Is it wrong to walk away from a family member on their death bed?

Question

My father is dying, he is 73. I am the youngest of his sons, I am 36. He has probably less than 4 months left. I have not spoken to him or my step mother in years, we had a falling out, in which he said he never wanted to see me again.

I stayed away, moved, did not contact or stick my hand out at Christmas or anything, I broke clean and declared him dead then.

He got prostate cancer since then, it spread into his bones, liver, ect.

My stepmother went to my old roommates house, he called me, put her on the phone and she tried to guilt trip me, I told her i would not come and they both had made this choice and hung up.

I feel i made the right choice, knowing what my father has done in the past and what a hypocrite he is, I dont believe me going to his death bed would be a healthy thing for me.

I am catching flack for this choice from family members, so i am asking for opinions.

Thanks

Thanks to those of you who responded.

I know that death is forever, and i also have gone through death with my mother, so i know.

I've decided after a lot of thought, to not see him and just go on with my life, my brothers are upset because they think he can not die in peace, but i think he can, and its not my problem if he doesn't die in peace.

I was going to send him a letter that basically said go in peace, i wont be coming. but my brothers told me not too because it won't help, so my father will have no word from me.

Any way thank you to those that responded.

Answer 1

I would probably go there just for 5 minutes to say goodbye, regardless of the past.

Answer 2

I lost my Dad to cancer of the liver about 15 years ago. I went home to basically nurse him to his death (for 4 months). My relationship with my family at that time was no where near as bad as in your situation, but it was not great either. The entire time I was there the family was fighting over money and other stupid stuff and they were a mess. It was not a pretty situation.
During the last months I was able to talk to my Father and apologize to him for all the terrible things I had done to him as a teenager. He forgave me and told me that those were stupid things and they are in the past.
When people are dying their thinking becomes different and so do their hearts. He may be wanting a chance to apologize to you or just to get on somewhat copacetic terms with you so he can pass peacefully without those burdens on his heart.
I would not be the same person I am today if I had not gotten the chance to talk with him about these things before he died. I could not have carried the guilt of never saying I was sorry and making my peace with him.
I think you should drop your pride and at least go talk to him so that you both can have some closure. Closure is very important to both persons. It enables us to more freely move on and past these things.
The worst that can happen is that you still disagree but you can at least know in your heart that you gave it a try. I think that would be eminently easier to sleep with at the end of the day than to never have tried to make peace at all.
Please go see him for at least one more time. Even pray for him. It will bring you peace in the long run. If you don't do it you may find yourself regretting some day that you did not go to him and it will be too late to take it back or ever do it again.
That's just my opinion. I hope that you are able to find that closure with him and that you last memories of him are more kind than otherwise. Take Care!

Answer 3

My dad was a tough person to get along with. I got along with him pretty well and my oldest sister did, too. But he would have 'falling out' periods with my other three siblings from time to time.

He had nearly the exact same thing, prostate cancer that spread. He was given two months and went to a hospice. He wound up living almost four months, and that time gave both my father and my siblings the opportunity to mend fences.

I believe that your father probably has a lot of regrets. I would give him a chance, and give yourself a chance. Keep an open mind and don't go there expecting everything to be perfect. Perhaps nothing at all has changed, but you won't know until you try. At least you can say you tried. If you don't make the attempt, I think you will come to regret it later on, and it will be too late to try then.

Good luck.

