how do i deal with the paranoid feelings that my lifes been controlled & manipulated all my life?

Question

seriously...its like i dont have the option to choose what i want, to choose the life i want.

nothing i want has ever come true, and my unsupportive family who impose upon me and who throw the blame on me and have suppressed and controlled me all my life, they tell me to take each day...stay where iam in the uk...make the best of things.

and for me thats not good enough. my dreams are and what ive always wanted is to :
choose my friends....to emigrate far from the uk, to the usa or canada...build a new life ( choose) a loving partner, a secure home...get a good job...have a life, have friends.

ive missed out & none of this as ever happened, i live on welfare in a one bedroom flat, never been employed, never gained qualifications, never been in a relationship, never made any friends.

im 30 & have borderline personality disorder..i dont have anyone, im extremely lonely...i want to go my own way...move from the uk...build my own life elsewhere

i was bullied and abused all my life this is how i developed borderline personality disorder

but i honestly feel my lifes being controlled
so i cant do the things i want.
everything i touch turns to tradgedy.

the one or two internet friends i spoke to for
months, that i grew attached to have abandoned
me....are not interested in helping or talking
to me anymore.
ive been rejected my a lot of people i liked on
the internet...most of them females.

i cant have anything nice can i?

nothing can go the way i want can it?

i feel those contacts were told not to help
or associate with me no more.

i feel stuck in the uk on welfare no employment
history..
when all i want to do is sever ties and leave
go far off and build my own life. reinvent.
start afresh.
but i feel my lifes being controlled so that
THAT doesnt happen.

what do i do?

Kudzu Heathen® : its not ' me' im trying to escape you got me wrong....its my life, circumstances.

my idea of a life is living far off..going my own way...good job...loving partner.

Answer 1

somethings can control your mind if you let them Ex' My brother got hooked into pot when he was younger and lost reality long ago. Now greed hate and anger control him, So he's not a guy I once knew as a good person and a brother I loved being around.
You have to step outside where your thoughts and feeling of being pinned are at, Try to do something for yourself. Take a bike ride or drive out to an area where no one else goes to with you.. Consider this you own private sanctuary away from the trappings you feel in life. . Do it at least a few times a week or after you're done with everything for your day.
This is your life now They've raised you as far as they need to. Now they have to stand back and either watch you fly to your goals or fall a few times. The reason you feel like you fail is the weight of their epxectations of you doesnt seem to be what they want them to be.
But this is where you have to say, Hey I'm me I'm either goona F* up or grow and succeed.
God didnt create you to stay under their wings 24 / 7 your entire life. Once you come of age to wear you are old enough to go to college or leave home , Then that is when your own life is your own. You must now crawl out from under their wings and go under the protection of God's instead. He is there, and knows your capabilities better than they do or even someone like me who didnt grow up around you.
See it this way. God gave your parents a special gift when you came along, Someone to care for and grow up, but their job ended at one point when you grew up and became an adult physically. . Some parents never let go, but this is time to stand on your own , cut the apron strings your mom has around you, It ddoesnt mean you no longer love them , but that you want to be independant and bloom in other parts of your life. Being within those surrounding and walls, isnt helpign you do that. If you must leave where you're at , by going a new town or part of the uk then do so.
By staying there, You are the one that keeps yourself pinned down.
The borderline feelings you have now wont go away unless you can try to live free. There are med you can take to help you function as normal as can be.
I left home and moved in with my fiance when I felt it was time. Even though My parents and sister fought me and begged me to reconsider this choice, I knew it was right for me. They said I'd fail and wouldnt last long with him. But I have it's been 21 years now, and 2 kids later. They are in college and high school and though I didnt want to see my girl go as I knew I'd miss her, as we are so close , and can now consider each other best friends as wellas family we still confide in each other , But I still miss her here, I know it was the right thing to do, I my husband and her were/ are so much a ,like on things they always faught , and it pinned me in the middle. She has proven to me she can be on her own, though she's stumbled a few times, She never gave up instead she just would call for some advice or to check in to be encouraged. She found a really kind and caring guy in college, Her first boyfriend, She feels totally confident now and has bloomed even more since she met him. I'm happy for her. My son is in highschool and is stressing and pushing to be free so I give him limits and let him test his wings also. He may fail a few times, but he wont give up. As I raised my kids to keep trying, failure is only when you stop trying , not when somethings break or goes wrong. That only a lesson on what not to do the next time.
Life its way Too short to stay cooped up where you are. BUT be sure you are ready to leap with strong wings and God's wind to keep you from falling.
You have friends here to help you keep going , but NEVER give up on wanting to be you. As no one else can. Just as you cant be someone else. God created , and know exactly who you are and what you're capable of doing. Keep in mind even The most famous people in this world got a few scratches and made a lot of big mistakes to get where they have in life. so you can succeed at what ever you do. Do it for you and not someone else and it will show you.

Answer 2

:S Well you've already tried a few times and you have your answer, he doesnt want you to contact him.. I'd say just give it a while...dont keep on texting him..give him some space and dont contact him for about a day then try again :\ If it is still the same..then hes obviously a jerk that takes things to heart and isnt really a forgiving person..or maybe that isnt the real reason why he's saying not to msg him'...he may have someone else behind it...but i could be wrong. Give it while.. Good luck! Also..dont cry over him..he isnt worth it!

