Evil stepdaughter - I need to scream, punch the wall or just plain vent!?

Question

My stepdaughter and I have been having so many problems I am getting to the point that moving her into a tent in the yard is a wonderful idea.She is causing so many problems when her dad isn't home that I had to record her for him to see.Now he believes me.Today she tells me that she doesn't want me around any more and to stop acting like a mom.Going to be very hard to do since she lives with us - my husband has sole physical and legal custody of her - and I have no choice but to perform the role of mom.For the last 6 months she has become a huge thorn in my side.My husband and I decided today that I am no longer going to be a mom to her.She is to do everything herself.The funny thing is she keeps coming to me for help.I tell her to call her mom and ask her.She then says my mom won't do it.I say well then I sorry you asked me to stop being a mom and that is what I am doing.She has a rude awakening - her mom lost custody of her for a reason and it wasnt because she is a good mom.

Answer 1

A talk in the way of "I am here to be your friend as well as your fathers wife" is in order. I think its unrealistic for stepparents to expect to take on the biological parents roles with the child being open & accepting. Kids, especially older ones, fight this. Try to be her friend and keep structure but leave the disciplining to her father. See how that works.

Answer 2

My mom was actually my stepmom first, and tho i dont really remember her not being there, i knew that she was not my real mom. the funny thing about that tho, she IS my real mom. She is the one that takes care of me when i am sick or hurt, and she is the one that lets me cry on her shoulder and doesnt care about the tears and runny nose. Emtionally she is my mom and physically she is my mom. My biological mother couldnt care less about me. i have only seen her twice that i remember. My dad got her to sign away all rights to me, and my real mom adopted me. I reas these answerers on here, saying that kids dont need another 'parent', they do not, and CANNOT understand the situation unless they have been there. I am only 15, and i know that sometimes there is GREAT NEED for another parent. I think that your stepdaughter will understand eventually. Something will happen and she will need or want you, and then she will realize. If she lives with you permanently, then r u not the one that takes care of her? My mom takes care of me even when we fight, even when she is raging mad at me. Maybe if u continue to take care of her, then she will realize that u love her. Or maybe if you keep doing what u are doing, she will turn around and tell YOU that she appreciates YOU. I think of all the things that i have put my mom through, i am glad that she stuck around, and i am even glad that she punishs me when she sees fit...(tho i would NEVER tell her that, and at the time of the punishment i DO NOT feel that way, but usually a few days later i look back and think, wow, mom was right) i think all you and ur stepdaughter need is time. maybe just the two of you need to do something. Maybe even go off somewhere for an entire weekend and "bond". I hope i helped u out...if i can help u any farther, my e-mail is [e-mail]

Answer 3

You two need to come to a series of agreements... perhaps even go so far as to create a written "treaty".

* You know the kid is hurting and she is lashing out. You are the one reminder that her dad will never go back to her mom, and things will never be the same. She has to move on in her own development. Take her in for counseling if you must.

* She can't have it both ways... she will not force you and your husband apart. She cannot call upon you as her "mom" and still be mean and rude to you. Pick one. She can have you as a parent and an ally if she wants. Either way, you cannot be friends with this kid... or any other kids. You have to be the authority figure.

* You and your husband only have so long to teach her all the basics of how to get along in the world... traits like self-control, diplomacy, respect, responsibility, ethics, morals. If you have to, it is reasonable to use any means possible to instill the lessons... including the occasional slap on the face or spanking.

* You and your husband need to spell out that you are providing her with a home, clothes, food and the opportunity for an education. You really don't ask a lot in return... go to school, do the studies, get good grades, stay out of trouble, behave in a civilized manner, pick up after herself and do the few paltry chores assigned to her. It isn't much to ask for respect, either.

* You will probably have to use the ol' "carrot-and-stick" approach on her. If she behaves reasonably, she gets some kind of treat... trip to the mall, movies with friends, sleepovers... whatever. If she behaves like a brat, she gets something taken from her... her freedom, her iPod, or whatever gets the message across.

* She may be testing you in any number of ways to see how far she can push your buttons. You can't allow her to play you. You have to be the adult and the authority figure.

Answer 4

I would have done the same thing, my stepdaughters mom is in the picture she gets her 2 times a week and every other weekend. However his daughter lives with us, and I have been told numerous times by her bio mom that the situation is none of my concern, she is the one with the stretch marks and carried her for nine months, I told everyone in the beginning i am not trying to take anyone's place. Everything i do is put under a microscope. It drives me nuts, i know everything is about the children however that doesn't mean you put them on a pedestal. I am everyone's scape goat don't let this happen. It is hard to do but props for what you did, Untill people take a walk in this type of relation ship they HAVE NO RIGHT TO JUDGE.

Answer 5

Deep Breath, Hot Bath, and a glass of wine...that's what got me through my oldest step-daughter's teen years. Her father also didn't believe me until she couldn't contain one of her screaming fits at me in front of him.
Finally it came down to me telling her if she didn't want me to be a parent that was fine. All I was legally responsible for was clothing, food, and lodging. The car rides ended, the money from me ended, all the little extra's. She moved out right after she graduated. Now she understands more about being an adult and is rather sheepish about how she treated me, but it was a long road. I was the one that picked her up from the cops (a few times), broke up the illegal parties, and so on.
I have lots of grey hair.
My only advise is to not put your husband in the middle. I bit my tongue so many times, but it makes life easier in the end. If you give your step daughter an ultimatum...stick to it. Last but not least, walk away. I walked 4 miles in a snow storm once because I had to get out of the house.
I survived, my marriage survived...but it wasn't easy.
Email me if you want a person to vent to.
Good Luck!

Answer 6

I think from what little experience ive seen in this that she needs to realise how important you are in the overall scheme of things. Yes make her do her own stuff for a while but dont let her get to the point of being bitter and resentfull.

Let her stew for a while then try no matter how hard it seems to sit down and have a talk

dont know if this is going to help or not

Answer 7

Well, since you have given no real evidence, I don't know how we can help. Sure she'doesn't want you around.' She is a teen, without her own mother, with a substitute mother, with her father spending time with this new woman, who is acting like a mother--which all teens hate at one time or another. Give her some space. Let dad make the rules...sit her down go over the rules with her and you present. Then, when she disobeys, you enforce HIS rules, not your own. You aren't her mom, but apparently she doesn't have a very good one, so you are it. Be there for her...let her come to you....that is her way of trying to let you in and trying to feel you out and if she can trust you. Don't let her down just so you can be right.

Answer 8

I have been right where you are and can relate to how you feel. All I can say is to keep up what you have been doing. She will come around and see that you care about her. I am sure it is also hard because she probably wishes that her mom would step up and be a good mom.

Answer 9

Well she is living in your house and she needs to treat you with respect or else!!!!!!!!Hell yeah I would stop doing things for her also if she was being a little snot.Or then again maybe she really is looking for a mother figure since her mom is not in the picture,she is probaly pushing you to see how far she can go with it.Put your foot down and show her who the boss is.

Answer 10

i think of people are being too confusing on the lady. i do no longer understand precisely what she's dealing with, yet i understand that if my dad have been given a clean lady buddy(my mothers and dads are divorced besides, for as long as i will undergo in techniques), i might probable hate her. it is common teenage behaviour, perhaps you may desire to spend greater time together with her, act such as you prefer to be friends, do never attempt and be the bigger man or woman, this might make her even worse. i'm thriteen.

Answer 11

Keep up with what you are doing. She will eventually learn. It is a tough road that you have to deal with. She is probably mad that you are a better person than her real mom. It will pass, just be patient. If you need to release fustration I would not let her see it. Do it when she is not around. Good luck