so, i have been with my guy since i was 13 and he was 15(now 23 and 25). we barely talk or see each other. we both work full time and go to school. i recently moved back home to focus on school, now i see him less. he won't make any commitments or promises about the future. i just wanna be happy. i don't wanna wake up at 40 and hate myself for staying so long. i adore him and wanna be with him for life. i don't know if i stay cuz its comfortable and safe or why else. i'm afraid nobody else will love me. help i'm so torn!
2007-11-01 15:24:05 · 41 answers · asked by annie 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
First... let me say congratz for staying together for 10 years... that's longer than many marriages today. (Do keep in mind that not all relationships result with marriage... my uncle and aunt have been together for 25+ years and are not married but are VERY happy together...so happiness of the couple depends on the individual's ideas of commitment and what the goal of the couple is.)
Second, girl... if you want a ring, then do what makes you happy, if he's the man you can see yourself with for the rest of your life, and he makes you happy, then tell him you think it's time to get more serious...
Third: What does your gut tell you about him not being able to see you as often as you like?... Have you talked to him about it?
Fourth: And I adore you for wanting to stay with this man, but I believe the primary reason why you feel that "nobody else will love me," is probably because you haven't had the chance to date since you two were together for so long and started dating so young. Anyone's whos been single knows that there's always more "fish" in the sea... and trust me honey, it took me a while before I found the one I'm with...
Fifth: Concentrate on you, do what makes you happy, and remember... if you're not happy in a relationship, life is too short to do that, and if the person loves you, then they'd try their best to make you happy as much as you do for them.
Good Luck =).
2007-11-01 15:34:05 · answer #1 · answered by WoWChick 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes - leave him - study hard - meet new friends (romantic or not) - spend less time hanging onto your fantasy of your relationship with him.
At this point, he is the only thing you even know - you need to get out from under his influence - for your own good and growth.
If you really like him - and are drawn back to him eventually - great, your love will have conquered all. If, however, he drifts away and meets someone new - and you realize that you like yourself and your new life without being burdened by your expectation of a relationship with him - then you won't miss him anyways - and will be happier in the long run.
Either way -you win. Since you are in school - and focusing on something else -just tell him that you don't have time for a relationship - and don't want to put so much effort into sustaining what has become a boring non-relationship for now.
Good luck.
2007-11-01 15:30:34 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You sound very much like myself. I was with my bf since we were 18 and I was totally in love with him. Shortly after my 25th birthday I left him. Why? 7 years of no solid committment regarding marriage, he never wanted to talk about kids, we lived together and he seemed happy with the arrangement. I want more, I want marriage, I want kids. Funny thing, when I was 23 I left him for 3 months then came back to him because I was afraid of being alone and he was my comfy place. BIGGEST MISTAKE i ever made. I ended up being totally miserable, regretting going back, and shortly after leaving him when I turned 25 I met the most amazing guy that opened up my eyes to what life can really be about. I just wish I had left him when I was 23.
Its a choice you need to make. Its hard, and all I can say is if you are going to leave him and you feel in your heart he wont make you happy for years to come, go while you are still young. Dont be afraid about nobody else loving you. Dont let him tell you that either. I thought the same thing, but life goes on and you will find love again.
2007-11-01 15:30:24 · answer #3 · answered by Sad Girl 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes we all have to be a little selfish, you're at an age where you're thinking of your future, i.e. marriage - kids - career.
I say that you have a talk with him about it, you are absolutely right, if you're afraid of waking up and being 40 and still being in a 30+ year relationship with the same man with NO commitments, you'll definitely hate yourself. I think when you bring this up to your boyfriend, you should tell him that. Tell him you're not wanting a ring right now or next month or next year even, but you'd like to know that the things you want in this relationship go hand-in-hand with the things he wants. There's really no sense in staying in a relationship when the both of you want different things. Why sacrifice the things you want for some guy who just makes you unhappy?
