When talking about cancer, why do my friends abandon me?

Question

My brother is dying of cancer. He has a very large cancerous tumor in his abdomen, it didn't respond to chemo. The cancer is very aggressive and my brother is fading fast. When I talk to my friends on the phone or by e-mail, I patiently listen to their stresses and difficulties in life and give them moral support. However, when it comes to me talking about my recent stresses -- my most difficult stress being my sick brother -- they won't listen to me at all. They decide to end the phone call and in e-mails they say nothing. They abandon me. What could be their problem? Are they compassionless? awkward? scared? I find it very frustrating. I have one compassionate friend, but I can't talk to him much because he lives so far away. By the way, I'm not the type who lets it "all hang out" and goes into nitty-gritty details and overwhelms people. I just want to be able to tell my friends a little about it and would like them to just listen for a moment.

Answer 1

in my experience people can' talk about cancer or dying because it makes them face their own mortality. i am sorry to hear that you feel alone and abandoned. i know it is hard enough to go through the death of a loved one without feeling alone. most people don't know what to say so they think that saying nothing is the right thing to do. i wish the best for you and your brother.

Answer 2

I have lost several friends and a family memeber and most people are scared because it can happen to them. I suggest you go t www.oldsouthwinery.com. Also look up "resveratrol aggrawal". The M. D. Anderson Cancer Center has done extensive studies on it and it works on most cancers. The stuff is natural ad made by plant to ward off mold ans stress. The tests show it can defeat most cancers. It can tell the cancer cells to apoptosis and then it also tells the killer cells to get it. There is a 58 pages report by Anderson that shows all the cancers it can cure. You will have to go to google an dput in "resveratrol preclinical and clinical studies". this should pull up up the report. If it will not come up click on the "HTML version".

The Japanese and Chinese have been studing it for a long time. I have a friend that they gave three months to live and he took 3 of 11 chemos and stopped and said the heck with it and started taking this stuff and that was over two years ago.

I am not sure it will work for your brother, but you can buy it at most good health food stores and old south and vitacost.com. Some is made from the root of the knotweed plant and some from the muscadine grape. But I suggest you get some and have your brother try it. If you cannot find the report e-mail me and I will try and sent to you. The stuff works for my friend and the people at Old South have many people swear by it. One fellow got over colon cancer.

The report will show the doctors what pathways of the cancer it will effect and that is important. As my friend said he had nothing to lose and by the grace of God he is still here. Reason no one has heard of it is that they cannot mimick it and sale by the drug companies. google it and look for the 58 page reoport, it is all over the net. If it works on what your brother has, it will knock it out. you can also e-mail Dr. Aggrawal at M. D. Anderson Cancer Center and he will be able to tell you if it will help, I think it is [e-mail]. If not go to Anderson's site. Take care.

Answer 3

I'm not sure of your age, but I don't think that you are an adult. Teenagers don't know how to respond to things of this nature and it probably scares them. So they would rather not talk about it. You need to find someone that is dealing with the same type of situation and that is older. I'm so sorry about your brother. Your friends just don't understand. But don't let your brothers condition consume your life. I know that you love him very dearly, but you have to learn to be there for him but you also have to live your life too. Don't mean to sound harsh but your life cant end because of the situation. Maybe your friends feel as if this is all you talk about. Talk to your brother about his feelings and be there for him. He needs all the support you can give him. God Bless!

Answer 4

A lot of younger people dont know much if anything about cancer. Some people have never had a family member with cancer, or were highly shielded from the effects.

People are soo scared that they have cancer themsleves.

In the end, people just dont know how to deal with their own fears and feelings. I had this problem with my adult friends. Ive been dealing for 3 years, and only have a handful of friends that are willing to come to the hosp or sit and listen to me about it

Answer 5

I understand what you're feeling. My mom was recently diagnosed with a serious bone marrow disease that progresses to leukemia. I am so stressed over it. Everyone seems to blow me off or change the subject when I talk about it. Guess they just don't understand the emotional pain this causes! Hang in there and keep your head up if you can. Everything happens for a reason the hard part is figuring out what that reason is! I'll keep you in my prayers.

Answer 6

There are a lot of people who cannot deal with death and dying and avoid any discussion of this. It is too intimidating to them and they don't know what to say. I had this happen to me in the past too. I ended up developing other friendships that were more in line with my thinking. Consider joining a support group where it is okay to talk about these things. You might check with the American Cancer Society. They may know where all the groups are and their times.

Answer 7

First let me say I am SO sorry to hear about your brother. If you need to talk please feel free to reach out to one of us here that knows what it is to go through this horrible disease or lose a loved one to it.

I lost my Dad to cancer 5 months before I was diagnosed with it too. Oh the irony of it all I thought. That was 5 years ago & I found a lot of friends & almost ALL of my family just wanted to avoid the topic all together.

It's like trying to pretend a big pink elephant in the middle of the room isn't really there. You see it, you know it's there but it's uncomfortable to talk about ones mortality for most folks, So they run away to avoid it. Sometimes you just need someone to listen, to vent, to validate your feelings on that day.

I came to terms with it, cried some days,joked about it on the good days...hey I can really say what I want to now because time is running out & I need to get in all the things I meant to say before it's too late.

I even made notes..tell so & so this or that, make sure to box up & label what family treasures I wanted my kids to have so they didn't have to deal with it later...It was just my way.

I wanted to share my deepest thoughts, concerns, wishes before it was too late. But guess what? My daughter just said to me "Oh, hush mama you're NOT going to die & that is that! I don't want to talk about it anymore." We never did, and she didn't visit often like I thought she would either. Neither did my son. Everyone deals with it as best they can.

There are online support groups for family & sometimes a stranger can be just the one with the answer you seek.


I wish you Peace & hope you will contact me or someone to talk with soon.

Answer 8

oh sweetie how horrible for you, please try not to be too mad with your friends, they probably just don't know what to say, they know that your brother is going to pass away and they do not know how to react to this and do not want to upset you by saying the wrong thing, when my mum was dying i did not see my friends that often and they always seemed to avoid the important conversations i needed to have with them, but most of my friends had never lost anyone close to them and told me after i had a go at them one day that they felt helpless seeing me go through all the pain and they didn't know how to help me so they thought it best to give me space and avoid talking about my mum, i am sure this is the case with your friends they just do not know how to help ease your pain so they avoid the subject of your brother, but as with my friends i am sure when you really need them they will be there for you showing you love and support, they are thinking of you and love you very much, keep your chin up and be strong, big hugs to you, i wish you and your family all the best.

Answer 9

you shouldn't expect regular people to understand , you need to talk to people who are in your situation,or are around death every day,or are professional grief concealers and psychologists

were i live for the last 14 years 230 people died so I'm use to death of many kinds

were as your friend who care about you , ma be to afraid of there own dead, or afraid they will say the wrong thing to you, or they just [ dont know what to say] so they stop talking.

suggest you find people that know about the subject to talk to...and let your friends comfort you the best they can

Answer 10

It's denial. They see your brother, and it reminds them it could be one of them.

Isn't it amazing! When someone gets cancer, their friends all say,. : if there's anything I can do."" Ask them for $ 100.00, they'll race each other to reach for their wallets. but when it comes to giving of their time, or just being there,...'what can I add.

I know your feeling.. My cousin's wife died Tues night, ( leukemia), my wife had cancer, my dad had cancer, My colon is a polyp factory, my friend had leukemia, so I'm no stranger to it.
I know what you're going through. Peace be with you.