Okay, there's a lot of backstory here. I have two sisters, we're all close in age, but they've always been especially close. I'm actually okay with that. I was off doing my own thing that they weren't interested in, and that was fine while we were growing up. After I graduated, I went off to college, instead of staying home, and my mom, dad and sisters decided that must mean I no longer want to be a first-class member of the family. My parents were separated for months before they so much as told me, and they only told me because they were about four hours away from having me show up over a weekend and seeing that Dad no longer lived there. God knows how long they would have let me stay in the dark there.
Fast forward ten years. After living out of state because my husband was transferred, we're back, and I don't know, I guess I thought since I live FIVE FREAKING MINUTES from my sisters and mom, they would include me if they go to lunch or go shopping or whatever.
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2007-11-01 16:18:48 · 8 answers · asked by CrazyChick 7 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
That was not the case, though, because apparently, having gone off to college, and later having moved out of state when my husband was transferred, they figure I don't want them to include me.
And they get pissy when I have tried to say something about it.
I don't want them to invite me to join them just because I bugged them about it, but it's really pissing me off that they act like it DOESN'T happen, and I SHOULDN'T be bothered by it. My sister told me tonight that "she can't help it if she calls (my other sister) every day and only calls me maybe once every few months." The hell she can't! You pick up the phone, and dial the number.
Don't try to give me advice about how to make them include me, it's been this way for thirty years and I don't think it's going to change.
But is it okay for me to be upset about it, and am I right when I think it's unbelievably rude and insulting to have them say it either doesn't happen or that I have no right to be upset about it?
2007-11-01 16:23:18 · update #1
Aaaaand.. she totally missed the point.
Okay, I speak to my mom and dad. That's not what this is about.
This is about the fact that now that I'm TRYING to be a part of the family (and I don't think moving away should have been taken as me "signing out" of the family to begin with), they feel that since they haven't had to include me for all those years, it shouldn't bother me that they go shopping together or hang out together or go out for lunch once a week.
Apparently, it's unreasonable for me to think that they may occasionally want to include me.
And I have often called them and they are just too busy to talk or get together. I actually called one of my sisters once a few months ago to see if she wanted to get something for lunch one day that week, and she told me she had to work. I ran into her, my mom, and my other sister at the mall.
2007-11-01 16:32:57 · update #2
Once again, the question is not "what should I do?"
It is "Is it unreasonable that it would bother me, and is it rude for them to tell me I SHOULDN'T be bothered by it?"
2007-11-01 16:35:48 · update #3
Once again, the question is not "what should I do?"
It is "Is it unreasonable that it would bother me, and is it rude for them to tell me I SHOULDN'T be bothered by it?"
2007-11-01 16:35:49 · update #4
You ALWAYS have a right to feel whatever you feel. You feel what you feel, and that is a hard thing to control sometimes.
I am an only child so I don't know what it's like from your perspective, but I often feel the same in similar situations.
Like with my aunts, uncles and cousins... I try to include them in things because over the years we have all drifted apart. One being my wedding. Most of them didn't bother to show up, or even RSVP, or even send a card... or anything... It hurt my feelings enough where I am ready to just write them ALL off. WHen my son was born, I had ZERO phone calls, cards, visits from any of my relatives, other than my mom and grandma.
On the other hand ALL of my husband's Aunts, Uncles, cousins, great aunts, second cousins, even his grandma's cousins sent cards, gifts, visited, or in some way acknowledged and congratulated us on both occasions. I am glad my son will have his dad's side of the family because my family will mostly be strangers to him.
At work, I ALWAYS feel left out. People go to lunch together, talk about various things, etc. But I have nothing in common with any of them. I am in a different role here. I am the Administrative Assistant and they are all financial advisors. They are nice to me, but I still feel like the odd man out.