You've been in a 10 year relationship - of course you're scared of breaking out on your own and starting over, it'd have to be hard. You spent your entire adolescent life when most girls were figuring out the dating scene and who they are and such with the same guy, in the same relationship - so really you'll have to begin again. But don't be scared, you're still at an age where it's fun to get out there and party and meet new guys and new people and go on dates and stuff. Wait till you try it at 27 or 40, it's very different actually.
So, I say if you love him and want to stay with him and make it work - then talk to him and tell him your feelings and what you want. Like I said, tell him that you're not wanting him to give you a ring or propose anytime soon but you'd just like to know that it's in the future, that it's what you both are working toward and moving forward to. If he can't give you that then... I say move on. Life is way too short to spend on someone who won't make you 100% happy.
2007-11-01 15:34:10 · answer #4 · answered by BadWolf 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you've gone this long without any plans for the future... then there probably aren't going to be any. I suggest you go to him, tell him that you want to either figure out the future in regards to your relationship, and is he refuses, then break up with him. But, think about it hard before you do. Is he still the person you love? Think about it objectively, think about his actions, etc. Do you really want to live the rest of your life with someone who can't make a commitment to anything? He isn't going to change now, and it'll probably get worse as you're married to him, so, if I were you, I would get out of that relationship. You've still got a long life, and you WILL have plenty of chances for romance, even if you feel you won't now. You seem very sweet, so try and find someone who will appreciate you more. Good luck!
2007-11-01 15:33:02 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I want to assure you that this happens in committed relationships also. The relationship doesn't keep the spark going by itself. Age old advice is to purposely set time aside to spend with each other to nurse the dying embers back to a flame.
If you have time to ponder regrets, then you have time to plan some special time away. If your boyfriend is not interested in rebuilding the romantic attraction and bond, then this may be time to start the next chapter in your life.
Never, never stay in a relationship because you are afraid no one else will love you. There is no strength in a relationship like that.
2007-11-01 15:40:59 · answer #6 · answered by bin there dun that 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No one can tell you what to do without being extremely familiar with your particular situation. What I can tell you is that being afraid no one else will love you is a horrible reason to stay with someone. Also, you have to do what makes you happy. If being with him makes you happy stay. If being single would make you happier leave. If you don't know maybe you need to take a break and spend some time alone to get your head straight on the matter and decide what you want. Either way, best of luck.
2007-11-01 15:29:14 · answer #7 · answered by slice_n_hook@yahoo.com 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i agree with the first answer, that you should bring this up to him. if you are considering leaving him anyway than you have nothing to lose. maybe tell him that you want to see this relationship mature and that you feel that it's become stagnant and "safe." you deserve a committment because at this age, you both ( if traditionally minded ) should start thinking about settling down and starting a family and he has obviously not shown any inclination of wanting that.
i feel like you're really fed up with it and i personally think you might be at a time for an ultamadum. take it or leave it, ya know?
you need to get what you want out of life and no matter how much you love him, if he is not helping you achieve what you need than he is not right for you.
good luck and best wishes.
2007-11-01 15:30:34 · answer #8 · answered by prettyenoughforyou 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to be true to you. this is a question that Nobody can answer for you. Just advice you. If you are truly and sincerely unhappy you have to do whatever you have to do to be happy. In order for your life to be happy and have the people around you happy, you must be happy with yourself and your own life. no matter what you choose to do there will be that stage if time where you wonder what if? If you choose to leave you'll wonder if you should have stayed. If stay and get more involved you will wonder if you should have left when you had that chance.
2007-11-01 15:30:38 · answer #9 · answered by Amber A 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was you ! I am now 44 and only been married 4 years. and not to mr wrong from 1981 either! I finally realized that we were comfortable and using each other as safety nets. it takes a very brave person to admit to ones self that you have grown into different people.alot of people stay in relationships because they are scared. take time to heal if you split and know someone who wants to commit to you is out there!
2007-11-01 15:32:13 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