I had just found out my mother was cheating on my dad. i havent talked to her in a month. How do I?

Question

When i found out, i went off on my mom, calling her all sorts of names, i was upset, i felt lied to, my dad is my stepdad, but he has been there for me since i was 3 yrs old. I had the upmost respect for my mother until this happened. and now i dont have the nerve to talk to her as i have so much hatred for what she did. The reason she gave was that my dad hasnt worked in a 1yr, to me that is not an excuse at all, you dont go cheat on your husband of 20 years just because he doesnt have a job. Please help me bring my family back together.

Answer 1

You're in a tough situation, and my heart goes out to you.

Cheating hurts so many people, and many times, the same person in various ways. (Like with you, you hurt for the betrayal of your stepdad, and you hurt because you trusted in your mom's integrity.) This includes the cheater. Remember your mom is hurting too.

It is never "right" and it is always a decision one makes in the end. Your mom was not right for what she did, but as you grow up and go through things, you can come to understand a little better that people make rotten mistakes, stupid mistakes, things you yourself would never do. However, to dwell on hating them for it for the sake of punishing them helps no one. You have to give her a chance to redeem herself (and she should make the wrong right, as should anyone) for your own sake, and you might have to accept that it's over and done now, and you have to move on.

My guess is that this situation with Dad's job has been hard on them (and you probably don't even know all of it because life behind closed doors of a relationship is rarely what others see), and your Mom needed something your dad couldn't/wouldn't give. It doesn't excuse it, but to understand why will help you heal.

It won't be easy. I don't know what the state is now between your two parents, (is Dad trying to forgive? Are they fighting about it? Silent? etc.), but it may call for family counseling to get through this well. Cheating is never right, but more often than not, it is a symptom of a diseased relationship, and that "illness" has to be addressed as well as the aftermath (the affair) to truly be able to move on from this.

In day to day life, take baby steps with Mom. Maybe even have a heart to heart. Say, "I am having a hard time dealing with what you did. I don't understand...I don't agree... (whatever you feel). It makes it hard for me to be close to you, or even be with you much right now. I need...(tell her whatever you need, like space, or explanation, etc.)." Hopefully, she will be able to talk to you about it, and respect your needs. You can work through some sort of way to communicate together. However, don't go into this talk expecting to feel all better though. You will be sorely disappointed. At this point, you are just looking for a way to be able to face each other again. Full understanding so that you feel "okay" about it all, if ever, will come later.

My heart goes out to all of you.

Answer 2

Ooo i am soo verry sorry this is happening to your family. There is probably something going on that you are not aware of, maybe she isn't aware of it either. It will be very hard, but to keep your family together you might want to consider not being mad at your mom. I am sure that she has enough guilt. Have you ever done something really wrong, you feel bad about it right. Well if you get yelled at it only gets worse. Try to help your mother through this rough time. Be there for her if she needs you. This will show her that you want the family to be a sucess. You should talk to her (calmly) and let her know that her decisions do not only affect her life, but yours as well. Tell her that you are willing to help her. Maybe suggest that your mom and dad see a counselor. A counselor can not solve everything, but can help to get to the real reason of why your mother went out of the relationship. This should help your parents, at least to be on the same page if nothing else. Sometimes, marriages break up and i would hate to have that happen to your family. If this does happen i am sure your dad will still be your dad... he raised you. Try not to put soo much pressure on your mom as i am sure she is doing enough of that by herself. Be loving and gentle and forgiving. All will work out.
Good luck! email me if you need anything at [e-mail]

Answer 3

Of course it is distressing when the people you care about seem to be hurting each other and you don't know how to help.

But the truth is, no-one ever knows all the facts about what goes on in someone else's marriage.

You really have no right questioning your mother, or holding a view of what she did.

She is your mother and as long as she treats you right as her child, that is her duty to you.

What is between her and her husband is none of your business, unless there is abuse.

Kids caught between two people they love in this situation often feel it is up to them to hold the family together, but that's not so. This is NOT your responsibility!

