How do you deal with a relationship where your ex has moved on, but you haven't?

Question

The length of time since the relationship has ended is not, in my mind, long enough to move on and start dating again. But apparantly he has no problem doing just that. I find it insulting that he started dating right away, and feel like it kind of degrades the relationship that we did have, but I don't want to turn into one of those psycho ex-girlfriends. How would you handle this situation?

The last thing I want to do is start dating again, guys. I just want to be single. But that doesn't prevent me from being upset at him taking this all so flippantly. (FYI: I haven't really talked to him about it, so he doesn't know I'm upset about it.)

Steve: it's kind of hard for me to not pay attention to his actions when he parades them in front of me. :)

Confirmed: sorry if I sounded like a teenager with this question, I'm in my 20's.

Answer 1

You need to really look at yourself and your life, make some decisions that may seem hard now but will give you a purpose a sense of direction.

Here is a quote I found that seems fitting.. hope it helps.
Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire. If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don't know something, for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations, because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you're tired and weary, because it means you've made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things.

A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks.

Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings

Answer 2

Guys and gals do not think alike.

Without knowing any details I can only guess here but...

The relationship is not what you feel is degraded but you as a person. Your personal value was attached to your ability to remain in a relationship with this guy.

So you feel like you were rejected personally and that there is something wrong with you or you have no value otherwise this guy would have waited until you were over the relationship to begin a new one or simply stayed in a relationship with you.

This guy probably did not associate the relationship with your value as a person or his but associated a value with the relationship alone. Which once ended, the relationship had no value in of itself. Not that you had no value, but the relationship had no value.

You on the other hand attached your personal value to the value of the relationship which is why you cannot let it go. Right now you feel that if you let it go then you have no value.

That is not true though, it is the relationship alone that has no value, but you have value.

Your personal value should only be attached to you. When you do that then you will 'get over it.' That also will serve to give you better relationships in the future.

Separate your value from the relationship's value. They are two different things.

Do I make sense?

Oh and... hehe lest I forget...

He's a fool and doesn't see a diamond that is evident before others. You'll find someone more your equal in due time.

Answer 3

Lots of people are telling you to move on and find someone new... I'm not saying that won't help, but I think you'd be better off moving the focus from your ex onto yourself. You haven't moved on - why? are there issues that you feel haven't been resolved? face those and deal with those internally. Are there no issues, but you are in a grieving period - that's ok too - let yourself greive over the lost relationship...remember everyone handles things differently, so where going out and filling the empty time with a new hook-up may work for some, it doesn't work for everyone. I would reccommend keeping busy, so that all the energy is focused on you and your needs - take up a hobby, take a college class, exercise...

lastly, remember that you can not control other people's actions... you can only control your own...you don't have to stoop to the same level as your ex since you don't feel it soon enough to date again, but nothing says you have to remain in mourning or be upset about it. I wasted a lot of time worrying about what my ex was or wasn't doing and I found that when I focused that energy on myself, I was happier and more at peace and his actions no longer had any effect on me as they did in the beginning. Good luck!

Answer 4

Rachel, in time the hurt will pass. I guess I hadn't realized how young you were because so many of your answers to questions in other sections show a thought process uncommon in people of a certain age, but then again that could be my own misconception.

Anyway, when someone moves on quickly it is not a reflection of you as a person or your worth, it just means that they moved on faster than you did. It doesn't mean that what you shared wasn't important to them at the time, it just means that they no longer feel the same way, or perhaps he's simply dealing with it in a different way.

I don't know the guy's personality, but you know whether or not they were a "go with the flow" type person or not. Either way, you can't expect others to feel the same way you feel simply because you were in a relationship with them. This applies to friends and families too. Some people take more time to get over things than others. Some see a break-up as an opportunity to do some of the things they weren't able to do before.

Either way, for you it's a brand new start. You are a beautiful person with a great mind and a loving heart, there is someone out there that will appreciate that. When you're young, most men want to experience all that their new found freedom from their parent's rule has to offer. You should do the same. This is the time when you find out what you do and don't like, what you can and can't live with. This is when you find out who you are apart from your parents. Don't be in such a rush to stick to someone else that is also finding out who they are. You may find that you really didn't like them anyway.

Edit: I'm sorry if I seemed to imply teenager, I meant early 20's. I went through what you're going through a few times and have been on both sides of it. Even though I'm only in my early 30's I can look back at myself at certain ages and compare it to what I see in today's early 20's crowd. Most people are still finding themselves at that age, and some don't really know who they are until they're much older than you or I. But from what you wrote, he hasn't reached an age where he's ready to hold on to something good. He doesn't know what something good is, so he's willing to find out what else is out there. He may end up coming back to you further down the line, but by then you may be happy with someone else. I wish you the best, and I promise, you will get over it. Time heals all wounds, and it will heal this one too.

