Is this worth throwing away a 5 year relationship? This issues have been talked over and over again, with no satisfactory solution for either.
Differences in points of view on family.
Bf doesn't care or wants to get to know my family, won't come to any of my family functions, not even my bday dinners, or cousin's wedding. I want him to be there with me at least SOME of the time, he doesn't want ANY. Says I'm being selfish for wanting him there when he doesn't want to.
He's prone to getting depressed, talks about wanting to die and how he doesn't like this life at all. It worries me because the idea of spending his life with me doesn't help at all.
Bf says that because i go to family things, he'll go out to party, cause he doesn't have family things, so, why should he stay at home? I mean, it's ok if he does his own thing, but read 'out to party', in the not so inocent sense.
And that he says that if we move in together, he wants his own room with locks, where he can get away from me.
2007-11-02 15:11:20 · 14 answers · asked by jade 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
I say, no locks! but he says he wants to protect his stuff.
2007-11-02 15:12:06 · update #1
Oh yeah, and he doesn't want us sleeping in the same bed either, cause he's so used to sleeping alone.
2007-11-02 15:12:39 · update #2
clearly he doesn't want a commitment...neither one of you seem completely happy and if you aren't, which is more valuable to you... the past 5 years or your future...
2007-11-02 15:17:45 · answer #1 · answered by jessicamichelle 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweetie, what you've described isn't a relationship in the positive sense of all that they are meant to be, and there seems to be a big power imbalance (in your boyfriend's favour). Now it's impossible for anyone online to tell you what to do, because they don't know the whole situation, but all I can suggest is that you have a think about a few things.
Relationships are about love, support, caring and compromise - amongst a lot of other day-to-day things. While that can be difficult for someone who struggles with depression, no mental illness is an excuse to behave exactly as you chose with no regard to people around you. If things are so bad, professional help needs to be sought because such destructive behaviour will only damage everyone long term.
You have tolerated you boyfriend's behaviour in respect of your family for 5 years. At the least, a close relative's wedding, or your birthday, are events that warrant some effort to attend (and with good grace too) as the World does not revolve around him.
Based on the last 5 years, how happy do you think you will be in the future?
It sounds as though your boyfriend isn't ready to move in with you, if he is talking about locks on doors and seperate rooms. We all need a little space and that's healthy (I live and work with my partner, and it's tough sometimes!) but not to the extent you describe - what is the point in coming together to build a home in the first place, if he plans to keep you locked away. The same goes of the socialising.
If you boyfriend is having a lot of difficulties with his mood at the moment, perhaps he needs some time to focus on himself rather than the pair of your futures. That's not necessarily a bad thing, if it helps him overcome his problems and means you are both happier long term. Talk to him about your concerns, offer support and a listening ear without judgement (listening is really key here - not just letting him speak). Are you sure your boyfriend has been honest about his feelings?
You don't have to take "a break", but it seems that you might need to make a few hard decisions to ensure future happiness.
Good luck.
2007-11-02 22:28:12 · answer #2 · answered by louise t 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He definitely has some issues that he needs to deal with...outside of a relationship.
Sometimes it's easy to get comfortable in a relationship and see things wrong but think that they are just small quirks or kinks that need to be worked out. Don't get me wrong. Every relationship has those. It's just hard sometimes to tell the difference between small problems and big problems. These are big problems. It's not his fault. He can't love you the way you deserve to be loved if he has all these personal issues.
I would recomment not moving in together. give each other some time and space. Let him get help. Maybe he'll come back and realize the error of his ways after getting some help. maybe not. But it's definitely not healthy for you to be in this relationship the way it is.
2007-11-02 22:19:50 · answer #3 · answered by Been here before 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dump him. You should be with someone that wants to be with you and spend time with you and wants to get to know your family. He seems to be a childish boy that really needs to grow up.
Based on what you jotted down about him, he is everything that a boyfriend/partner/husband should NOT be.
"He's prone to getting depressed, talks about wanting to die and how he doesn't like this life at all. " <- I think that I have heard this from an ex, LOL I left him and guess what...he is still alive, don't let this guy bring you down and do not feel sorry for him, he is just craving attention.
Tell him he needs help, you are willing to show him where he can get it, then dump him. Life will be much better for you afterwards.
2007-11-02 22:20:54 · answer #4 · answered by TXM 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can't believe you are still with the guy. You deserve to be happy, and do the normal things that a couple would do. It seems to me he is only dragging you down. You shouldn't let his depression bring you down. And please, come on, whoever heard of a couple who is supposedly in love having separate rooms with locks??? That sounds TOTALLY ridiculous!!! I think this guy needs a serious wake up call to check into reality, or into a mental institution where he can deal with his problems. Move on with your life, and find a more healthy relationship.
2007-11-02 22:20:08 · answer #5 · answered by cordelia_chase 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes. sometimes you get used to a person because you been with them so long but you do not love them. meeting the family is very important because if he plans to marry you , they are a big part of you. why doesn't he like his life, does he have problems or is he saying that because he is not happy with you. yall might be young and he 5 years is a serious relationship that maybe he is not ready for.
2007-11-02 22:17:16 · answer #6 · answered by raly_sagrado 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the family thing is not so bad cause he is intitled to like em or not and if he dosent like them your family will pick up on that and things will just go from bad to worse.. it is fine that he dosent go , but NOT out to party its not like you are , i mean family events are almost a must like a requirement , sometimes you have a chose and other times you dont. but regardless he should hang out with friends or whatever but not go party. the real reason he says that is just to try to make you not go to your family events and stay there with him. and who is the selfish one?. also hints the word LOCK he is way hidding something. my advise would be that you wasted to much time and dont wast anymore with him
2007-11-02 22:22:44 · answer #7 · answered by Tank 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
maybe he just feels uncomfortable being wit u and ur family it actualy normal even for a 5 year relationship.Maybe he feels insulted because u want him to be in so many family things wit u maybe he wants some space.And no its not a good reason to break up.
2007-11-02 22:17:46 · answer #8 · answered by Latinchick 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You have to face the facts,he likes you for his convience otherwise you don't matter. Let him go get out don't look back he will never make you happy.
2007-11-02 22:18:43 · answer #9 · answered by rjm 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think those reasons are very good to break up i mean come one you guys have separate rooms and beds.
2007-11-02 22:14:49 · answer #10 · answered by :) 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