Is it ok if your boyfriend is mean (e.g. insults you, repeatedly breaks up with you, etc...) to get his way?

Question

Let's say that you have been in a relationship for almost a year with someone you talk to online pretty much everyday, at least 6-20 hours/day... every chance you get. You text message eachother the rest of the time. In person, about a month, total.
You're living in City A, and he moves to Town B. You are very much attached to City A, have dozens of friends and family there, and because of the industry you work in, you make 3-9k/month, but only in City A. Because City A is a better location for you both, he says its ok to move back after you've spent 2 months living with him in Town B.
2 months, minimum, cause he feels that as the man, what he says goes. So despite the fact that you hate being away from the city, neither of you have any friends in Town B, have no money saved between the two of you, there's no furniture in his place yet, and you don't even plan to stay there...he demands you move in immediately.
Now he won't talk to you or continue dating until you're there in person

So far he's used name calling, and says you're a whore, (which he says stands until you've moved in). He's the only man you've ever slept with, and you are willing to move in with him, even to move all the way where he is, knowing you plan to come back in 2 months (if he actually means it when he says its okay to go back then.)

You're a really nice person, and you try to be obedient and make him happy but for months he's called you every name imaginable and says he won't apologize or take it back until you move in...

The only thing that you can't put up with about him is that he lies to/about you constantly. Not necessarily on purpose, but whether he means to or if its just that his memory is really awful... almost every time he talks to you, or about you to someone else, he says things that aren't true. He's even gotten in fights with you and used some conversation you two never actually had as reason to be angry and call you names.
...should you go and keep trying with him?

The catch is, you have visited him there, and you were happy together.

I just don't know if it is okay for things to be this messed up unless we are together... it's not like we have a super unbelievably great time together just the two of us, but I am happier with him and now with him not talking to me... it's horrible... I don't even know what else to do, I'm so used to talking to him for most of the day, it just feels empty.

Answer 1

It's not okay.

He's being unreasonable and irrational. He expects you to risk a good job so you can go live with him just for a couple of months? To me it sounds like he's looking for a submissive woman, and you're not cooperating, so he's putting pressure. Let's say you move, then what? If he's already pulling this "I'm the man, we do it my way" crap, he'll just get worse once you're in his space. He's looking to control you and this is his big power play.

You have a good job in a city you like, with friends and family around. You've already said things are better where you are for him too, so why is he pushing for the move? My guess is that he's trying to get you away from the support of your family and friends so you'll be totally dependent on him.

However you look at it, this is not a good sign. At the best he's just being petty and selfish. At worst he's trying to completely dominate you and your life. Time to move on girl, sorry to say.

Get out and meet people, you've got a good job evidently and seem intelligent from your lack of horrible spelling errors, so you shouldn't feel like you have to accept this kind of crap.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Hm. You must not be there then.
Yet you are safe.
So, sorry for whatever I did. Though I don't think I said anything worse than the 11 other people before me. All with whom I agree, as it were.

Here's how it goes, dollface:

*You're a catch, and you always will be, maybe he'll see that someday. Maybe he'll even see that soon, before you have gotten over him and the things everyone is saying sinks in. Maybe it will work out and this sort of thing will never happen again.
But look at what caused this. The only reason you fight is because you are separated, isn't that what he says? There's nothing separating you though. There isn't any outside force preventing him from being with you, it's his choice, and one he can't even defend logically.

And what does he get with you? He won't be able to get that question out of his head the next time he's with someone else. He can try to pretend he got nothing because you weren't there, but you were, and you could have been. You wanted to be, right? All he had to do was go a short length of time without acting hateful yet he would not. But I know exactly what he's going to be living with. Every little thing the next one does will make him think of how you would have done it. Every sentence she says will make him remember how you would have said it. He was the luckiest man in the world, and there wasn't a bloody thing stopping him from enjoying it except his own petty stubbornness.

Now he's just the stupidest man in the world and hopefully by the time he realizes that, you will have found someone more deserving and gotten over your own stubborness. Because the minute he realizes there isn't a woman out there who will let him have as much control as you, and how he's going to have to actually put forth some kind of effort just to keep them around, he's going to ask himself why he let you go, and regret it.

Answer 3

There isn't a way that doesn't leave Israel vulnerable in the future. For 60 years all the Palestinian folks have been taught is to hate. In fact I'd submit that it's not only the Palestinian folks but the broader Arabic community. They simply can't stomach the idea of an independent Jewish state. There is no way at this point to turn that around 6 generations of hatred. I have time and again been amazed at the overtures that Israel has attempted to make with their Arabic brothers Jews/Hebrews Semitic peoples...the Israelis get this and the Arabs don't or deny it. You haven't ever seen Hamas in particular say we want peace have you? They monger war and spawn hatred...PEACE!

Answer 4

First of all, if you 'repeatedly' find the word 'repeatedly' in your life questions, WAKE UP! You are probably banging your head against the wall & wondering why your head hurts.
Sooo, get your head out of Town - whether that be Town B or Town A, & girl find yourself a bigger better pond to fish in -- in the real world - a place in the sun that you feel, see, touch - a place that feeds back to you as much as you put into it. Dont stay stuck in what only will drain you of all you got to give. You need this guy - uh huh- yeah, like a junkie needs her heroin... Wanna crawl into a dark hole & die for it? Or do you wanna let go of it and LIVE?

Answer 5

tell him that you have your own mind and ways of thinking and that you know living there with nothing will make things worse,so you guess you will see him later. he doesnt want you to have the friends and a place to be while hes doing without. he chose to go there so let him have nothing. NEVER let a man tell you what to do or how to do it. you have your own mind and means to live. im married and my husband would never try to do that or it would be over. he sounds like a control freak. let him find someone else to go without anything and you stay and be happy with friends and a life.

Answer 6

tell the man to take a hike. He is a child throwing tantrums to get his way.
Forcing you to give up your life to be with him is not good. A vist of a week should be enough at that stage. This man does not know how to compromise and until he can he cannot be in a real relationship
A relationship is about communication and compromise

Answer 7

listen to your heart first of all, i have a feeling its tell you to forget about him because you wouldnt be asking this question if you didnt feel that way, and realize if you 2 never broke up you probably would have never met your true love your future husband. Remember there's a whole lot a guys looking for a good girl like you.

Answer 8

Self respect is an important issue here. You are being blackmailed emotionally and that in turn will cause resentment. Get rid of him, teach yourself that you're better than that

Answer 9

If he is insulting you to get his way, then he has no respect for you. Why would you want to belittle youself and continue dating him? How about telling him to hit the road and enjoy "dating other people"? There are plenty of other guys out there.

Answer 10

Its never good to degrade or humiliate someone to get your way. Your boyfriend seems like a selfish immature jerk. Dump him and find someone in City A.