Some questions for atheists?

Question

One of the R & S regulars has very recently come out of the atheist closet (in here, anyway). S/he has not told his/her family yet.

For those of you who grew up in a religious family, how did you tell your family about your atheism? Or, did you decide not to tell them?

Answer 1

What a wonderful, and very timely question!! :)

I've been thinking a lot about this, lately, and it's something difficult for me to talk about, at home At YA, I've been answering some questions for atheists, but only recently I assumed my position more openly and clearly, here. I suspect that most of my friends and contacts still didn't notice that. I know many will be surprised, and I fear some will be disappointed.

I was born and grew up in a country - Brazil - where the vast majority of the people are Catholics, and the rest follow different other religions. It's difficult to find people who say they don't believe in god, here, I know very few, and none close to me, which means I have no one to talk to, about this.

My family is Catholic, but my parents never agreed with many things about the Catholic church, and didn't practice their religion, or cared much about it. They, especially my Mom, have been caring more about this, these last years, after my family went through a lot, and this surprised me.

My brother and I were baptized, but never took to church by our parents, for masses, or anything like that, only for an occasional wedding in the family. When I was about seven, my aunt, who is very religious, decided that she should do something about "educating" me, and my parents agreed that she took me to catechism classes. I did my first communion, and my brother did his, a couple of years later. My parents were trying to leave us free to choose what we wanted so, when we wanted to go to church, they let us go.

When I was eleven, and we moved back to the city where I was born, my grandmother convinced my parents to put me in a Catholic school, because the education there was much better. We used to go to a Montessori school, before that, and I hated that the new school was only for girls, and that I had to use an uniform. But the nuns were very nice and, very soon, I was friends with everybody there, as it always happens to me, at all new places I go. Where I have friends, I'm happy, and I was happy, the four years I studied there. I missed the boys, but there were a lot of them at the building where we lived, so I was ok, in that respect :)

When I was fifteen, we moved to the city where I live now and, again, the best school was the Catholic one, so there we went. It was a wonderful place, I had a great time there and, for the first time in my life, I started to go to church every Sunday, because of the friends, for some months. It was when I started to think more about religion, and to realize that I didn't fit at the Catholic church, or any other, and that I didn't feel I was born to be religious, this wasn't in me. It was when I left the church, and left religion. Since then, I've only been to churches for weddings and funerals, and to keep company to my Mom, a few times. I also like to visit them when I travel, when they're empty, because I love religious (and any) architecture.

At that time, I started to call myself "non-religious", which I did until very recently. I could have thought and read more about this, but I didn't feel like it, I had a lot of other things going on in my life that were more important, to me. Religion was just nothing, and I didn't have time for thinking much about it. Or didn't want to face it, and myself, maybe. I excluded it from my life, and moved on.

I've been at YA for almost two years, but only months ago I started to answer and ask questions at R&S, and started to think about religion again. It was when I realized what/who I really was, and I didn't know - still don't - how to deal with this, in pratice, especially with my family. I never told anyone here, at home, about this, and don't think I ever will, to most of my family. They wouldn't understand, would worry about me and some would be disappointed and hurt, and I don't see any reason for doing this to them. It's very possible that I'll end up talking to the younger ones, my brother, cousins and nephew and niece, at some point of my life, but not sure about anything, now.

Days ago, at my Birthday, I had many family members and family friends saying things like "god bless you", "may god protect you", or "I'm praying for you". I don't know what to answer to this, I just say thank you, because I know they love me, and have the best intentions, but I feel like I'm being fake, or lying, and this bothers me much.

I've been feeling a little lost, but I'm happy that I'm here, where I can learn a lot, and where I found some great people, and some wonderful friends, that can understand me. And I feel happy and relieved that I'm now able to say who/what I am. It's frightening, but it's liberating, at the same time :)

Answer 2

I didn't come out and make an annoucement. I think how you handle this depends on the individuals and family involved. I think that it can also help if there is a family member that you know will be supportive or understanding to go to them first. Get their advice on how to handle it with other family members and also already have them ready to support or run interference if needed. For me I just waited until religious topics came up and the moment seemed right with a receptive mood and no tension. Then I just voiced what it was about the topic that didn't make sense to me. Like when an aquaintance was ill and someone in my family said we should pray. I took the moment and told them I had my doubts about the efficacy of prayer and why and that I thought maybe I would offer more concrete support like offering to babysit for free or taking over some food as it felt more meaningful to me. I also stopped going to church. When asked I said that I had always felt more spiritual in nature than in church and just didn't feel I was getting a lot out of services. I was choosing therefore to spend the time recharging my batteries and being spiritual in nature instead. I did this after I wasn't living at home anymore though so it was easier than when still living with family who go. I still did volunteer and charity work and in all other ways stayed pretty much the same person. I came out to various people gradually bit by bit depending on the individual and how I thought they would handle it. It was mostly not as big a deal as I sometime feared but there were a few relationships that were damaged or lost. It felt important though not to pretend to be someone I wasn't or feel like I was lying about my beliefs. I feel that if those people can't accept me as I am than so be it, the relationship wasn't right for either of us. Mostly it worked out okay.

