Do you regret not telling a parent you were raped?

Question

I chose not to tell my parents for several reasons. But there are times- when I have such difficulties with my mom that I just want to tell her to make her stop being so crazy with me. So maybe she'd sit and think about me and my feelings for a change. But then she'd go and tell the world, so I don't want that at all. I'll prob keep this with me my entire life. But I just broke down a little bit ago- this being the day it happened, my mom threw another fit about money and the wedding my fiance and I are planning for next year. I've already told her we could save our own money and do it ourselves, only hold it off until the following year. Anyways, there are times I wish I'd blurt it out to her but then again, I don't think she'd quite get it and almost feel she'd end up blaming me anyways. It just hurts not being able to communicate with my own mother. And I don't want to hurt my dad by telling him.it's been quite a few yrs now, and I still have a tough time on Nov.2nd.

It was when I was 19yrs old... I did go to the hospital and I did talk to a detective, I didn't not tell anyone, my ex knew and blamed me, and close friends know. My fiance also knows it happened... it's my parents I haven't told mostly I didn't think my mom would care so much or that she'd blame me for it and send me home from college to live with her- that's not what I wanted at all. So I have been able to talk about it. I do great, but when bad things happen on the same day, I get super emotional. That's all. I have to be strong now- my fiance and I have a 2 yr old child who I live my life for. So I always have to be strong for him- I live to see he's happy. :)

Answer 1

It is so sad when we cannot depend on our parents for love and encouragement when it's needed most. I think that since so much time has past, they probably would be upset more because you didn't tell them about it when it happened. Your finance knows about the rape, yet he is there to support and love you, and this I know you are very grateful for. Time is often the best healer of things that happen to us in the past, and Jesus knows what you've been through and will help you if you ask Him to. God bless you!!!

Answer 2

I am sorry that you have had to go through all of this alone and in silence. I guess we all go though our own personal hell. Perhaps a support group would have been better.
I too was raped but by my mother's lover and in her bed while she was away at work and my dad out of town. He was also my teacher. I was sworn to secrecy or maybe my grade would suffer???? I was 13. I don't know, I just never thought about telling her and then one day when something got kind of ugly, I don't even remember the situation now, but I spilled it out and all she said was "Hurt, didn't it!!!" There was no compassion what so ever or any remorse for even being partly responsible. I think I was 16 or 17 by then. It even crushed me more that she didn't care. I could never communicate with my mom either. She was always right on things and everything was built around her needs. She is very selfish and she still is today. She use to put my dad into crying spells. You would never think that a grown man could cry, but she could certainly do it. She drove me away and when I turned 18 was the day I moved out. I still talk to her every now and then, but our visits are very infrequent. In 35 years, she has never come to visit me. She is glad to see me as long as I can do things for her but that's about it. I guess I am lucky I think I am normal, but I did survive. Mom and dad always fought about money, so when I got married, the only thing that I ask for was to borrow $40 for my wedding veil. My dad wouldn't let me pay it back though.
Just by listening to you and your mom's fits, perhaps it is just better to keep your secret away from your mom and dad. You have survived this long, but if you need support yet, then I think you should get it. Sometimes a friend can be a better listener. I think that if I weren't so scared I would have told what happened right away instead of waiting for a moment to explode it in the open at a wrong moment and expect everything to be honky dory or for her to feel bad for me. My dad has since passed away and he never knew. It was perhaps best that way and no regrets. I think that your mom has her own set of issues and problems. Maybe you should have your own small wedding in a park without so many frills and then take some money aside and you and your fiance go off to the Caribbean or on a cruise. You can get some pretty good deals on vacationstogo.com. Anyway, good luck with what ever you choose to do. Everyone has their own opinions and choices in life. Hope you have a wonderful marriage.

Answer 3

Carebear, I want you to understand that I too, was raped and I too, held it from many! I took the guilt that others should have felt and placed it upon myself! I pray with all my heart, that you are not doing this! I also pray that you will find the courage to tell your parents. They need to know but, you need to tell them when you are not angry and wanting to blurt this out! One day, in a heated battle, you may just blurt this out! That is not the way to tell anyone this! Especially, if your Mom would tell others! Fact is, you cannot carry this all alone. If you see that you cannot talk to them about this, then, I suggest prayer! I do not know if you believe in God, or the power of prayer. I pray with my heart thta you do as He can give you peace and give you the words to speak to your parents, with love...even when your Mom is being celf-centered....God can go before you and you might be surprised at your Mom's reaction and communicate with you freely.

I do understand...but, I also understand that God is very important in my life as He loves us more than any one ever could! He does NOT leave us nor, forsake us....we cannot say this about mankind!

I am sorry about what has happened but, as you know, life goes on! So, congratulations on the upcoming marriage and I pray God blesses your marriage!

God God bless you,
Gail

Answer 4

i think you should tell your parents, no matter if it hurts them. Tell your mother, It would be better no matter what tell your mother if you think this is going to put it to rest in your mind tell her. I think it's better to tell her now because if you never will then u might live with the thought of what if, and no one wants to live with something like that. It can hurt you for the rest of your life, think about yourself this time, it might help change your relationship, and if that's not the case then you can finally move on if your mother does not give you the support that u are entitled to. Make sure you tell you fiancee about that because it can strain your relationship if you don't. Think about yourself this time, it's important you learn to overcome something like that, It's impossible to forget but u can finally move on in a way. Do what's best for everyone and i know ur parents would want to know that and your dad definitely, talk to them and let them know it's not their fault and you don't blame them for anything. Good luck and do what's best for everyone, it's your choice.

Answer 5

You seem to "NEED" to talk about it. It isn't healthy keeping such a secret inside. I don't think you should just blurt it out to your mom to have her "leave you alone". I think if you want to tell her, have a planned one on one alone. I know you don't want sympathy, it seems like you are stressed out about your wedding and looking to ease your mother's naggy by telling her this horrible thing that happened to you. I am sorry it happened to you but your mother loves you and will be sick inside about this, please take caution how and when you tell her. And also, get counseling if you haven't. Remember you are a survivor! good luck on your wedding and stop stressing it is your big day... Try to enjoy the planning..

Answer 6

Yeah its risky 2 b in dat kinda dating you have been smart 2 end it he would desire to hav grow to be abusive and at last killed you. it is soooooooo nawt ur fault u hav nothin 2 sense responsible bout u r sooooo solid and brave and dont hardship only tell ur make sure who ur maximum mushy with ask them 2 tell da different a million take a seat down and discus if or what u wanna do bout it

Answer 7

I see no reason to tell them. You family doesn't sound very supportive and that is not what you need. Stick with your Fiance and care for your child. If you need to talk to someone, go talk to a professional.

Answer 8

It may be difficult but you need to tell them. Why wouldnt you tell your parents Im not saying anything is wrong with you but that can effect you amazingly I am terribly sorry that something terrible like that happened to you.

Answer 9

tell someone; dont let the world have another rapist, you dont want another girl to go through what you went through.
talk to your mom and dad this will get you closer and your feelings out in the open.

Answer 10

did you tell the cops? and your bf? if so then tell them if you want to otherwise dont worry about it ,you seam to have moved on ,but if you didnt report it to cops then your not moving on your hiding