Is it being selfish NOT to want to have any kids, bcause.......?

Question

First of all, I am a bachelor, so this is a hypothetical question, but:

Most people say that they don't want kids, because they are too expensive.

But my #1 reason for not wanting to have kids is because:

There is no guarentee that my child would be born heatthy. I don't deny that science has made great advances in preventing specific conditions, BUT-There is no guarentee that my child will be born healthy.

Now many people would say that this is just being selfish, but I KNOW that I do NOT have what it takes to bring up a disabled child! That is why, (IF) I ever get married, I would never want to have kids!

I am NOT knocking those who ARE raising disabled kids-I have nothing but the greatest admration for you-it's just that I don't have what it takes-THAT is why I would never have kids.

Am I being selfish, or just honest?

If it IS being selfish, How is it being selfish. Please explain.

AV-perfect? No.

Healthy-Yes.

Answer 1

I don't think it's selfish at all. When you have a child born with a disability of any type you go through so many emotions and ultimately blame yourself for their problems. Even when you know it's just one of those things the doubts and blame are still there.

Also, the additional stress having a child with a disability puts on your emotional and physical well being is tremendous. It also effects your relationships. My husband's oldest child (he has two from a previous marriage) is autistic and he blames himself every day for it. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "If only...." from him. When we became pregnant with our now 16-month-old son, he actually asked me to abort he was so scared that this child would also have issues. There's still a chance that this child could be autistic but the likelyhood is less than 1%.

You're the only person who can decide if you want to chance having a child, healthy or with disabilities. You're absolutely correct in saying that there are no guarantees that your baby will be healthy. With our oldest son, his autism didn't manifest itself until he was two. No one should pressure you into making a decision you don't feel comfortable with. I will tell you that your love doesn't change for your child when they're diagnosed. You do adjust. Yes, there are days when you have yourself a good cry behind closed doors or wonder what your life would be like if things were different but then you go back out there and try to do the best you can for your child... healthy or not!

One of these days you may find a lady who makes you think that having a family and taking the chance is worth it. Don't discount the idea yet. But if you decide not to try, it's ok.

Answer 2

Not selfish at all. At least you know what you want and have thought seriously about the consequences. That's really good. Congratulations for being one of the few people in this world with an actual thought of your own, free from the influence of the opinion of the majority! Woo-hoo!!!!!!

I have one son. But I also got my tubes tied one month after I turned 21 to guarantee that I will not have any more children. Guaranteed because it was a miracle I got pregnant in the first place, according to the drs I shouldn't really be able to have kids. But the point is, I know that I definitely do not want any more and I am perfectly happy with just one. I get s*** all the time from people with multiple children. "You are just too young! What if someday you do want more!" Well, in that case, I can adopt. Although the chances of that are very slim.

Anyway, no, you are not selfish in the least for thinking ahead. If you know you were not born to be a wonderful parent and you have thought ahead on all the what-ifs, GOOD FOR YOU! You're way above all the hypocrits who call you selfish, and then use condoms themselves.

Answer 3

Honestly don't know the answer to your question....My father raised a special needs child(me i h ave Spina Bifida)...i should say he fathered and somewhat supported me but that's another issue all together. Anyways, as you are still a bachelor, so most likely you are young...you perhaps aren't as mature as you will be when you have to make this decision. Children are a gift from God, whether or not they have a disability. IF you are put in a position that a girlfriend or wife becomes pregnant...your a dad....you will hold that child in your arms and everything will change. You will love that child and want the best for them, no mater what it may be.

The only way its selfish to have children is if you are already a selfish person by nature and you will not love your child as it deserves and try your hardest to do what you can to be the best you can for them. If you will do more harm then good for them, yourself and society is the only way you can be selfish.

It is a personal decision to have a child or not, however don't close the window quite yet. All children are wonderful, and children have a way about them to make you a better person.

Answer 4

I believe you are being very honest.
You don't HAVE to have kids, I know a couple who are now 50-60 in their ages and they never had children.

Whereas I am only 26 and I have 5. I do agree, raising a disabled child would be very difficult, but having a disabled child isn't the end of the world and there isn't much of a chance your child will have a disability aswell.

My bestfriend has a disabled daughter, she suffers from MS. She is very cute, and sometimes easier to handle than my children! I admire my bestfriend so much, she is an ispiration and so are many other parents for bringing their beautiful children into the world, whether disabled or not.

But then again, like I said. It's your choice.

Answer 5

No its not selfish. Unless you get involved and dont let the woman know how you feel.

I know you say you dont have what it takes but, I would bet you do. If you had a child, the first time you saw their little face nothing would matter you would fall hopelessly in love with the child. Even if there was something wrong.

But as for being selfish , no its not . There are too many people that have children, that shouldnt have had any at all. They are too selfish and self absorbed to see the childs needs MUST come before their wants or needs for that matter.

Im glad your being honest with yourself and not having unwanted children. But as a mom, I would be very sad if my son didnt want any and i would never have grand children from him....... However I would respect his decission.

Answer 6

I don't think you're being selfish, I think you're being honest. I have to say that I had the same opinion. But I have three children, and my third was born with congenital hypothyroidism. Now this isn't any sort of disability, all she needs is a pill everyday and she's fine. But when I had her I realized something... Having a child with a disability would be taxing, at times upsetting, emotionally draining.. a great number of things... but it would be my child. And I would overcome these things for my child. What I'm saying is that, I used to think that if I had a child with special needs I would give it up because I didn't want the responsibility (yes I did think like that, but I'm over it now), but after my first child I realized that I'd walk through fire for my children, because they are who they are and who they've always been. Does that make sense?
Well, in any case I don't think you're being selfish, and as long as you continue to not father a child that you're not willing to care for you're doing just fine. But if you ever do become a parent don't despair. I think you'd surprise yourself.

Answer 7

You make good points but there are other things to consider rather than having a diabled child you cannot provide for, the child is a product of your love you have for your wife and her for you , your child is something that can never be taken away , you can be there for him or her you have given this world life, and they will only repay you with the most utter love you will ever feel. (the occasional teen issues haha)


Your not selfish dont let anyone ever tell you that , i have 2 aunties who are married but have no children and are in their fourties , they are not selfish they just prioritise what they think in life is the most important and are the happiest cheerful people and are not selfish.

Although , would you like your family name to be carried along?

Anyhoo , in conclusion your being honest not selfish great topic question!

Answer 8

You are being honest and if that is the way you feel then that's your choice. Trying to find a woman who didn't want kids as well might be a challenge though. I hope that the children I have aren't born with a disability as well but in the long run I would still love then no matter what.

Answer 9

First of all, you don't really know what you can do until you have to do it. A lot of people don't want to be parents, it seems like men more than women, but I've seen it in both sexes. Generally speaking, though, it will be a source of conflict in a relationship. Most women WANT children. So if you don't want kids you're also making a long term relationship difficult to attain. Some women will even start a realtionship with you thinking to change your mind. So be prepared. As for the whole, my child might be disabled, thing -- it sounds more like an excuse. What would you feel/think if you found out today that you had a perfectly healthy child? I'm guessing you wouldn't like that either. I don't think you want the time and energy commitment of a child, and yes, that is selfish. However, if you really feel that way, it's better you don't have children anyway because you aren't mature enough to take care of them.

Answer 10

It would be more selfish to have a child with problems and then abandon them. I am a nanny for 2 severely developmentally disabled brothers and it is not easy. Someone has to have a lot of patience, and some days I just want to rip my hair out. After working with these two boys (who are the sweetest kids) my husband and I thank God that our son, who was born almost 3 months early, is healthy and no delays.