I have put some links below to places where you can talk anonymously to experienced people who can help you work out the best thing for you to do, and ways to look after yourself while all this is going on.

People don't often break up a perfectly good marriage, there is usually some underlying cause. Your mother has given you one reason, there may be more, and she is doubtless suffering herself. As well, your loving stepfather is having a difficult time.

Being angry and judgemental will not help ... but understanding and patience might.

Please contact one of the links and talk about this with someone who knows what it's like to be in your shoes ...

Very best wishes :-)

Answer 4

well, i had the same thing happen to me....my mom cheated on my father and they had been married for 24 years...it is very hard to understand...this happened when i was 15 and i was very angry at my mother. She gave us some lame excuses to but I;m sure it was a lot deeper than what she had told us. Honestly after my parents did divorce they were both much happier so now that i am older im kinda glad they did......well i wish u luck...my mom and i have a great relationshhip now...hopefully u will have the same

Answer 5

Man this is heavy on your heart. Your mom made a horrible choice in her life, for whatever reason she has. You can't change what happened or why it happened. All you can do is find a way to work it out in your heart. She is still your mom, and you only got one. Try to find forgiveness in your heart for her and try to remember all the good she did for you. I know one mistake like this by a parent is hard to deal with, but its happened. Are you going to stay away from your mom because of a bad choice she made? I'm sure she didn't push you away when you made a bad choice she didn't like. Don't push her away try going to a family counseling to be able to deal with this life changing event. Life is to short to be holding on to anger. When we loose the ones we love, there is no going back to say "I love you" Good luck and God bless

Answer 6

Only they together can bring themselves back together. It is not your responsibility. It was wrong what your mom did and your dad is also wrong. Believe it or not, your dad has somehow neglected your mom's needs from her husband. She may have communicated this to him and he may have failed to correct the situation. Regardless of what happened, it is unlikely you will know the entire truth of what was going on with their relationship. Obviously, your dad being out of a job has hurt you both and your mom's cheating has also hurt you both. Learn from their mistakes and ask them to work things out for your sake and theirs. Then love them as they would love you if you made such a big mistake.

Answer 7

yeah that stinks , i'm sorry ... some people deal with stress differently then others, maybe she was frustrated and stressed and felt like it was his fault and in a moment of weakness turned to someone else for support since she felt like she could no longer rely on him. the lack of money can cause lots of problems.
i am not in any way justifying her actions, but i am sure whatever the case she still loves you and i think even if it is hard to mend you should try to salvage what is left of your relationship... you only have one mom. and every one makes mistakes.

Answer 8

i am sorry you are going through this but your mother needs to tell your dad not you. you need to tell her you are sorry for the things you sad but you are up sat with her for cheating. there is never a good reason th cheat.tell her if she does not Tell our dad in a certain amoint of time than ou will. hopefully your mother will do the right thing. nut you need to get talking to your mom again. you can be mad and up sat for what she did but she is still your mom and you will be up sat if something was to happen and that fight was the last thing you remember about her.

Answer 9

Better be pursuasive than blaming,may be its an excuse n this temporary cheating may not be that serious9but u hve ti accept) dont make her concious n dont discuss it on internet. Its a difficult situation n one has to handle it properly/ n should be attended to by pursuation .Times hve changed difficult situation .

Answer 10

The only one that can help them is God. They have to
re-establish their marriage on a strong spiritual foundation.
They both have to seek the Lord whole-heartedly.
All you can do is pray for them. -Your prayers will be heard. Don't hate or resent your mother because of her poor choice. Hate the sin.
Maybe you can try to offer them to go to a Christian Church with you. They have to want to make it work.

In the Bible, it says;

Matthew 7 - The Wise and Foolish Builders (NIV)
24"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

and again in,

Luke 6 - The Wise and Foolish Builders (NIV)
46"Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say? 47I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. 48He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. 49But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete."

I will also say a prayer for them and for you to open your heart to the Lord and find forgiveness. -God Bless.