What the heck is wrong with my MAN? Please diagnose?

Question

My 36-year old bf vanishes w/o a trace every few weeks, then always contacts me again. He has admitted to depression issues but never goes into detail. He is the silent type, very quiet, few friends, hates holidays, social gatherings, smokes weed daily, obsessed with skating, hates pretty much everybody and everything. Always pissed at something or the other, some days he is happy and not pissed, very rare tho, obsessed with sex.

Me: 27 years old, missing him since he moved to Cali for work 2 months ago, love him but getting fed up with his vanishing acts. Got tipsy from wine, texted him I am done with his push n pull and want an answer either way if he wants to be in this relationship or not (i am supposed to move to him at the end of January). No response from him. I apologized via voicemail the next day about my rudeness but that I meant what i said. No response. Been 14 days since I last heard from him.

UPDATE: Last night I emailed him and asked is he is planning to never speak to me again and he replied very quickly:

"I am not ignoring you, I thought you are angry at me"

He has not called me yet.

Answer 1

Whoa! This guy is WAY more trouble than he is worth. I've heard of "fixer-uppers," but this one sounds unsalvagable! He is obviously not interested in being saved from his shabby, depressing life. Cut him loose and move on! You are too bright to be wasting your time like this. You deserve better!!

Answer 2

You are wasteing your time. Your getting older and he's getting older and while you're both still young, you're getting older and he's acting like a bratty teenage boy who is still growing up, which is sad because he's 36 and should be far, far, far past that point in his life. He sounds very unpleasant and he has no friends because he hates everyone and I bet everyone doesn't like him much ether. Why would you want to be someone so negative and immature and who makes you feel like this? Look the fact that you are even asking a bunch of strangers on a website about your boyfriend, says a lot. No person is perfect, but your boyfriend sounds like an immature douche who treats you like crap and yes, ignoring you for weeks, disappearing for days without even the slightest consideration for your feelings, hateing everyting or everyone you love, is emotional abuse. He has no right to do that to you, and frankly, anyone who does that stuff is not really wanting to be a relationship nor are they ready for one. Honestly, it sounds like he's still dateing you just for the sex...because he really did care for you, if he really did love you, he would have consideration for you and respect and he would not disappear or ignore you, because people who love and respect and care for each other DO NOT do that, they wouldn't want to. Don't follow him to Cali, you'll be unhappy and why should you uproot your life for a man who acts like a 15 year old boy that doesn't give a **** whether you are at home worrying about him or not, when he leaves. Plus often, men who do that stuff are usually cheating on the person they're with. Be a mature, independant woman and leave him. You don't need it, and don't follow him around like some love sick 12 year old. You can do better and you deserve better. He has issues and let him solve his own issues, while you move on and live your life and be with a man who DOESN'T leave you like that, who does love holidays and people and who respects you and your feelings.

Answer 3

Are you sure weed is all he is doing? He could be disappearing because he is off on a bender of sorts..

it does sound like he's cheating on you though. Indeed if he that into sex, but but not trying at every chance, then he getting it else where.

Sex is one of those things - the more you do it, the more you want it.

Form your description it sounds like you could do a lot better.

Also, do you smoke weed? If you don't than he may be struggling with trying to have the best of both worlds. I say this as I am toker and a Cig - smoker. I've dated women that like one and not the other. It ALWAYS caused problems. So i had to find a woman who was cool with both. Think long and hard about that one. Maybe you just to smoke a J with the guy.....Good Luck

Answer 4

There may be a few issues at hand. He may be suffering an inferiority complex; blase' bordom with his life...and because of his age and his current activities may have entered some sort of midlife crisis. It seems as though he may have a self-induced bipolar disorder, brought about by his marijuana usage - but I am no psychologist or psychiatrist.

Your situation reminds me of the Stevie Nicks song:

Stop Draggin' My Heart Around.

I'm sure that didn't make you feel any better.

Just remember that his behavior is not your own fault.

Perhaps he will settle down after a while.

As much as it hurts, your best interest may be to move on.

If you decide to take this path, send him one more e-mail telling him that you love him, but you may have no other option but to move on. Wait a bit. Just don't waste your life - it is short.

CN.

