My boyfriend is 32. We have been dating for over 3 yrs. Our sex life is practically nothing. Previously I was willing to go to any extreme to turn him on. Sometimes that worked, and the other times he just expressed no interest. We have talked about this many times and he does not think we have a prob. According to him its all fine, because ultimately we love each other (we have been living together for 2 yrs). He thinks sex is not that important for a relationship. He does not want to see a therapist or even talk about it anymore.
He works late and comes home exhausted. By the time we are done with dinner, he is already half asleep. He is busy with other things on the weekends. We now have sex maybe twice a month and sometime once in two months. He has fallen asleep while watching porn with me, after coming from strip clubs (which I accompany him to) and while making out with me.
Can someone give me some tips on how to get him and keep him interested in me.
2007-11-02 11:44:05 · 27 answers · asked by curious 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Was he like this when you first got together? If not, it could signal a medical problem. Even if he doesn't think it's a problem, he should see a doctor. Lack of sex drive can be a medical symptom of a myriad of problems.
If he never had much of a sex drive, it could be psychological or emotional, too. He should see both a medical doctor and a psychologist.
Why? It isn't just about sexual compatibility between both of you. A healthy sex life is good for his body and mind. Studies show that men with healthy sex lives live longer. An active sex life staves off disease and boosts the immune system...keeps up hormone production, etc.
Plus, sex IS an important part of a loving relationship. If for some reason having sex is impossible physically, couples still strive for passionate intimacy in other ways. Sex is biologically and psychologically bonding between lovers.
Lacking sex alone doesn't destroy a relationship but lacking intimacy can.
If he refuses to get help, you have to consider his stubborness as a trait you will have to live with for the rest of your lives together. Do you love him to live sexless?
There is a reason why a 32 year old man is uninterested in sex. Find it or move on...
His low sex drive has nothing to do with you. He may be happy to live with a low sex drive, but will you?
2007-11-02 12:00:31 · answer #1 · answered by hope03 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am currently going through something similar with my boyfriend of nearly 6 years, living together nearly 5. he's 27. I am thinking, in fact I know, that he is suffering from depression. He is reluctant also to go to therapy, and doesn't often open up (classic brooding type). It is possible that your boyfriend is going through depression as well. If he's not happy in his job, overworked and constantly tired even after getting a lot of sleep, and not as sexual as he used to be, that's what needs to be focused on.
I know how it feels to feel like it's all you--you're not sexy enough, you're not doing this or that, and what is he thinking and what can i do....You can be concerned, but you have to tell yourself that it's not you that is causing it.
He could have chronic fatigue syndrome, or something else. Suggest he go for a physical, and schedule one for yourself, too. It's a good time of year for it anyway, right? Then maybe the issue might get solved.
You've got to take all the external factors into perspective, and stay calm about it. Has he gained weight recently? Maybe he's just not feeling sexy. Women's sexual peaks are when they are around his age. Men's are in their teens and 20's.
I know it's a lot to think about, and it's not a way to make excuses for his actions (or lack of), but a way to try and understand them and get to the root of it so that you can work together to make a better life.
All you can do is keep being supportive and loving and seductive. It sounds like you've been trying really hard. If you really love him, stick it out. If it gets to a point where he becomes flat out disrespectful and uncaring, it may be time to reconsider your positions. But remember, you can't blame him for doing or not doing things if you don't make yourself heard. You can start a conversation with him when things are quiet and he is not distracted. Tell him this is the last time you'll bring this up for a while, but....and then explain what you're feeling and thinking. You have to stay calm and let him know you're not accusing him of anything or trying to make him feel guilty, you're just concerned. Talk it out, and then keep your word and don't bring it up for a while and see what happens.
Good luck to you, I know what you're going through and it will be okay. 3 years is a long time, and you're comfortable with each other. Remember when you first moved in together? You were probably jumping on each other all the time, because now you had your own place and the freedom to do it morning, noon, and night. That peters out after a while, and it sounds like that time has come for you. It's a big transition and can make a gal crazy, I know.
It'll all work out for the best.
2007-11-02 12:06:34 · answer #2 · answered by Laur 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This sounds very much like my current situation, my boyfriend works long hours and comes home stressed and tired. Then he zones out for hours with computer games or tv to unwind, meanwhile I want him to come to bed. By the time he does it is past midnight and I wouldnt be up for anything anyways since I work early.
