I need some simple advice. I have never cared for an elderly person before, how do I do this successfully?

Question

My mother in law is in her 70's & smoked since age 19. She now is in stage 4 copd & we have her under hospice care. Now she stays in her house & is still mobile, however, she has nurses that come once a week & a home health aid that comes twice a week. My ma in law doesn't like to go anywhere & she doesn't want to get baths. She puts the nurse off all the time. So you have to know that this house smells like old lady. She keeps me & my hubby on the go, but we at least get breaks from her. Today I came in the house & smelled smoke (she was required to quit after getting oxygen) but she still sneaks the smokes. We just got thru installing a $8,000 a/c system but ma in law still smokes anyways.
Why would her doctor place her under hospice care? How can I have more patience. I am not mean, I just get frustrated sometimes with her. She has started asking me where I am going, how long, etc. and I am not even her kid. Any advice appreciated. Thanks.

Answer 1

You have a very very difficult job ahead of you. Old people can get quite selfish and think the world revolves just for them. All you can do is your best. You must however, still have a life of your own.

You don't have to tell her everything you are doing if you do not want to. If you don't get firm with this situation you will end up having a nervous breakdown yourself.

Be kind to her but don't let her rule your life. Just do what you can when you can.

If this lady continues to smoke then let her. She knows the consequences. She will kill herself. You can't take on the world you are too young.

Having patience is the hardest thing to do. I am speaking from experience you know. The day I decided I would not let it get me down it was the best decision I made.

Answer 2

been there done that/ At this point in her life I doubt if she quits. She may only have one or 2 cigs a day, maybe that is why she is questioning where you are going. etc. She is probably sneaking them when you are not there. I would not go so far as to "give her permission" to smoke but making a big deal over with her is probably useless. As for the baths there are "bath towelettes" you can buy at the the drug store they are used for the elderly that can not get in and out of tub. They are bigger then the normal wet wipes. I am sure she is just too embarrassed and proud to have someone give her a bath. You may want to pick up a pack tell her what they are for and leave it up to her. As for the old lady smell. Fe breeze and room fresheners do help. Keep bedding clean and her clothes or else it all starts to smell musty. Try to find what might interest her. Cross words. books. word finds. You can find them in big print if vision is a problem. I know it is hard, try to get a break at some point and remember they are elderly and can be cranky and set in their ways. Hope this helps

Answer 3

Go into a closet and scream. Come out and regroup. You can only do so much and you do NOT WANT TO COMPROMISE your life for what is left of hers. She makes decisions that hurt her health so don't let her decisions hurt yours.

If she ask where you are going.. tell her that is non of her business. You came, you did, and now you are leaving.

Also remind her that you increased the insurance because if she continues to smoke with the oxygen she could blow up the house.

She has the right to live her life as she has in the past and it is her decision BUT IT YOUR RIGHT to decide how much she is able to affect your life.

Bless you. Fortunately I never had to go through this with my Mom or my Dad. But I have several friends who are doing this right now.. And when my sister would find fault with our step-mother, I quickly told her to shut up. I love my Dad but I didn't want him living with me and my step-mother took care of him.
And if she had not been there it would have been very expensive.