Please give my best wishes to the person and let them know I hope it goes okay for them whatever they decide.

Answer 3

I was raised in a very religious family but one in which free thought was encouraged so I probably had it somewhat easier than most. Nevertheless there was a lot of quite pressure to be religious. I declared my atheism by degrees over a periods of years. I first found people outside my family with whom I could clarify my thoughts and feelings. I stopped going to religious occasions and let my parents know that my spirituality was a personal thing that I was honestly thinking about. (All true). I asked all the questions and made all the assertions I could that I knew would push the boundaries of my relationship with my parents without deeply offending or hurting them. I started by disagreeing with them openly about little things and then gradually (over years) moved to more substantive issues. I also tested the waters with my siblings and found common ground with them.

I didn't so much defy or leave religion as outgrew it. I kept the values that I valued and gave credit where credit was due. I let my parents know that my doubts and latter rejection of the religion did not make me doubt or reject the importance of being a good human-being.

Answer 4

My story in bullet points:

- Raised catholic in rural eastern Canada during the 1960s and 1970s.
- Went to school with kids who had as many as *fifteen* siblings, because elderly celibate bachelors in dresses are the go-to guys for family planning advice, doncha know.
- Had no complaint with our parish priests. Some of them were okay guys, some less so; none was a criminal, at least not to my knowledge.
- Always an avid reader, I happened to read a lot of world mythology during junior high -- Greco-Roman, Norse, Babylonian, North American Indian. Couldn't help noticing how the same characters keep turning up in all the stories -- man-gods born of virgins, creator gods engaged in perpetual duels with troublemaker gods, heroes who take pity on the miserable human race and pay a terrible price, etc. As for the plots, they were downright monotonous, e.g.: Authority Figure leaves Young Woman alone with a Mysterious Object which she is FORBIDDEN to examine, but she can't ignore her curiousity and all hell breaks loose as a result. Et cetera.
- At 16 or so, stopped taking communion at mass; also I think that's when I stopped kneeling for prayers. Nobody said anything on the first couple of occasions, but on the third Sunday Mom and Dad took me aside afterwards and asked what was up. "I just don't believe it anymore," was my answer. They exchanged a look of dismay, but said very little about it, then or later.
- One of my sisters (the Smart One) is also an atheist; the other (the Smart and Cute One) is still a devout catholic; and our brother (Well, He'll Do) is some variety of baptist, I think he caught it in college.

Answer 5

I haven't told them yet, I might not ever. My kids are too attached to my parents, and knowing how delusional they can be they'd probably never want to speak to them again (happened with my brother), and they'd also probably cut my kids off from future financial issues(if you know what I mean).

By the way I've been an atheist for 4 years, and yeah I guess I'm a wuss. Here's a star.

Answer 6

I have not told my family, nor do I ever intend to.

My parents are strong Christians.

They raised me to believe that atheists and satanists are insuperior to Christians/believers.

Therefore, realizing that I myself didn't believe in God was quite a shock to me. I had become what I was raised to fear, and that scared the living hell out of me.

Slowly, I came to accept it.

However, I also came to accept that my parents, on the other hand, wouldn't.

They'd treat me differently. With less respect; more hatred.

They dislike me enough already, and I'd prefer to avoid further dislike, by telling them something that, as far as I'm concerned, is none of their business.

You're probably thinking, "Of COURSE it's their business!"

But, it's not.

I have a very strained relationship with my parents. Growing up with them was emotionally strangling. To this day, their voices alone bring pain to me--hearing their words makes me mentally paroxysmic; I can't handle it.

So, I haven't told them.

I don't want to risk making that worse.

I don't ever intend to inform them of this, either. Maybe they'll figure it out eventually. But I know they won't accept it; therefore, I'm not bringing it up.

BUT, if the person in question can be open with their parents without fear of extreme pain coming from such an outset of information, then tell them. I'm not proud of the fact that I can't be open with my family. But that's how it is; I can't change it.

Just the same, tell them if you feel it's important to you. If not, don't. But don't ever let them pressure you into changing your mind; it's your belief--no one can take that right from you.

Answer 7

Admittedly, "Coming Out" as an atheist has given me some empathy for gay folks but I never had to "come out" to my family. They pretty much saw it coming when I was in 8th grade at a catholic school and I described it as "papist horseshit". I routinely slept through mass. By the time I was a freshman in high school, my mom quit forcing me to go to church.

Answer 8

just say it... all Christians have doubt (with good reason). If she came out then the parents will be upset but they will sympathize with those feelings of doubt they have, or they will just go into denial. If a parent scorned a child for not having the same ideologies then that says a lot about the parents choice in religion.

Answer 9

I haven't told my family, but all my friends, people here and people I know know that I'm an Atheist.

Answer 10

I never told my parents... they were old and it would have upset them, they had dementia. The rest of my family learned gradually by ocassional statements I made that were subtle but clear. There doesn't have to be a bunch of drama over the whole thing.

The important part is that we live by our sense of integrity.