in his life, sad as it is. i think you just need to let him go. someday, he will realize how he messed up. none of this is your fault, or anything u did, he's just a jerk!

good luck