she often cries for him, but the truth is he was abusive to me and emotionally to her. Should I tell her the truth? She is seven years old. If not now when? It tears me apart to see her tears over a man who hurt us so badly. Has any body out there gone through something similiar?
2007-11-04 12:15:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
She often cries for him, but the truth is he was abusive to me and emotionally to her. I left him when she was 6 months and found an other man whan she was almost 2. This man has served as her father, and is the most loving man I have ever known. I truly believe that honesty is the best policy, but I don't want to hurt her. On the other hand I don't want her to resent me later on in life for not being honest with her.One day she will find out the truth. I want her to know I will never lie to her and this is the only thing I have ever kept from her. Any suggestions. I don't hate this man, bot I hate to see her shed tears over a man who did her no good
2007-11-05 00:17:26 · update #1
I left him when she was 6 months and found an other man whan she was almost 2. This man has served as her father, and is the most loving man I have ever known. I truly believe that honesty is the best policy, but I don't want to hurt her. On the other hand I don't want her to resent me later on in life for not being honest with her.One day she will find out the truth. I want her to know I will never lie to her and this is the only thing I have ever kept from her. Any suggestions. I don't hate this man, bot I hate to see her shed tears over a man who did her no good
2007-11-05 00:18:41 · update #2
When I divorced my first husband, my children were so confused. They were so young, and I didn't know how in the world to tell them why and how their biological father and I were divorcing.
I finally just decided to tell them that mommy and daddy could not live together anymore, and that seemed to satisfy them. As they got older, they asked a few questions, but I never told them the real reason. Never. And I never will.
You see, your child is a product of you and your ex. No matter how abusive he may have been, no matter how toxic he may have been -- the two of you produced a wonderful human being. Your child is a product of you both -- and your child knows that.
Do you realize how damaging it is for a child to hear that one, or both, of their parents is "bad"? A child will automatically think that if a parent is bad, that makes them bad, too. There is no way you can sugar coat it, or soften the blow -- telling a child that one, or both, of their parents are bad, is detrimental.
You may have to keep that secret to yourself, at least for a few more years, no matter how heartbreaking it is to hear your child cry for him.
Additional Comment: It is wonderful that you have a good man in yours and your daughter's lives.
In response to your additional comment, the sadness your daughter is feeling as a result of her biological father's passing will ease. The best you can do for her is to let her cry, let her grieve and mourn in her own way .... love her, support her, she needs you to be her "rock". Remember though, she is just a child.
I can tell you are searching for validation and affirmation from this forum which will give you permission to tell her the truth about her father, and that decision is yours to make. But, remember, she is still just a child. Adult truths are sometimes too complex and overwhelming for children to comprehend.
Best wishes.
2007-11-04 12:54:21 · answer #1 · answered by tracy 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The truth about he passed away, yes, BUT you really need to find the right moment and time.It's OK to cry and feel sad, but very important to know that not having a father, she's not alone....many many kids don't even have both parents, or family......so, by being you two together, you can help each other to be there for each other, now you can have a team, a very strong team..... Practice what you want to say, if you have a religion, the members should be able to help you with this issue.
About the abusive part, no, wait until she's like 15, they understand better the situation, and understand the reasons of separation or divorce, but mention that you don't hate him, because God upstairs is the one to call who ever did not behave...it's not your call that after you told her the Truth, you continue always to repeat the same story, about how much you suffered, that he was an irresponsible, that he abused you, bla,bla,bla,bla.....don't make this mistake, because this man like him or not , is her father, and to her, he can be the homeless guy or the President, to her, he is her father and it will give you a lot of bad points if you try to poison her heart against him.
You have a double duty now, ( I am sorry to say this but even with a father figure they don't pitch in much, not all the fathers....but a lot).
Good luck!!
2007-11-04 12:35:02 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he has passed way then I see no need in hurting your little girl further by telling her he wasn't a great man. I would suggest maybe finding a counselor that you feel comfortable with, and they will be able to address the negative feelings you are still harboring towards him as well as help guide your daughter into a healthy woman. She doesn't remember that he was not the perfect father/husband, and at the age she is at now, it will just confuse her even further by telling her that she shouldn't be crying over this man and could possible lead to her being skeptical about you. I think its best to let bygones of this such, to be bygones, and figure out from a counselor what you can do to help her over her grief.
2007-11-04 12:28:38 · answer #3 · answered by Chrissy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let her have her memories. My sons lost their father when they were 4 and 2, he was a wonderful man. You must have loved him at one time because you have a child with him so tell her only the good stuff unless you want to kill her self esteem. Our children are both of us and she needs to now the good things the other half of her had to offer. As a girl we worship our fathers and you can make sure she will look for a wonderful man if you let her think her father was just that. You need to get over the ugly feelings you still have, the man is dead and can't hurt either one of you anymore. Good Luck
2007-11-04 12:32:23 · answer #4 · answered by Married Lady 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can understand why you would think it is necessary to tell your daughter of her abusive father. I sense your anger towards him, however, I don't think it's necessary to give your daughter that information. Let her preserve whatever memory she wants to preserve of her father. What good would come out of telling her? How would that help her? You would make her sad, confused, feeling more empty over her dad, and worry. Allow your child to grieve over her dad. So maybe he wasn't the best father in the world but it's the only one she had and to rub salt in her tender wounds would not be the smart thing to do. Give her plenty of love and attention and help her through the grieving process. You in the meantime need to find some way to resolve all the emotional wounds you have so you can be there for your daughter emotionally. Best to you.
2007-11-04 12:37:30 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
this is a very tough time for your little girl. i think its best to give her a sugar coated version and tell her the truth when she's older. if he was abusive then tell her that her daddy wasn't the best person in the world, and that he's gone up there somewhere, and its for the best. tell her that you love her deeply and that you'll always be there for her because you will be. spend time together, show her a life without the bastard (sorry) and when you know she's ready tell her the truth. its best if she knows before she's 13, i know young, but during that time kids are known to accept things easier. especially with all the upcoming high school stress.
2007-11-04 12:46:58 · answer #6 · answered by Hadriana E 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No dont tell her that he was abusive, especially not right now. The man is gone from this earth and what that will do is rob your daughter of any memory of her father. I'd hate for the only memory of her father to be a bad one.
2007-11-04 12:27:45 · answer #7 · answered by that hot chick 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She wants to love her father. Find something, anything, good about him to tell her. My daughter's father didn't die, but we split up when she was three and he was a horrible husband and father. However, I could always truthfully tell her that he loved her, (she's his only biological child), and that he was great in math, which she inherited from him. She was 16 before she met him and learned more about his childish personality, but by then she was old enough to handle the truth.
2007-11-04 12:21:07 · answer #8 · answered by Rebeckah 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't say anything. I lost my father when I was 6 years old I really dint remember anything about him. As I was growing up my family always said bad things about him and I guess it really hurt because after all he was my father and I guess I held him higher up or at least wanted too. Maybe wait and if she ask questions then tell her Hope this helps.
2007-11-04 13:40:43 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would say she's too young to hear about the emotional and physical abuse. However, she shouldn't be driven to tears after four years.
I think you both need some professional counseling to move through this.
2007-11-04 12:21:00 · answer #10 · answered by Dan H 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