Answer 3

So, leave. Take the next plane out to California or Florida where there is sun and beaches and see what happens. But I think a better idea would be to contact any family you have in France and see if they will take you in. France has some warm spots and beaches too.

If you can't or won't do those things, then take whatever help there is there where you are. I can't imagine what you are going through, but by your posts it soundls like you will have to take drastic action soon before you give up entirely. I hope you will get the help you need before that happens. You sound like an intelligent and decent guy. It would be such a shame if you weren't able to get on your feet and achieve those things that you want to achieve.

Answer 4

Get off your butt & do it! No one is controlling you but you, you don't have to listen to your parents, you are a grown man. Yes people get bored with hearing someone complain & not helping themselves, first step, see a doctor & get on meds for depression. Jobs are hard to find over there, I've known Brits who moved here simply to not live their lives on the dole. Ireland has more jobs right now than England I've heard, but if you want the states or Canada, apply for the necessary paper work & don't tell your family until you have a departue date. Women don't generally want to take on a 'defeated man', so defeat your self-doubts & rebuild yourself from the ground up. It's not too late, but at this point you don't have time to waste either, over here we have a saying that may help...Sh*t or get off the pot! You CAN do this, but you have to make the effort, no ones life is totally smooth, let the setbacks be lessons & travel on. Good luck.

Answer 5

Omega.
You know what all your issues are my friend and I think the mistake you are making here is trying to combat them all, in one go. You cant do that, you need to address each issue seperatley.
I was thinking about you today and here is what I think ok.
I think you need to stop focusing on a partner, a job, friends and for certain emergrating.Why you ask? well becasue you are not ready for any og those thiings right now, Wouldnt you like to be free of all your issues or have them under control, then when you are ready, love and friendship and company will follow and they will stay as you will be much more stable.
The reason people are deserting you is because of your emotional needs which are very very heavy.
You need to take this one day at a time and one very tiny step at a time ok. So here is what I want you to do .
Tomorrow morning when you wake up, I want you to think of something you want to achieve for that day, a tiny tiny thing, it can be anything but make it small.You know what, I WANT you to achieve it omega. I want you you to do it no matter how hard it is for you. I dont want to hear you have not done it lol. This is how we are going to proceed ok, every day we are going to achieve tiny tiny steps. This will build up your self confidence and each time you do it this gives you something to tell your mum that will be positive for a change ok. E mail me with your challenge ok, and I am trusting you to follow it through ok so dont let me down.
Thyen I want you to tell me how it felt when you achieved your goal. write it down to.
Ok this is going to take a long time but there is an end to all this ok and I am going no where ok, so lets get started on your road to recovery.

UPDATE:
Omega you misunderstand what I wrote.What am saying is right now at this
moment for certain you have to put that idea on the back burner. I didnt mean dont go altogether.
of course you have to go if that is your dream and
I want to help you achieve that.W hat I was trying to say was you need to get your life here sorted, then when you do emigrate you can go to the US or Canada.
and start a new wonderful life, I have been to the US wonderful choice
I take everything you say seriously ok
.I am here to help I am not the enemy. So please dont bite my head off in an e mail when you missunderstand what I write.

Answer 6

Even if you moved to the US or Canada, you would still be you. You can't blame your "unsupportive" family anymore. You're the one making your choices and if you're continually making the crappy ones, you really need to face this fact and start paying attention -- no one is entitled to anything they haven't earned. You can't sit and THINK about things happening -- you have to get off your butt and MAKE them happen. There HAS to be some kind of social services that offer employment training for low income people (there is in the US anyway).

Answer 7

I've answered your questions several times and have gotten no response from you about whether you've read the materials or what you think about the readings. you don't seem to be doing anything to change and are looking for emotional support. From my experience people don't stick around and continuously give emotional support + patience. i know because i've never meet anyone who's done that for me. unless they are getting something out of it and seeing that there is progress they will give up on you. i know you might not like me because i'm not being all "friendly" and saying loving nice things but it is a fact. look at the evidence.

Answer 8

look the more u put yourself down , the more it going to get worse. love yourself , even if your family treat u wrong , i feel that your parent shloud help u? i wish i can do somthing that can make u feel good , but i don't know what to do. i'm been tease and got beat up too when i was a child and i still have to try to let it go and be confidence , i'm working on that too. and it your life , it your choose , make it your own and make it come true.

Answer 9

Ghosty, you just need to calm down and rationally work through feelings, one by one and figure out what is causing you to feel this way and how you could fix it.

I think that maybe part of the problem is that you are thinking TOO MUCH: you are spending so much time dwelling on the less than ideal aspects of your life, that you are caught in a negative spiral whch keeps feeding off itself.

You need to break out of this by thinking less about bad things and more taking action to improve how you feel about yourself, life and future. You just need to let a little of that baggage go so that you can fly.

Answer 10

Everyone has paranoid feelings at one time or another but you have know which is real and which is not, Now if you can not then you have a problem. I don't know how to help you, other then saying it is you life and you have to live it, the same as I have to live mine.