Help with 4-year old temper?

Question

I have a 4 year-old son who I feel I have lost total control of. When he's happy, he's sweet and full of love. When he listens, he is very proud of himself for listening. But when he is mad, he is mean and hurtful and physical. He will blatantly ignore his father and i and when we follow through with a consequence, he laughs at us and hits us. I have swatted his butt, which he thinks is funny. I have tried timeouts, everything i can think of... I try and predict what situations will set him off and try to help him make good choices before they happen. He also has two sisters, who pick on him or ask him to play and then sneak away and lock him out and won't play anymore. This if course makes him angry, but then he gets in trouble for hitting them. His actions are wrong, but he has a right to feel upset. His father thinks I am babying him on top of it because i want to help him learn to deal with feelings rather than always punishing. I feel like a failure as a mother. Help

Answer 1

Try emotional coaching!
When he gets upset, take him aside and talk about how he is feeling, ask him how he thinks it would be fixed, then talk about it together. It's not babying him, it teaching him to confront and control his feelings. Everyone gets mad, and he needs to learn that, and he needs to learn how to manage that anger.

Answer 2

What's the punishment for the sisters??? I'm going through the same thing with my 3 & 5 yr. olds right now.. It's gotten so bad that I have a permanent tremble in my body..
What I'm doing now and is working pretty good is this:
1.I paddle their bottoms.
2.Put them in timeout for 5 minutes.
3.Before they get to timeout, I sit down in front of them and explain to them what the problem is and the consequences too.
4. I also take away whatever has caused the fit, unless it is because they are ready for lunch, dinner, or breakfast. If it is because they are ready to eat, they have to wait until the meal is ready. When the next snack time comes they don't get a snack because of their fits. This is explained to them when they go to timeout. If they throw a fit because they want a snack, they don't get one if they didn't eat the last meal.
My kids lost All of their Halloween candy because of their behavior and boy did it piss them off!
5. After their punishment is over I make them apologize to every person who is/was at home during their fits, because they were disturbing others and didn't show any respect for anyone.
6. I also send the kids to bed early.
7. They also loose their priviledges like computer time, trip to the park, toys, etc. and get stuck using their imaginations to stay busy.

Hope this helps..My kid is currently throwing a fit just because a movie wasn't put on as soon as she demanded it. The fit is going from bad to worse really fast....!

Answer 3

I am not a mother (yet) but a preschool teacher and I have 2 nephews ages 2 and 5 who kind of have a similar issue. I know that we are not supposed to do this anymore, but when you say swat how hard is that? I think what a lot of children need these days is a good spanking. I know that sounds harsh but that's how I learned. I would try maybe taking him somewhere alone and talk to him about his actions. Also, do you ever punish his sisters for teasing him and getting him in trouble? He is not old enough to know how to deal with his anger and I'm sure he gets confused when the girls tease him to a point where he gets upset and then he gets in trouble. I find in my class what works best is to take a walk or spend a few minutes with the child who is having a problem and just talk to them. I'm not sure how much I have helped you. Don't let him make a mockery of you and your husband. He needs to know who is in charge. Good luck!

Answer 4

My oldest daughter turned four two weeks ago. We also have a 3 month old little girl. I thought I was worst parent on earth because my child just would not listen to me. I came up with this reward program. I bought a thing of poker chips and each chip is 50 cents. I can give or take the chips away. We have picked one day a week that she is able to spend the chip money and get something she likes. I also noticed that her dad and I have to watch how we talk and what we say to each other and that has helped our situation a little better. Good Luck !!

Answer 5

I feel your pain. I am going through the 'fours' now. The sisters need to have consequences. They are just making a bad situation worse.

I tried time-outs & paddling too. I hated paddling. I don't believe in it but as a parent you have to go where you have to go. My son thought it was a joke as well. He'd 'paddle himself' & laugh. I tried putting his toys in timeout etc. Nothing had long term effects.

I finally came up with this after I was called twice to get him from his school because of his behavior- "The Doctor". I told my son that I called the doctor because he was acting so naughty and the doctor told me to do the following. Whenever he CHOOSES (important) to use potty words, call names, hit/kick, or not follow directions he has to put a toy in the trash. The first day we put 14 toys in the OUTSIDE trash. Boy was he mad and upset. I began this 6 days ago. We are still putting things in on a daily basis but only 2/3. With Halloween candy you get double duty-you get to get rid of candy you did not want him to have and make a point.

By using the "Doctor' you also are not the bad guy. I don't get calls at work anymore. Now he's not an angel but he's coming along.

Good Luck!

Answer 6

Im not against a spanking,but in a situation where a child is acting in agression,you dont want to punnish him with agression as well. What is that teaching?..you want him to stop hitting,so you hit him?..I know you arent doing this,but some of the other answers suggested this. You need to put a reward system in place,for all of the kids...Try making a penny chart on your fridge...with pictures of tasks that need done durring the day... I.e . making your bed,brushing your teeth,putting your packpack away.....a daily routene...each time a task is accomplished independantly,they earn a penny.....if its not accomplished,they dont earn the penny...have a treasure box ready,full of all kinds of fun trinkets (Dollar store works great for this)...and before the kids go to bed at night,when the last task is accomplished,they get to spend their pennies in the treasure box (each toy is worth a different ammount)...include in your chart a spot for "keeping hands and feet to myself" and one for "Following directions" make these ones worth more..like a quarter....this way you can throw out reminders like "I hope you remember to make good choices today,so that you can earn your quarter...".it really does work..try it..and not only are you teaching routenes,but you are also teaching money management,and value...the kids can save up there pennies and quarters for something BIG..o!r spend them for something small...when there chart fills up with pennies..they can trade them in for dimes..ect...
hope this helps

Answer 7

Put him in a safe room and close the door. The more attention he gets from you the more hes going to throw them. This is something you really need to try controlling before the new one arrives it couild be dangerous. It could hurt the baby if he does accidently hits you in the stomach. You need to talk to his doctor about this if its been going on for a little. Maybe call around for family counsling. Always be persistent even if your tierd and never make threats for punishment your not planning to keep.

Answer 8

maybe there is more of an underlying problem than you think. he clearly has anger issue's (where did they come from?).Have you taken him to see a specialist for his behavior is this at daycare an/or school too? I don't 100% agree with your husband but caudling children will not produce anything more than frustration for yourself.Try and see if a clinical doctor feels there is more going on with him.He's only going to get bigger in size and age then they are worse to deal with.Good luck and make sure you follow through each and every time

Answer 9

One question....What are the consequences of the sisters' actions. My feeling is ignore the temper. Get to the bottom of the sisters' feelings of sibling rivalry. How old are they by the way? Also, don't let this stress you. He is picking up on your stress & that is adding to the problem. Dad & you need to agree to a line of action. If Dad wants to deal with it all of the time, he can criticize. If he just wants to sit back & say what you are doing wrong, then he needs to shut up & support you. You can quote me on that.

Answer 10

You should punish his sisters for picking on him like that, especially if it makes him mad and then you have to deal with it. Take away favorite toys from ALL of them..him when he is being angry, and them when they do this to him. Tell them that if they continue to do so they will lose TV for a week.