Answer 5

Take it from me, someone who has moved to another state for a man, DON'T DO IT! The problems will only get worse. He sounds like he needs therapy, and you possibly do as well, you have a very co-dependent relationship, not healthy for either of you. You're 27, don't waste your time on men with nothing to offer. The purpose of a relationship is to extend the better part of ourselves and share that with someone so I ask you, does he bring out the best in you? Does he share his best with you? What are you getting out of this? Judging from what you said, it's not a positive situation.

Move on darling. Easier said than done I know, but think about yourself, make a mental note of things you don't want out of a relationship, and find someone that fits the criteria.

Good luck!

Answer 6

Him saying he thought you were mad at him sounds like an admission of some type of guilt. Was this normal behavior for him before you started dating him? Do you think he is cheating? It sounds like he has some kind of compulsive disorder along with other things and he might be taking off to do whatever it is that he is obsessing on whether it is sex, drugs, gambling. He definately has a problem, this isn't normal behavior for a 36 year old man.

I myself would not put up with the disappearing acts, your relationship doesn't seem to be a strong one anyway. I say dump his butt.

Answer 7

Sad Girl, don't be silly !Move on with your life!Why wait ! you are wasting yr time. "Charming Gentleman" recommended me a bk "He's just not that into you", It's interesting! If I would have read this bk then I won't not have waste so many years with my b-friend.
My ex-b friend have all the signs and syptoms that you've mentioned, he is very quiet(if he didn't speak) you rarely sense his exitences,and only choses to speak to selectively females that he feel worth speaking to,only one close friend(snooker pal),obsessed with glamber/liquer ,always unhappy and pulled a long face(as if everybody owe him $), all the excuses ...busy ,meeting, work etc....always keep you waiting for ages
only hobby :$ and Sex
Dear girl, pls give up on him! you #Deserved someone better, trust me ! it's a very unpleasant experience !
Ask yourself this questions:-
1) Do you want /need a partner that hate meeting your friend and family (you say that he's anti social).
2)Security is very impt. for a woman, do you have any sense of "SECURITY" when you are with him ? I wondered when you need him, when is he ?
3)Are you "HAPPY" ??? in this relationship ?
If that man really adores/love you, they will not keep you waiting for 14 days . unless, some unforseen accidents happened e.g. he landed in an island with no telecommunication or he is in a coma. otherwise, there is no good reason to explain why did he disappear for 14 days.
Today ,you've waited 14 days ,it may escalate to months....
Imagine, if you're married to him and got pregnant and there goes him again in disappearing act for months or maybe years...how're you going to explained to your kid who and where is their dad?
maybe, he can come up with stupid lame excuse like need some space , meeting with friends (when u know he doesn't have much friend).but you didn't want to make him lose face. You think you're being nice and understanding, in fact, it's a kind of "abuse", he's taking advantage of your gd nature.
4)Ask yourself,if he's is like what you describe,besides(bg relationship), what did you see in him ?
Obviously, he is a man with a "Immature mind", selfish and self-centred , from the way he treats you.It shows he doesn't care ! He choses when and where at his convenience to return your call, not to mentioned """NO INITIATIVE''''''' to call you from time to time to show any TLC.
Follow your heart,trust your woman(six sense),when u sense somethings wrong,uneasy talk it out.
Sad Girl will no longer be Sad Girl,
We all want you to be a 'HAPPY GIRL"
Let go ----
Dump him for ----- a prospective Future B-friend !---

Answer 8

hate to break it down like this, but have you heard of the book called "he's just not into you" He really isn't. You are still young and you deserve someone who is always around thru thick or thin, and not vanish like this. By nature, men like to chase. Yours isn't because you are. Stop the cycle. Definitely don't move in with him. Move on. There are good men out there. You will be happier, much much happier... Oh and usually the "quiet" ones turn out to be knuckleheads. But that's been my experience.

Answer 9

He knows he has control of the relationship and he, being in a new place with new friends, is probably out having fun. Doesn't mean he doesn't care about you but throwing down threats is not going to make him care more.

You need to gain back the control. Don't contact him again and be patient. Don't explain yourself. Just disappear. If he cares about you, he will come looking. Don't be available. Don't cave to his first contact either. Wait for the 2nd.... you are too busy and happy to be jumping when he says how high.

Men don't like to "Talk" you should know that by now... especially the way you described him. Let him chase you, tell him very little... if he cares it will drive him crazy.

Trust me.

Answer 10

Not to be rude but would you really be content with a person with so many issues? Seems like too much drama. Certainly there are more stable men out there. He also seems to be a bit on the controlling side and you feel guilt? Move on and up.