What I have noticed is the more stressed he is, the less likely things will happen for us. So what I suggest is to set up the perfect, stress free night for the two of you. I dont think doing extreme things will help, I believe he is attracted to you but with so many other things consuming his mind, he cant focus.
When he gets home from work have dinner prepared for him and the house clean. Clutter adds to stress. Have a hot bath ready for him, or give him a massage so he can unwind and dont put pressure on him. Give him some time to relax then start coming on to him. Maybe plan a weekend trip somewhere calming where you can connect. Hopefully this will work, good luck.
2007-11-02 11:58:39 · answer #3 · answered by Snarf 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I had the same problem with my ex husband. I tried everything. I often felt humiliated or like I was begging someone to love me. He only started coming around when I had enough and started ignoring him. He started making passes at me when I did not want him anymore. There is only so much a woman can take. To me sex equals love. I don't have sex with just anyone so when I do it is to get closer to him. Why don't you go to therapy and talk to someone. Maybe it is time to think about either living this way forever or trying to re-establish a loving sexual relationship with a new person. I am sorry this is happening to you. I use to think I was the only woman in the world that wanted sex more that my spouse. good luck.
2007-11-02 11:51:51 · answer #4 · answered by anna_90242 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, your husband works late, comes home exhausted, and has no sexual interest in you.....
When this starts happening most women call cheaters instead of asking about how to turn him on.
Its very rare for a man of his age to act like this. Just judging from your description it sounds like the poor guy probably just has some degree of impotency. It doesn't always mean you can't get an erection.
My second guess would be that he is gay. You could always see if maybe he reacts more to porn with more men in it, but not gay porn you risk disaster with that hehe.
Last and I think definitely least likely scenario in this case is that he may be cheating on you.
Anything besides those three would be completely bizarre so logic tells us that its probably one of the three things I have mentioned here.
2007-11-02 12:12:22 · answer #5 · answered by bo75007 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Danm he needs a vacation...Honey, it sounds to me like he's exhausted, or may be too sressed with his job...My Fiance, is never in the mood after work, but I make sure we have our time to ourselves also, he needs to take time for you, not to only have sex, but to spend quality time. One of these weekend forbid him to plan anything and tell him you have something planned for the both of you...Get some nice oils set, the bath, nice fruit platter, nice dinner, maybe a movie, come out in a nurse outfit, give him a great massage, do his whole body, and tell him the reason why you love and desire him. Next day, sleep in and and maybe do something fun, or relaxing...I'm sure he'll appreciate that. Good luck hun.
Hopefully that will work, other than that hun, you might have to start thinking whether or not you're willing to live with this situation, for ever
2007-11-02 11:52:32 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you believe there is a problem, then there is. Your needs are not being fulfilled in the relationship the way things stand. Sex is important in relationships. It can't be taken for granted that each partner will always be satisfied, but this is a longstanding issue for you. All the effort seems to be coming from your side, and if he is neither interested in your overtures, or in sorting this out with counselling, then you can either resign yourself to a virtually platonic partnership or move on.
2007-11-02 11:51:40 · answer #7 · answered by PollyN 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, from my observation with TV shows such as Jerry Springer, Maury, etc, and myself....It seems like something is up. The bad is He could be physically unattracted to you at this point. It may not be about the sex....it's just boredom with you. On the other hand, on a more positive note, he could be strung out from work and stuff and not in the mood to have sex. Usually if you are trying to turn on a guy, from a male perspective, I would strip for him and moan and wait until he gets hard and then fondle him (you know where ;P) and then suck his D1CK. See if that works....
2007-11-02 11:50:38 · answer #8 · answered by Aaron Outrage 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This tip is not how to keep him interested in you cause what he is not interested in is sex. That does not necessarily mean he is uninterested in you. He probably won't talk about what ever his problem is but if he refuses then you have to make some choices for yourself. No one wants to or should have to damp down their NORMAL sex drive because their partner has an abnormal one. If he is unwilling to make any attempt at pleasing you whether it is talking about the problem or doing something more physical then he is being very very selfish. Is that what you want to live with for the rest of your life? Trust me, been there done it and it resolved itself because my displeasure started showing itself in ways that eventually killed the relationship. So. Decisions, decisions.
2007-11-02 12:08:00 · answer #9 · answered by still sharp47 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is abnormal for a 32 year old man to have so little sex drive and I don't see any prospect that the BF is likely to change anytime soon. Perhaps it is time for you to think about how important having a normal sex life is to you because I doubt that this relationship is going to change.
2007-11-02 11:53:02 · answer #10 · answered by milton b 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