Answer 4

As a Chaplain, I have seen family ties broken and some repaired during times such as yours.
At the death bed, so many things can happen. People find faith in God, make amends for past wrongs, reach out to past friendships, in other words, they are trying to repair their lives. Others just shut out the world. Putting a guilt trip on you is just plain wrong. Your family knows of the rift between you and your father. You made a very hard decision years ago. A bit of advice, if as time goes by, you feel you need to say something, and yet going to the hospital as you have stated is unhealthy for you, give that message to someone you trust. A pastor, the hospital chaplain, a friend. We live and die with decisions we make. Some folks don't get the fact that it takes 2 to cause a rift. Death makes families go a bit nuts. Rightfully so, however staying true to your own heart is very important. Best Wishes, Chaplain Debby

Answer 5

My husband went through the same type of thing. He walked away from his dad, and a few years later, his dad passed. He never got the chance to even see if he could put the past behind him. He now lives with the regret of not knowing if the relationship could even be mended. He tells me all the time that if he went back for only one minute, then he would have known. The uncertianty of the whole situation haunts him. Did his dad die hating him, or did he die loving him? He will never know, but you have the chance to find out. If you go, and it doesn't work, at least you will know for sure. A terminal issue such as cancer puts a lot of things in perspective. He might want to see you to let bigones be bigones. If you are worried about this at all try a phone call. If he wants to talk to you let him tell you. that is the easiest way to test the waters. Many times a phone conversation is easier that a face to face talk. If that goes well then go see him. Please make sure you know how he feels and then you will have the peace of knowing. Don't let his wife influence your decision at all. you can work on that at a later date. Don't talk to him through her, but at least call him. the regret you will feel if you dont will haunt you as it has done my husband.

Answer 6

I suggest that you go see him. Either now or never because when he is dead you will miss him. You may hate him now but that doesn't give you a reason to not say goodbye. Even if it is a little time, then maybe you can tell him goodbye and that you care about him. You have only one true father that you have known in you life, while some people had no father at all Take me for example, I have no idea whether or not he is alive. So say goodbye while you can because you shall feel guilty later

Answer 7

I know that u had a falling out with him and u have ur reasons 4 being angry with him. But maybe u should just go and c him once. Make sure u tell ur family that there are not going to be any strings attached. Just go u can even wait till he is sleeping to c him. I'm not saying forget everything that has happened in the past and forgive him. But even though u have declared him dead in ur life u must be feeling something since u r asking this question? I'm not saying it is remorse. But he is ur father u only have one dad. Think about it.

Answer 8

You need to do what will be best for YOU! If you think that in the future you might feel guilty for not saying goodbye and having closure then by all means go. If you are merely going out of being guilted then don't go. Your family members don't know all the stuff about the relationship that you do so they can't make this decision for you. I would probably at least call and say goodbye or send a card. You don't want to wake up in 10 years and wish you had said some sort of goodbye.

Answer 9

You're right, bro. It won't do you any good.

The only thing you can ask yourself is if you feel any desire or need to do it for your father. (Much different than doing it for yourself.)

Also ask yourself if you need to go in order to support someone else who you care about. Is there a sibling who could use your support even if it means seeing the old man briefly? It might be worth doing if you're easing the burden for someone dear to you.

The other thing to consider is that once your father is dead you'll have no more chances to talk to him. Be willing to accept those consequences if you don't go.

I bring up these reasons to consider not to put pressure on you to go, but for you to make sure that you're reason to stay away isn't regretted later.

In all honesty, I've had to make similar decisions for several family member of mine. In the end I didn't go to one's death bed and I never regretted it. For the other I went to support those dealing with the crisis and not for the SOB who's job it was to simply die. With that one I was happy at the end that I went.

Answer 10

Yikes. I will just give my opinion on this. I think that if your father said that he never wanted to see you again while he was more healthy that was a bad move on his part. But I think it all boils down to the relationship that you have/had with your pops. If he was always an evil bastard towards you and treated you like **** than quite frankly I don't think you should go see him. But if something major happened that caused this falling out maybe it's time to forgive and forget and be with your father in his last moments. You may regret it who knows. As previously stated this is just my humble opinion.

Answer 11

That is a very tough question. Only you can decide what to do. Don't let someone guilt you into doing something that you do not want to do. However, the experience may give you some sort of closure. You need to really sit down and think about it without involving anyones opinion. Ask yourself if this is someone you really want to see again.