What should I do about my husband?

Question

I love my hubby and I know he loves our 9 and a half month old son Colin too but...he spanks or slaps Colin's hand whenever he does anything that he would consider wrong. I try to tell my hubby that he is too young to understand. I tell him that he is being too rough and I don't want him doing that anymore...I've told him probably a hundred times but he still does. Colin isn't really physically hurt by it. It's not like my hubby spanks/slaps his hands hard or anything like that but I don't like it. Anyone know how I can get through to him to find a different way to handle Colin? He doesn't like that Colin makes messes sometimes or if he cries. He doesn't want him to self feed because he makes a mess when he does it and I try to tell him that is a part of learning. He was the second of 8 kids so I don't understand how he got this way.

I think the occasional light spanking or slap on the hand when they are getting into something particularly dangerous is appropriate but I just think he is excessive and that it's not teaching our son anything. I try to tell him that saying no and taking him away from the situation is the best thing to do but I don't know anymore. He thinks I'm disrespecting him by not allowing him to dicipline his son.

I'm not reserved or anything and I tell my hubby forcefully that his actions are unacceptable but when I do this he says that he won't help take care of our son because he can't do it right. So because I really need the help I back off.

My hubby does have the best intentions. He just doesn't seem to know how to handle a child. I don't really plan on having any more kids partially because of this.

Answer 1

Who is helping who here? Your husband is accountable to God for how he leads the family. I would reccomend praying that God would give you both a peace about the right approach. And in the meantime, I would respect the leadership that God put in place. If you're both looking for God's best, and willing to humble yourselves and seek it, you'll find it.

Answer 2

Kids need discipline and structure from the day they enter the world. You may think it's harsh, but kids are way smarter than some people give them credit for. At this age, your son is testing the both of you to see just how far he can go. Trust me my sister in law has a four yr old and is having a terrible time with her. She didn't use to discipline her because she thought she was too cute and felt guilty if she made her cry. Now it's to the point my niece talks back to her parents, slaps them, and honestly no one wants to be around them. Sometimes spanking is the only way to let your child know that you mean business unfortunately.

Answer 3

Since he doesn't seem to respect your opinion, a class on parenting young children may be helpful.

Discipline means to teach. What does he think he is teaching your son by hitting him? That if you are bigger you get to hurt smaller people. That if you are upset keep it to your self. If he can't do it right the first time don't try again because he will get hit if he makes a mess.

At that age, a simple "no-no" and move the child away from where he is not supposed to be is sufficient. Developmentally it is important for your son to learn to self feed. When children can't talk, they cry to express themselves. It's ridiculous to hit a 9 month old for crying. Does he really think it will make him cry less?

Answer 4

Your husband needs a parenting class. It literally made me feel sick to my stomach reading your post. Spanking or slapping a nine month old baby isn't going to accomplish anything. Your child will learn nothing but that it's ok to hit or strike someone when they make you angry. He'll also grow to fear your husband and look to you for protection. Your child is nine months old for crying out loud!! He's just a baby..he needs to learn to self-feed and make a mess. What was your husband expecting? That his baby would just learn to eat no problem and not make a mess?? Like I said..parentintg class is a definate must. Sign him up NOW.

And FYI...there is no way on earth that I would have let my husband get away with that. If he had done it once it would have been his last time. He would have found himself living on the street if he had kept doing that after I had said no. That's just me though...

Answer 5

What you're husband is doing is wrong.

Think of a puppy. When the puppy goes potty on the carpet, do you punish the puppy 6 hours later when you finally realize his mistake? No, because the puppy doesn't know what he did wrong.

Same thing with a baby. It's one thing if they are reaching for a hot stove and you "slap" his hand away, saying "Hot, this is Hot" so he *understands* why he was slapped.

For making messes and crying though?! Please! Ok, so your husband knows about the birds and the bees, now it's time to explain parenthood to him. Babies are messy. Babies cry. It's generally not acceptable to spank/slap babies.

He needs to be able to "discipline" his son....but maybe he should wait until the child can actually say the word "discipline" first! You need to support him because he is your husband, but as a mommy, you also need to protect your child...even from your hubby when he's wrong.

Both of you need to get enrolled in parenting classes.

Best of luck to you both.

