Is it wrong to cut your bonds from relatives?

Question

I got relatives who live in my area and far away. My mom's side all live in the same state as I do, my dad's is in 2 other different states and others at New Zealand.

I've been wronged by my mom's siblings, her uncle, and her mom (grandma). I have forgiven them I guess but I have never forgotten what they have done or what they are. My dad's side cousins are a bunch of shallow cocky snobs, I don't ever want to get on the plane to visit them.

One day if I ever become successful and prove them all wrong then I will permanently cut our bonds, meaning they will no longer be my cousins, uncles, aunts, and whatever. I'm still thinking about this meaning I do have a heart unlike them. What do you think?

Thanks for reading.

Answer 1

"Wrong" is such a harsh term. There are at least two sides to cutting bonds and I think you know them, but let me share what I've found.

One the one side, NO, it is not wrong to sever ties with people who hurt you, hurt the ones you love, don't value you, mistreat or judge you. It is not wrong to put distance between you and people who you are connected to only by the whims of fate and not by choice when they do not act as family are supposed to: nurturing, encouraging, helping you to grow fully into the man or woman you were created to be and thrive!

On the other side, YES, we lose something irreplaceable when we cut off all ties to family.

I encourage you to 1) live your life as you choose to --not to prove anybody wrong. For one thing they won't care, no matter how successful you are, they won't ever change. We can only change ourselves. No one ever says, "oh look how great they have become, I guess we were wrong about them." No, people who put you down and stomp on you now will continue to stomp on you when you're successful--they will always be able to find fault in what you do. Therefore, do not live for them, for their (nonexistent) approval. Live for you!

2) Do not be the one who says, "You're out of my life." That makes you the bad guy. Find interests and activities that take you into circles where they aren't. In other words, make the distance without making the break. Let them fade away, as you move into areas where they are not. The times you get together as family (if ever) you can hold your tongue and protect your heart by not "sharing" with them the successes you've gained by not following in their petty ways. Smile and know you'll soon be so past them!

Nothing you say or do will ever change the biological facts, but that doesn't mean you have to trust them with a minute of your life. Don't let their ugliness color your life.

Answer 2

It is perfectly fine to cut people out of your life who don't bring you joy and who are stuck in a rut that drags you down. But then you have this whole thing going... if I ever become successful then..... no dude, totally wrong thinking there. You only cut them loose if you feel like you can only free yourself if you can rub it in their faces? Wrong way of thinking all the way around. Either get past it and get over it here and now, whether or not that means physically distancing yourself, or not. There is no 'If I can make them hurt, then I'll do it' stuff. Forget about hurting them, it will only drive you down and will not be satisfying in the end. Just live your life now. Everybody has their own things they go through, let them have their experience and you have yours. You have neither forgiven nor forgotten because it is clear you are still caught up in the soap opera of it. Let it go.

Answer 3

I know exactly how you feel. I have someone in my family who I really dislike. She's a *****. She comes to my house unannounced at random times to eat our food. She says she wants to see her dad but its BS. When she comes in immediately she goes to the refrigerator. She thinks she is so perfect. She thinks shes pretty (shes ugly) hot (so not) and is very conceited. She never changes clothes and is very dirty. In fact i think the only time she takes a shower and changes clothes is when she goes to church. She's stuck in her 20s. Oh and she also spends like 50 bucks of our money every time she comes here. I obviously dont want her here but my gramps is an Asshole idiot. He thinks that she actually comes to see him. She takes advantage of my parents by taking our money. She is very dependent on my dad. Oh and shes 36. She ruined my middle school years because she took the money that my parents were gonna buy me nice things with for herself. She thinks she is very independent because she has a studio the size of my room. I think she's living off of my dad. She isnt married and its obvious why. I basically dislike almost all of my father's side. And you know what really sucks? We put her through college and you would think that she has a good job right? Shes a ******* waitress. We wasted all that money so she can be a waitress. Shes lazy and possibly mentally unstable. Thats who i want to cut bonds with as soon as i become rich and move my parents into a house. My house. No bitches allowed.

Answer 4

I think you can,
because we do not chooseour families
and I have almost the same relationship with my "new" relatives... (stepfamily)
and you always talk about youself becoming successful...
you must be have good plans for the future...huh?
I am the same way
but for now, I try to stay the best person I can be
because in the future, when I will be successful-
I will be proud to say that I kept my fate throughout all the bad things, and people who tried to bring me down
I will have right to say that
because they did, and I was better than them,
I did not answer them by doing bad things myself.......

Answer 5

It's unfortunate when relative treat relatives badly. However, there is no moral law that says you have to hang out with people who don't support you, even if they are relatives.

The unfortunate part about relatives is that you will unfortunately, have to mingle with them occasionally at weddings, funerals, etc. Most people can remain pleasant for an hour or two.

I don't think you need to make a public case about not visiting the relatives you don't like, just don't do it.

Answer 6

I have family that I have "cut" from my life for one reason or another. This is how I rationalize it, life is too short and you need to keep people in your life and around you that bring something good to your life and vice versa - if someone brings negativity, anger, anxiety, keep them at arms length. on the other hand, not knowing what they did to you, it can be a lonely world without family. if you're holding a grudge that maybe you shouldn't waste the energy on, let it go and keep if friendly with them, christmas cards, etc... a phone call 2x a year.

Answer 7

I feel like that too. As of now I am moving out of my parent's home with a crappy job trying to make it on my own. After I move out I told them I am never ever going to come back. I'm gonna dissapear and they'll never ever see me again. I will have no family or friends. Everything I have will be from my hands. I'll watch my own back and take care of myself.

Answer 8

The purpose of having people in your life is for the emotional well being of knowing you have people you can count on and trust when you need them. If your family doesn't offer that, then they are not helping you, and you should cut your ties. It is that simple. Good luck!

Answer 9

No problem. Just be gracious and polite when you see them and develop your own life. There is no law saying you have to see them after you are on your own.

Answer 10

To cut your bonds with relatives is advised.