How to bond with a kid that is not yours?

Question

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months. He has a 3 yr old daughter with his ex gf. I really just want to know how to bond with this kid. I try to play with her, I feed her, bathe her...almost everything a real mom does. I just don't have a connection. My bf is worried and said that I don't treat his kid like my own. Well..I don't have kids. I don't know how I'm supposed to act. He said he wants what is best for his kid...and I agree. I just don't know how to be that person. Any advice? I'm really sad about this.

to add more info based on other answer:
That is what I told him...about getting too attached, and everyone ending up getting hurt if this doesn't work out. We've talked about a future together, and I guess we are just trying to build towards it. So, yes...I plan on a future with him...just want to make it work with him and his lil girl...and the rest of his family including his ex (we get along).

Answer 1

i really admire you for wanting to create a bond with a little girl. its hard especially when that child is not physically your. but positive relationships can only happen if time is invested. i presume that your bf has main custody of the child if you are doing stuff that a real mother does.
reinforce the positive stuff that the child does to her- i really like the way u colored that picture. you are making really good choices in your snack,

i must say reading time is a huge bondign experience- i tend to be the hard parent in my relationship but the one time my 2 year old sees me and bonds with me is over books and story time.
we literally spend an hour or two invested in each other's company before bed. we read books he picks ones he likes and i pick mine.
we then cuddle up in bed and tell each other stories or favourite things about our day.
he knows that book readign is important to me as he sees his parents reading when he is playign on the floor so he wants to be part of that. this way he joins the family connectivity and feels more part of the family than he is?
sounds weird but he doesnt feel its a them and me situation in the house,


I personally found it hard when my husband came with a package of older kids. i certainly wasnt their mother but if they were to have a positive relationship they would respect my house and rules when they were in it.

if you are willing to invest in this relationship then go for it- if its not the right relationship you can be friends with a kid and have fun!

Answer 2

You don't say how often she gets to see her mother. I think it's very confusing for a 3 y.o. to understand what's going on & why. 3 y.o.s are very sensitive to perceived abandonment. She might think she did something wrong & he & his ex are not doing enough to reassure her.

Your bf might be pushing you onto his daughter too much and the child might feel threatened about losing him too. She also may be jealous of his attention toward you which would also be a loss.

I agree with others, sounds like you're doing a great job. I think your bf is tooooo impatient. You've only been with him 8 months and how long has it been since you became "serious".
How is he as a dad... does He spend time with her & do things a "real" father does?

To tell you the truth, as I'm writing this I'm feeling angry at your bf. It makes me curious as to what made his gf an "ex".

I think these things just take more time & can't be rushed. It's a 2-way street.

Here's a pat on the back for you!

Answer 3

Just be yourself! You seem to be doing a great job! You don't have your own kids which makes it a bit more difficult, but luckily you were once a little girl too! Treat her the way you would have wanted someone to treat you in this situation. Do not overstep any boundaries, you don't want this little girl to feel like you are taking over her mom's role! That could be tough on a kid! Always remember, one day you will be a mom and would want your child to be in good hands no matter what, and that goes for every little kid! Especially one that may one day be your stepchild!!! You seem very mature and understanding, and I am sure your boyfriend's little girl adores you. Make sure you have a talk with your boyfriend and explain to him that he is important to you, and you are not looking to come bet. him and his daughter! That since you were never a mom, it will just take some time to bond and adjust. Slowly but surly his daughter will feel comfortable with you, she will not feel that you are taking her dad's attention away from her, and you will both have a better relationship. Your boyfriend will notice that and will be more at ease! I admire him for wanting what's best for his child! It shows that he has good character!!! Many men these days fall in love, neglect their kids etc... You have what seems like a good guy, just be yourself!!!

Answer 4

Tell him what you told us, and have him teach you how to be more relaxed around the little girl. Are you two asking too much too fast - of both you and the little girl?

You might want to try baking cookies - be prepared for a big mess that you will clean up when she is asleep.

(Also, I'm not sure why you should treat someone else's 3yo as your own. Are you and this man ready to make a lifetime committment? If not, treating the daughter like your own is premature and may harm her in the end. What if you two break up - do you just drop her from your life?)

Answer 5

Don't worry so much about the bonding. Do you enjoy spending time with the little girl, as opposed to just doing what you "should" be doing? Children can tell when an adult is having fun with them, and if the adult is comfortable. Do activities with the little girl that both of you can enjoy together. Doing silly stuff, goofy dances, "dress up" time, etc, can get you both giggling. Over time, the bond will form. It will most likely form quicker if you are less focused on it happening. Also, maybe spend some one-on-one time with the little girl. Allowing yourself to be happy and to have fun around the little girl will bring both of you closer. Good luck and enjoy!

Answer 6

It is hard when it is not your own child. My step-kids were teens when I met my husband. Take her with you when you go shopping, go together and get your nails done. I was a nanny for a little girl and her mom used to do this with her daughter at this age and she loved it. Read some books on the subject of step-parenting. Talk to some parents that have adopted a child. These people have an amazing ability to love a child that they did not give birth to. Just remember that her life was torn apart because her parents are not together so just comfort her. Let her sit on your lap and read together, tickle her. You have a good start.

Answer 7

Well, my parent's are divorced, and at first i had a hard time bonding with woman that were not my mom, and were dating my dad, but eventually he met a woman named Amy, i liked her that adsilute best, i think i like her the most because, she had alot in common with me, she makes me laugh, she gives me advice, and she made a huge inpacked on my life, she has been with my dad for 11 mos. she is just like a second mom to me, so just try my tips, and over all, try to relate some who (even though she's only 3), and tahts anther thing u have to remember she is three, so she my not react the way u want her to. good luck and i truly hope u make a friend ship with her that will last. :)

Answer 8

relax it takes time, go out to lunch just the two of you, keep doing what you are doing you might be trying too hard, don't try to be mommy you will never be mommy, tell your boyfriend he is making it more difficult all that added pressure, a relationship takes time any relationship, do not try to be that person, be you and only you and she will love you, if you do not have any children i do not know how your bf can say you do not treat her as your own, there is no basis for that comment , take her to the park just enjoy each other with no pressures, one day at a time

Answer 9

Don't beat yourself up over it and if you are trying that is all you can do right? Your boyfriend should be grateful that you are putting in this effort and trying to bond with his little girl.The connection isn't one way, his daughter needs to want this as bad you do.

Try asking her questions on what she is interested in, and engage her in them. If she is wild about horses maybe you two can go on a special trip with just you guys to a stable for some horse rides and to pet them. Try doing something with ehr thatis special just to the two of you to have time to bond on your own. Maybe go shopping if she enjoys that and ride on all the little rides at the mall and have some ice cream. Also explain to her that you are not trying to replace her mommy you just want to be her special friend. It will take time for the both of you to bond, it isn't going to come just because you are going through the motions of being a mom.

Answer 10

Ok, well you have to be yourself, dont try to be her friend but be her friend, easier said than done I know. Also, if you in any way resent this child then it does come out because its whats in your heart that shines through not your intentions, so just be yourself and love yourself.