My ex was one of 8 kids. He was in the military for 10 years so he was not only out of state, he was out of the country. His family was close. I think he felt like you did when he returned. But what I observed was that he somehow turned it around and became the social leader in most cases and that feeling went away. It was extremely important to him to be close to his siblings. So what he did was he would drop by their house (unannounced!), which I would have never done. He would organize a gathering... like a BBQ at his house, football games at his house, or getting everyone in his HUGE Escalade to go watch fireworks on the fourth of July. Before you knew it they were all calling OUR house to see what was going on. They were a nutty bunch, but did have a few redeeming qualities here and there.
So my point, I guess, is that you are absolutely entitled to your feelings... the tricky part is what to do with those feelings.
I don't always do the right thing in those situations. I tend to stew quietly and say it doesn't bother me, but it does. Others look for ways to change the situation so that they won't have to feel upset.
So the next time someone tells you that you shouldn't be upset, remind them that you are entitled to your feelings.
And as far as what to do about it, that's up to you...
2007-11-02 02:34:17 · answer #1 · answered by Proud Momma 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Honey, if it's been 30 years, I don't think anything is going to change.
It actually sounds to me as if your family is a little jealous or resentful of the fact that you acturally had the guts to go out and make a life for yourself.
You can't make them include you in stuff, but you can invite them to join you. Whether it's for a holiday dinner or any other occasion, just invite them. If they don't show, then you are on your own.
I have similiar situation in my family. Part of the family wants to be around a "certain person" and the other half doesn't. I finally just quit inviting the half that doesn't want to be around that "certain person" because I love that person and want to spend time with him.
As far as I'm concerned, the rest of the family made their choice and it's their loss.
Good luck
2007-11-01 23:40:05 · answer #2 · answered by gail s 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
the best way to do it is straight forward ask them and I dont mean one or the other I MEAN ALL OF THEM what is the problem they seem to be having with you,(guessing here) is it because you moved away and then came back and they feel you are no longer close to them, (guessing here again) could it be they feel you have changed and they dont know how to react. (again with the guessing here) have you grown so far apart they dont know how to find a solution to fix the problem? (again with guessing) have you ever thought to invite them to your home when you moved to another state and they feel like they were left out of your life? here is a few guesses from what I read (has any of them ever been to college? do they feel that you think them inferior, if they didnt go?) the possibilities is endless as to why but the solution really is to straight out look in the face and ask what the problem is!!!! Best of Luck
2007-11-01 23:45:40 · answer #3 · answered by Lynn 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
They have been this way for 30 years I doubt they are going to change now. You have to put that behind you and redevelop a new friendship as if they are new people you just met.
they really dint see your problem. it is really rude of them
but they are stuck in their routine and may even be jealous of the fact you left and had new adventures.( how dare you)lol
forget the sister have fun with mom separately.
2007-11-01 23:34:12 · answer #4 · answered by gramahappy 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
My advise to you is to ignore your siblings and re-establish your relationship with your folks to get the answers you need first hand. You don't need to go through your siblings for answers about whats going on with the family. -Go straight to the source. It will take effort on your part. Keep in contact with your folks. That is all that matters.
(UNLESS YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE CHICKS THAT LIKE DRAMA)
2007-11-01 23:24:34 · answer #5 · answered by †Evonne† 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Yes, it's reasonable that it bothers you. But you're the only one it bothers, and it doesn't look like it's going to change, so please, for your own sake....let it go.
2007-11-01 23:41:52 · answer #6 · answered by justme 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I WOULD ACT LIKE IT DIDN'T BOTHER ME. GET A FRIEND AND START DOING THINGS WITH THEM, THEN THEY WILL GET NOSY AND COME AROUND WANTING TO KNOW WHATS GOING ON AND WHY YOUR SO HAPPY. KILL WITH KINDNESS
2007-11-01 23:32:59 · answer #7 · answered by tucky1225 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I think Evonne and tucky have a point.
2007-11-01 23:34:51 · answer #8 · answered by Irene 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