death of a father?

Question

hey whats up, im 19 now and my dad passed away when i was about 3 in a half.. i was wonderin if it was normal to have most of the side effects? i grew up very insecure and im still shy, and i dont have much confidence. I was wonderin if anyone knows about it or knows from personal experience...i dont mean to sound that bad, but i think that it changed how i grew up. If anyone knows or relates thanks again

Answer 1

My father died when I was two, in fact the day after. My mother remarried 18months later to a man who adopted me. By co-incidence, my adopted fathers b-day was the very day my father died, the day after my b-day.

It was the 50's, so keep in mind that things were alittle different back then. My last name was changed which alienated my fathers family, who I was very close to. They choose to stay out of my life. My adopted father is a good man, provided very well for me, probably better than my own father would have ever been able to, had he lived.

I grew up keeping a secret that my mother didn't want anyone to know, including my half brothers and sisters. That was a terrible burden for a child. I grew up feeling different and set apart, even though my adopted father never treated me any differently than my brothers and sisters. He's really a better person than my mother is, who favors her son's openly.

I grew up feeling like my life was stopped and I had no direction or nurturing for the change. I was not allow to grieve, or feel abandoned. But that's exactly how I felt, I felt abadoned by my father who died, by my grandparents and aunt, and emotionally by my mother who never recovered from her grief. She's almost 80, been married to my adopted father for over 50 years now, and my own father has been dead for 52years and she still acts like she is in mourning. That effected their relationship, as my adopted father could never live up to her first husband, even though he died, barely a grown man at the age of 25.

I grew inside of me, I hid emotions or I acted out. When I became a teenager, instead of addressing what is normal teenage behavior with some understanding, my mother blamed it (I never did anything outrageous, no sex, drinking or drugs, she just didn't like my friends or relationships with anyone but her) on my grandparents not seeing me and would tell me my dead father would be ashamed of me. It was never anything she was responsible for. She would say that any time I said something she didn't like, or questioned her, or bothered her. And tell me that I reminded her of my aunt, who she openly and viciously hated.

So I felt abandoned, different from everyone else, isolated, and thrown away. Luckily I also have a brain, so I survived and didn't fall into many pitfalls of people who feel that way. However I've never been able to maintain a good relationship until now, and I've struggled all my life with my weight.

I also was really confused when I turned 25 and didn't die like my father. I always thought I would, and really didn't know what to do after that. I married a man who is a drunk and drug user(now 4yrs sober), and who was emotionally cold and distant. I never really accomplished anything that made me happy, except for raising my daughters.

I have great daughters, and am very proud of their determination and strength. I was a good mom, and broke the cycle of psychological and emotional abuse that I was subject to as a child. I am in a relationship now that I am working on to succeed. I'm working on what I want to be when I grow up at the age of 54 and I'm happier than I have ever been.

What I would suggest to you is to ask for counseling and talk talk talk. Talk all your feelings out and learn to cope and get things out in the open and resolved. If there is any confusion over your dads death, talk to everyone who knows him and ask them about it. No matter what, he most likely loved you. You don't mention suicide, so I'll assume he got sick and died or it was an accident. Either way, he didn't mean to leave you and its not your fault.

Confidence is something you will gain in time. You have to do something over and over again to really know how to do it and that will build your confidence. Sometimes you may have to parent yourself in those situation where he isn't there. I've "talked" to my dead father all my life, and sometimes his direction isn't clear, but it makes me feel better to know that his love for me remains.

Get some counseling and allow yourself to be angry for his leaving you. Start a journal of your feelings, and start a journal of other people's memories of your dad. Good luck to you, there is a bright future and hope out there for you, but you have to take the first step. Best wishes and blessings to you.

Answer 2

My dad died when I was 12...I had my mother, and for me, was enough, I grew up fine...my brother however, was 8, and he's had adverse affects of not having his father there..boys need some male influence in their lives....living with women just doesn't cut it..although you can't do anything about it, maybe realizing it, can help you,,,
The insecurity and confidence should have come from your mother, the shyness, well, a lot of people are..you're not alone in this feeling, maybe talk to a professional about it.

Answer 3

Shyness might just be who you are; it's hard to tell.

Yes, it probably did effect you in lots of ways, but what and how much depends on a lot of things, such as what kind of parenting you got from your mother, what kinds of men were in your life and what your relationships were like, and lots of other things.

If you think you could use help figuring this out, and dealing with the "side-effects" consider counseling.

There are probably books on the subject, too, including other people's stories.

Answer 4

I don't think that was because of your dad. Children don't properly know there parents until they are 4 years old, if they are younger then 4 and are taken away from their parents they will eventually forget about them. so you would not have remembered your dad. if you had a hard time growing up then yes that could have made you this way. or this problem could just be you. i am not sure why this is happening but it is not coz of your father.

as i said if it was hard growing up then that coz have caused this.

Answer 5

I lost my mom when I was younger. It sure does affect your whole life. But you know what it will eventually make you a stronger person. One day (just like I did) you will make some decisions just to make your Dad proud of who you have become. Until then walk tall, and be proud....you are still his son. Good Luck

Answer 6

i was the same but i havent lost my dad i just grew up not ever speaking or seeing my dad .... i think sooner or later you'll change

Answer 7

I dont exactly know for sure but I would have to say that it def affected your life not having a father.

Answer 8

Sorry about your dad's lack of life A coward dies 100 deaths, a courageous guy in easy words once... yet then, once is adequate, isn't it?" -decide Harry T.Stone Tears are frequently an irrelevant reaction to lack of life. at the same time as a existence has been lived thoroughly really, thoroughly efficiently, or merely thoroughly, the stunning reaction to lack of life's acceptable punctuation mark is a grin." -Julie Burchill a million words would not carry you back, i understand because i tried, neither would a million tears, i understand because I cried" hindrances are a organic area of existence, merely as boulders are a organic area of the approach the river. The river does no longer whinge or get depressed because there are boulders in its course. To my question, to even if we would toughen our minds for the frame of mind of lack of life, he responded in a pastime, "No, Sir, enable it on my own. It concerns no longer how a guy dies, yet how he lives. The act of lack of life isn't of value, it lasts so short a time." He extra, with an earnest seem, "a guy knows of it would want to be so, and submits. it is going to do him no good to whine." Boswell. Few go the river of time and are waiting to achieve non-being. maximum of them run up and down in easy words in this area of the river. yet those who at the same time as they understand the regulation stick with the course of the regulation, they shall attain the different shore and bypass previous the area of lack of life. How do i keep in mind that loving existence isn't a fantasy? How do i keep in mind that in hating lack of life i'm in assessment to a guy who, having left living house in his youngsters, has forgotten the long in the past? Chuang Tzu those who've endeavoured to tutor us to die nicely, have taught few to die willingly; yet i can not yet desire that a good existence would end a minimum of in a chuffed lack of life." Johnson. the different of love isn't hate, it is indifference. the different of paintings isn't ugliness, it is indifference. the different of religion isn't heresy, it is indifference. And the different of existence isn't lack of life, it is indifference. -Elie Wiesel lack of life isn't the superb loss in existence. the superb loss is what dies interior us at the same time as we stay. - Norman Cousins lack of life is between the finest hindrances we meet in existence, yet when we take the right frame of mind it will be an person-friendly wrestle. in case you're taking the incorrect frame of mind then nicely you're lack of life