Mending a broken relationship.?

Question

My daughter and I just can't seem to be able to sit in a room without arguing. She's 20 and I'm 45. It's coming to the point that I'm exhausted even trying to have a relationship with her. She's disrespectful, calls me by my first name, and the only thing she wants from me is money. Any advice?

Answer 1

Cut the apron string and relaize that sometimes it wont work. My Mom and I are oil and water, I just started talking to her after 6 months of no conversations, but were not BF and we wont be. Pushing and trying is not going to help, let her struggle and when she grows up a little she will have more respect for you, I know I do for my Mom now.

Answer 2

That was the age I had the most trouble understanding my new role as the mother of a now adult. I really had to come to grip with the changes in my roles, and it wasn't easy.

You know the first thing you need to do is stop trying to be her adult friend. That's what is tripping you up with the respect thing. My guess is that you think you can interact with her as an adult and then get offended when she doesn't "respect" who you are and your authority over her. That was the problem I encountered, any authority I thought I had, really was an illusion and brought on when they needed something.

I suggest what worked for me. Decide what you want. If you want a daughter who can stand on her own two feet, then you have to let her make her own mistakes. If you want respect, then be her mother, not her friend. If having a relationship with her exhaustes you, then back off and hold her at arms length. If she calls you by your first name, tell her that you are her mother, not her friend and she uses "mom" or you cut off her money. Then do it.

The reality is that if you have raised her right(and I'm betting you have), all she really does need from you is money. She's playing at being an adult, and you are her safety net. If she treated an employer like that, she'd be losing that job(and you know that).

You can confront her, tell her what behaviors are going to change and the consequences if she doesn't. Then be consistant and do what you say you will. Let her fall on her face, its really good for her. Let go of her childhood, you are now in a different phase of mothering. No one ever tells us about this, and we wind up with adult children acting worse than they did when they were kids and trying to manipulate the relationship in their favor all the while we have to deal with getting older, the kids growing up, and maybe menopause(I did).

The good news is that this phase won't last very long. By the time she's in her mid 20's, she will have the "awakening" as I like to call it. Somewhere it will click in her brain that you aren't going to be around forever and you worked your butt off for her best interest. She will become grateful and you will be back to "goddess like" status as you were when she was 3. Then you can enjoy your daughter and sit back and congradulate yourself for a job well done.

Just keep telling yourself that this is a phase, and set the rules and stick to them. Best wishes from a mom who's been there and survived.

Answer 3

Hey,
I know right where you are. In any relationship, if it is toxic, then you should not subject yourself to it. Life is simply too short for that.
Just because you say you're not going to put up with bad behavior from your daughter, this should not equal in your mind you being a bad mother, as that would not be true.
It actually means you're a good one setting boundaries for a disrespectful kid.
Also, just because two people happen to be related, that doesn't automatically mean or require you to be compatible or to have respect for someone.
You need to stand up for yourself, let her know you are not going to deal with her any longer until she matures into a reasonable adult, and please, please, definitely do not give her any money. Her behavior doesn't warrant this. Spoiled brats always abuse their providers, but then turn on the charm to get what they want whenever they want. It is a learned pattern, so hard to break.
Remember, if a relationship is toxic, jettison it. Please take care, but remember, if you're the only one in the relationship trying to make it better, it's never going to improve, no matter what you say or try. You're beating your head up against a wall. Good luck.

Answer 4

if your daughter cant talk to you, without making you angry, then assume that the problem is with you. Not her. Take time and think, what exactly she wants. Iam sure that she is expressing her irritation on other matters, by fighting with you. If you are sure that she wont answer you , if you enquire about what is troubling her, just leave her alone. Even if you see something , your own daughter should never do! Dont pester her. Trust her, that she wont do anything bad, afterall you have brought her up. Then gradually when she is in talking terms with you, bring the matter of money. till then try not to make scenes , especially with 20 year olds..

Answer 5

She actually wants more from you than money. She wants your respect and she wants to know that you believe in her. Is it a big deal that she calls you by your first name? She does it because she gets a reaction out of you.

Often when mother's and daughters experience friction, it's because the similarities are so great that they can't see them. Think about what it is about her that bothers you. Then look deep inside. I suspect you'll see a mirror there. Your daughter is reacting to what she sees in you and I suspect it's the same thing you see in her.

You want her to respect you. Do you show her respect? Do you listen to what she says? Do you help her see the good in her? Or do you nag and tell her what to do? She's your daughter but she's also becoming an adult. She needs your guidance but she also needs to make her own mistakes. When she makes mistakes, and she will, she needs to know that you'll be there for her to help her understand why things went wrong and how to do things better going forward. She doesn't need to hear "I told you so."

This can be fixed and it may be easier than you think. It will take you adjusting your point of view. She doesn't hate you. She wants you to love her. You do love her but she can't see that yet. Sometimes you have to say no in order for them to learn. If the issue is money, tell her it's time for her to help herself. Don't freely hand out money. Make suggestions on how she can make her own money or better manage the money she does have. Don't expect her to agree with you. She'll probably be mad at you for saying no. Force her to start doing for herself.

Once she gets a taste of reality, she'll start to appreciate all you do. Don't argue with her. The hardest part will be detaching emotionally. But she has to see that she can't get to you anymore. If you're able to be consistant with this change in your behavior, you may start to see a change in hers. Always be supportive, let her know you are willing to listen and make suggestions on how she can help herself but don't do it for her anymore. She's 20 and wants to be treated as an adult. It's time to start teaching her the realities of adulthood. Best of luck to you.

Answer 6

I think you may need to "separate" for a while--your daughter is not a baby and she needs to grow up---she is showing you so much disrespect ---dont support her or let her live under your roof until she agrees to show respect to you. You and and your daughter need to sit down, talk calmly and just get it out what the both of you want from each other.....do you love each other? fighting is getting us nowhere.....how can we have a relationship and stop hurting each other?

Both of you need to admit mistakes and heal. Some time away from each other and maybe with the help of some outside help may be a new beginning.

Answer 7

have a heart to heart talk with her. it's called a generation gap..

make recreations together like going to the spa or go shopping with her...

you can't be exhausted form having a relationship with her, she is your daughter, dear!!!

Hope you fix things over.. Good luck! ^.^