Thanksgiving with conservative family and bisexual boyfriend? How to come out of closet before wedding?

Question

My fiance identifies as queer & has had serious relationships with both men and women. My immediate family has already met him, likes him, and knows about his sexual orientation. My extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles) has not yet met him and they are very conservative. Their conservativeness has always been an issue -- often culminating in heated arguments between my mom and her brothers -- but they are family and we still somehow love each other and get along.

I'm worried about how the meeting will go between my boyfriend & my grandparents and uncles at Thanksgiving. I would, of course, protect him from any bigoted remarks that were directed at him, but I'm afraid that, in general, the atmosphere will just be tense. They don't know about his orientation so it might be a non-issue if he doesn't bring it up and the conversation stays mild...but I also don't want him to feel like I'm sticking him in the closet.

Spider2006, I'm not sure where the confusion is....my boyfriend has had relationships with men and women. I am a woman. He is marrying me. Thus, he is a queer person who is getting married.

kill_yr_television, Aside from the obvious crassness of your response, you also seem to be confused as to what defines "sex life." Plenty of people refer in passing to their ex's when telling stories about prior events. ("The worst traffic I ever saw was when I was in Washington D.C. over Veteran's Day weekend and my girlfriend at the time wanted to see the World War II memorial....") It isn't inappropriate and doesn't fall into the category of talking about "sexual preferences." It's just talking about life. When you have to disguise the gender of your past relationships in order to make other people comfortable....well, it's not exactly fair, is it?

Answer 1

I think you answered your own question. Like many posters said, there is no need for anyone to announce their sexual orientation- whether straight gay or what have you. At the same time, there is no need to hide it- so when telling a story pertaining to the conversation at hand, tell it like it was: "My boyfriend at the time, Joe.." or "In my second year of college I was dating this girl Cindy, and..." Through natural conversation while getting to know your boyfriend, they will start to put together the pieces. Eventually some bold family member might ask "Wait- did you say boyfriend?" and he can answer honestly "Yes Ive dated both men and women in the past." No need to tip toe- or flaunt- the issue.

Answer 2

First, I'm confused as to how someone who identifies as queer can be your fiance. Nonetheless, there will ALWAYS be tension when a new person is brought in the scene. Relatives, regardless of whether they are conservative or not, feel the need to check out the new family member. You chose him, and if it becomes an issue, you need to make it clear why you chose him. His sexual orientation is a non-issue to you, and you need to make it clear that it will not be a family issue.
As for him, you might want to let him now that he shouldn't go out of his way to make your family feel uncomfortable. Not everyday does Thanksgiving dinner conversation turn to your most recent sexual experience. Even very "open" people need to know when certain topics should be avoided. Manners are never out of style.

Answer 3

I am not sure why this needs to come up with your extended family. He is engaged to you now -- your extended family shouldn't care about his past relationships. I would consider this to be akin, if he were straight, to them asking him about ex-girlfriends or him feeling the need to talk about ex-girlfriends. It just isn't appropriate.

You said that your fiance identifies himself as queer. If this is an important part of his identity, I see how he may feel the need to make it known to everyone, but I think this is honestly a mistake. Imagine for example that you come from a very conservative Republican family but are marrying a staunch Democrat. Your fiance wouldn't be staying in any closet by keeping his political beliefs out of polite conversation. Of course, he shouldn't feel the need to hide them if asked, but I would encourage him to focus on polite conversation topics that will make everyone feel comfortable. He isn't being untrue to himself. These people are not his closest friends. He would simply be acknowledging that he and your family have some different beliefs and choosing to be a good holiday guest. I do not see how his sexual orientation would simply come up in a conversation if he didn't deliberately bring it up. To deliberately bring up unnecessary and uncomfortable topics is antagonistic.

Answer 4

You are going into a marriage that I predict will be filled with jealousy, mistrust and unhappiness. Yes, right now everything is so nice and you say what is the difference that he is bi sexual. Well, I will tell you what is the difference. When he has sexual encounters with strange men and women putting you in danger for getting a sexually transmitted disease, or AIDS then you will feel very different about being married to a bi-sexual. I cannot understand why you are accepting his sexual orientation? What is he compromising for you? You are going into a powder keg that is filled with danger. I will tell you that your marriage will never work. Once you have children, it will be over, because your self preservation will be at stake because you want to be there for your kids and not be in danger of dying from a STD. So think about this marriage more carefully than you have been.

Answer 5

Whether you're homo or het, your sex life pretty much belongs in the closet at family Thanksgiving dinners, doesn't it? Even if your guy was 100% straight, would he be talking about his sexual past to your grandparents? Or even about what does or doesn't attract him sexually? Guests just don't go around saying "Hi, I'm Dave and I'm bisexual" at a family holiday dinner anymore than they'd go around saying "Hi, I'm Melinda and I prefer poles to holes."

I don't understand how conservatism can, of itself, be an issue. I think you mean that the differences between your mom and the rest of your family has been allowed to cause some issues. It takes two to tangle. Just because someone makes a bigotted remark about sexuality, politics, religion, race, or whatever doesn't mean that you HAVE to challenge them on it. Having peace at a family gathering is more important than "proving a point" and "standing up for the principle" IMO. Sounds to me like at least one side of your family needs to learn to say "Thank you for sharing that with us" instead of "You're so wrong" before someone overdoses on all that drama and conflict.

Maybe I'm "not getting it" here but I don't see why any member of your family (other than you) should know about your BFs sexual past.

Answer 6

It is non of their business, so why do they need to know.
Explain to your man that you are not trying to change him or
hide him from them, but they wouldnt understand so it is better that it doesnt come up. If he is silly enough to want to flaunt his sexual desires at a family thanksgiving then i would be rethinking the whole relationship.
Just because someone might have a spanking fetish, doesnt mean that granny and co need to hear about it at the thanksgiving dinner table. Same should go for sexual orientation. All they need to see is your fiance, the man you have chosen to marry and be with. Why do they need to know more?

Answer 7

i think all the responses you received were great!
some things just shouldn't be mentioned at family dinners. if he would refer to a situation that happened with an ex- boyfriend, he would just use the term "friend" no need to tell what kind of relationship it was. also some people (older folks mostly) don't get the bi thing.
but if you both were swingers and you were talking about a story that happened with another couple while you were driving together, you wouldn't say "while we were driving with our sex partners" you would say with our friends. so its really not to much to ask of both of you to just not mention it. besides do you want them trying to visualize- because they will. spare them.

Answer 8

Most engaged couples' sex life is generally not a topic for dinner table conversatiom during the holidays or any other time. If they truly are so conservative I'd be very suprised if your relatives brought it up. So let sleeping dogs lie. It really isn't anyones business but your own.

Answer 9

I don't think a person's sexuality is any one elses business, and certainly not a topic for conversation around the dinner table at thanksgiving!! Just don't tell them, his past is exactly that, his past, if you are his future then that's the only thing that should concern them.

Answer 10

Why do they have to know on the first meeting about this? Do you walk with a sign that says... hye my fiance is bisexual? I think that is YOUR life, you are old enough to know what you want and who you love, so keep your mouth close and wait for the right time to let them know (in case you want them to know)