Answer 5

I've been there, and it's not a very fun place to be. I'm sorry. :(

Honestly, I think that rushing into a new relationship is the worst thing you can do - if there are still some residual feelings and issues that haven't been dealt with yet, how could jumping into something else be healthy? Your ex will realize how unhealthy it is himself soon enough.

For now, I would just keep living your own life...spend time with friends and family, take a little trip, read a few books, knit a sweater for someone in NY (lol). Do things that make you happy and allow you to reconnect with yourself - it puts you in a better place to deal with any lingering issues that remain and puts you in an even better position to move on and find a new relationship of your own.

Answer 6

I can relate. The guy I thought was the "love of my life" and I broke up after 6 years together - the last of which was torture. He is seeing someone new, I am not. Initially his moving on was shocking and painful. Then I realized she is stuck with all of his crap and I am not. You actually sound like you are moving in a good direction by being annoyed with his obviously less mature behavior. The only answer is NOT to handle the situation - he's trying to get a rise out of you and it's working. Ignore him. Avoid him. In time, you'll remember his actions now as one more BIG reason he isn't good enough for you. In the meantime, surround yourself with people that love you (and probably think he's a tool) and do whatever it is that makes you happy - or at least less unhappy. Then get ready for the good stuff, because it's right around the corner for you.

Answer 7

Focus on yourself, and on appreciating yourself and the things you enjoy. Don't take what happened personally - I don't mean to belittle your situation (and of course it IS personal), but it happens all the time.

I don't mean to be patronising - the same thing has happened to me several times and the last time it happened, I was deeply hurt for quite some time. What I mean is, don't let your ex's behaviour negatively colour your own self-image, or to make you bitter and overly guarded (I am not suggesting that is the case).

Try to have as many good experiences as you can (whilst not losing control over what you are doing); it really does help to make your last relationship seem longer ago than it would if you focussed on what your ex is doing. That is something over which you can have no control. You might never know his reasons for acting the way he is and it is best to accept that.

Focus on non-romantic love - love for yourself and for your friends and family, and love for things in life for which you have a passion. Focus on other things that can truly put distance between you and your last relationship. It's a cliche, but true nevertheless: time does heal all wounds.

I hope that helps.

Answer 8

Quit paying attention to his actions and work at accepting the fact that it's over. Don't take it so personal. Everything doesn't affect each of us the same way. It's impossible to dictate how someone else might act. It's hard telling what is going on in his mind. Maybe his way of dealing with it is different than yours. Whether right or wrong it's immaterial. We are only responsible for our actions and feelings and it's a waste of time argueing about and ex's actions or feelings. And trying to figure out how could they. Move on.

Answer 9

Boys and girls handle break-ups in different ways. It is kind of like the "To be or not to be..." speech neither is better but they are often so different that it is tough to tell that the other person is hurting just as much as we are. To go out indiscriminately or stay home and sulk, that is the question…

After my GF broke up with me 2 weeks ago my ego was bruised and bleeding. Inside my head a little voice kept saying: I tried my best and failed. I worked hard to make it last, and it was never enough. I was not good enough for her and so she threw me away. I am a failure at being a partner.

What are the stages of acceptance? Denial, I guess I did that while I believed we would stay together. Then comes anger and bargaining!

I went out and started hitting on every girl that showed the slightest interest in talking to me. I frightened them off, sure enough. I even tried coming on to my female friends, and managed to make myself unwelcome for a while.
I had several pity offers, but thankfully I had not lowered my standards that much (this time). My ego is hurt; I need to be DESIRED.

At this stage the man sometimes struts around all puffed out. Last break-up I made sure that when my ex-GF came over to move her stuff out she found me making breakfast for two scantily clad women in what used to be "our bed". I was hurt and angry and wanted my ego boosted while tearing hers down. (The truth is that one was a friend who's BF had left already after a party. I bribed her into being "discovered" in my bed by offering to cook breakfast. The other was a girl I had just met and had slept on the couch; same bribe.)

I like to think I have become more mature since then. I think I am lying to myself.

Answer 10

I rather advice you not to compete dating.Guyz can easily date someone. Guys are sometimes sweet talkers to bait girls.
Don't spend your time thinking of the insults. Actually that's not and insult. That's how a man shows how he cheats her dates. If a man really want to find a true love it is not that easy to just fall in love to someone. You have said that he started dating right away....why so fast? Yeah!To hide or cover up his lost honor in you. He don't want you to see him downgraded.

So, cheer up lady. You're still the winner!

Next time when you love, never stick only to what your heart feels. Remember that sometimes, using your brain is a necessity.