Answer 6

Yout right he is too young to understand and the best way for him to learn is to say no and remove him from the situation. Me and my partner have a 2yr old girl and she can get into alot of mischief and i dont agree in spanking or slapping the hand (although i will occasionally very lightly - even though it pointless she just laughs at me!) you really need to get your husband to sit down with you and talk about it ( but not while your child is in the room, they arent stupid and will soon learn how to play mummy and daddy off against each other if you contradict each other in front of him) you need to both come to a decition on disapline and stick to it. As for your hubby not liking him feed himself coz of the mess - well what does he expect? hes nearly 10 months and probably loves the indapendance amd it help them learn hand eye coordination. I think men find it very difficult to look after babiesw. my partner doesnt like our daughter making mess at dinner either but he just stays out of it coz i clean it up so he cant really moan. if this is your 1st child then i understand why you feel you need alot of help but it is possible for you to do it with out so much help. my partner is hardly here alot of the time and i have 2 kids to deal with. other than talking i cant really suggest anything else that could make him see - maybe you could slap his hand every time he makes a mess and see how he likes it! :)

Answer 7

This *is* going to be a problem. It sounds like you and your husband have very different core beliefs about how to raise children...something that you should have talked about *before* your son was born. Now that your son is here though, you can't just over rule your husband's parenting style. (You said yourself he is not abusive.) He has just as much right as you do to raise his child in a way that he believes is right. It sounds like you are going to have to sit down and come up with a compromise where he can discipline in a way that he finds effective, but that you still feel comfortable with. It will take a lot of talking, and a lot of compromise, but you have to do it for the sake of your relationship and-more importantly-your son's sake.

Good luck.

Answer 8

God says "Spare the rod spoil the child".
The rod our Heavenly Father is referring to is the one used by the sheep herders to gently guide their sheep to safe pastures.
They never ever hit their sheep with the rod instead they'd gently tap the sheep with the rod and the sheep knew what to do.
What God is saying is that if we with hold the rod of love and guidance from our children they will wander out into unsafe pastures and become spoiled or ruined by angry wolves.
So we are to always provide our little ones with a safe and loving environment in which to grow.
But if we hit our children or hurt them in anyway we become someone they cannot trust and eventually they'll leave and become involved with angry wolves who will spoil them.

Withhold love and guidance from a child and see how fast they become ruined.

Your little boy needs to feel that he is totally unconditionally loved by both you and his daddy and if he doesn't then he'll begin to think it's his fault because something is wrong with him or he just isn't good enough to be loved.
He also needs to think that his mommy and daddy are the only people on the face of this planet who would never hurt him but will always keep him safe.

I have a 5 year old that I love very much and he hasn't ever been hit by either me or his father and we don't yell at him either.
We talk to him when he's done something wrong (which isn't very often) and explain why what he did was wrong.
We also teach him through setting a good example ourselves which means we follow the same rules we lay out for him and we have him follow our lead.
And it works it really does he's a very sweet little boy and confident in the knowledge that if he ever needs anything he can always rely on me or his father because he trusts us

I think the best way to teach a child right from wrong is to just redirect them after telling them about something they cannot do and explaining why to showing them something they can do that's better for them.
Take away a favorite toy for a day or talk sternly to them but never make it appear you don't love them while your disciplining them always let them know that you love them no matter what.

I hope your husband realizes before it's too late the damage he's doing by sending across the message to his little boy that his love comes with conditions and if he makes a mistake then he's going to get hurt by the one he loves.

God bless you and your family.

Answer 9

Try and have a talk with him explaining that you both view the situation differently.. Kids are very smart and that soon the child will pick up on the fact that you both don't agree.. and use this to manipulate the both of you.. Parents have to be a united team or else the child will be playing you both against each other.. Try and compromise with your husband and find a way you both agree to discipline the child..

Answer 10

Here's the way out. Education. Attend a child psychology class with your hubby..or get some books. Does hitting a child lead to problems? Does it help a child? What reasons support you and your hubbys beliefs? Find out before it's too late.

Answer 11

I totally agree with you on all points. I do not think that your husband should be using this tactic unless it's a dangerous behavior. I think you should probably set your foot down. It sounds like you're not a particularly agressive wife (which is fine! don't get me wrong!) and if you find the correct way to say "STOP THAT" to him, he might just listen. Also, you are totally correct that your son needs to self feed (and make a mess!) to help him along his road to independence. Barring all of this above, your husband probably won't do any long lasting harm to your son. Maybe more like long lasting harm to your respect for him. Just love your son and best of luck!!