As a Parent, What Would You Do?

Question

I'm having a hard time with this. It's not easy to explain. My 5 year old son was molested @ his Dad's house by his new wife's 14 year old foster-daughter, on numerous occasions when the kids were there, while my 4 year old girl watched. The 14 year old has admitted what she's done, my 4 & 5 year old kids are in Therapy @ Children's Hospital. My Family Court case is this Wednesday to solidify legal & physical custody of the kids.

The issue I'm struggling w/today is my reaction in wanting to confront this 14 year old girl & tell her she's going to burn in hell, etc. She is a victim of incest by her Father herself, that's why she's in Foster Care & has been in Therapy since she was 8 or 9? It seems to me if she's had years of Therapy, she should know better & wouldn't want to introduce other children to the types of issues she has dealt with.

I know it's wrong for me to confront her, but my head really ran with what I would say to her today.

What Would You Do?

I am awaiting my Therapy for the next Therapist who takes my insurance to come available. I thought it was best to get the kids in there 1st. I have applied for Victims Of Crime assistance, which if it is accepted, will open up the available Therapists available to me & us.

I'd like to express my sincere thanks to all who answered. I don't know if there is a "best" answer to this question. What I do know was I really needed your input when I asked this question. Thank You

Answer 1

Right now, you need to focus on the needs of your children and your own needs. It will not make you feel better to confront this child at this point, and it certainly won't help your children.

People are going to tell you that you need to forgive her. The day may come when that becomes possible, but don't beat yourself up if it doesn't happen any time soon. It's hard to forgive someone who has hurt your children, especially when it is a hurt with potentially long-term consequences. Just know that you are doing everything you can to help your kids recover, and that many children DO recover from this kind of experience.

My heart goes out to you -- this is a hard thing for a parent to deal with. Love your children and take it easy on yourself. It's okay to be angry. Find a support group -- there is probably one in your community specifically for parents of chldren who have been molested. The only people who really understand what you are dealing with are those who have dealt with it themselves.

Answer 2

I am so sorry for what has happened. As a parent myself I can imagine that you must be both deeply saddened by what has happened to your children and also extremely angry. It was unjust and shouldn't have taken place.

While I can completely understand your wanting to confront this girl for what she did I do not think it would be wise to do so. Yes, she should and probably does understand that what she did was wrong. However, having been exposed to what she was growing up (incest at the hands of her own father) and the poor examples/patterns that were set for her... I would, as hard as this may be, try to understand that your talking to her would do little good. I'm sure that this girl already has a very low self-esteem and already carries a great deal of shame and self-hatred.

I am so sorry that she has decided to perpetuate what was done to her with others. I would be heartbroken to discover this happened to my children. But it sounds like she has admitted to it and the proper steps are being taken with the proper authorities. It's also good to hear that you have your children seeing a counselor to help them sort this out.

I wish you and your family all the best.

Answer 3

My best friend was a victim to her father, she was very confused but it made her all the more want to protect her daughter and others from it happening to them. It sounds bad and i do feel sorry for what happened to her, but she is a bad cookie and i'd make sure that my kids never had anything to do with her again. I would also confront her and tell her that even though it happened to her, she has no right going around and messing up other kids lives. She probally wont listen but at least you'll get it off your chest.

Answer 4

You would only do MORE harm to this girl if you confronted her with your anger. You do need to 'get it out' of you, though. I suggest that you write a 'letter' to her, or to God about her, and then go out to a beach or into the woods, to a place where you can build a small fire, and put the letter (in an envelope, with the 'name' of the recipient on it) into the fire and watch it burn up. I know that may seem like an 'odd' way for you to deal with this, but if you do it, you will FEEL the difference after the letter is 'gone' ... burned up. You need to be STRONG for your children, now, and you need to think more about THEM and what they need than about this girl and all the 'bad' that she has done, and that has been done to her. I would think about asking the judge in this case to give your ex only 'supervised visitation' since the molestation happened in HIS home ... he should have KNOWN this girl was at risk of becoming a molester herself, and should NOT have left his two younger children under her care, or let her get them alone, EVER. I'll be praying for all three of you ...

Answer 5

My first thought was you need to be in therapy to deal with your own feelings about this. I am glad that is going to happen. Your feelings toward this girl sound normal to me. You are angry that your children were hurt by her.

I would want to know where the adults were when this 14 year old was molesing "on numerous occasions". Was she babysitting? She needs to continue therapy herself to find out about her need to hurt these young children. It is a known fact that many who were molested themselves become molesters as older folks, usually as adults, not necessarily teens.

Answer 6

Remember that she is a child and a victim herself. There is no telling what was done to her or how long it will take for her to be free of the repercussions of what she endured -- if she ever is. Her ability to control herself was compromised by factors over which she had no control.

And consider getting some therapy for yourself. You've also gone through a trauma. Your desire to act out on this child is an indication of that, and the need for you to take care of your emotional damages as well.

Answer 7

confronting her is not the answer. Since you apparently have filed charges, let law enforcement handle it. It might gain you some slight satisfaction, but then again, it could turn really ugly, lead to charges against you, and possible ruin the case against her. Protect your kids and leave revenge to God. It will all come out in the end.
by the way, I'm sorry about your son. Good luck

Answer 8

I am so sorry for you and your children....
The most important thing is to help your children and yourself... my advice is for you to seek therapy as well to help you help yourself. This 14 y/o girl is a mess and need you point out the obvious? I understand your anger as I am a parent myself, however no good will come from you confronting her.
Take the high road and set a good example for your children...
good luck!

Answer 9

She sounds to me like she's aleady ruined.Tell her what you think maybe that will make her rethink.I'm a mother of three,I could only imagine what I would do.

Answer 10

explain to him that what ever has happened in his life nothing can add to or take away his perfection.