My sister is pushing her family asside for her married live in boyfriend?

Question

I do not condone what my sister is doing. I tried to support her and be positive and tried to get her to look from the outside of the box when it comes to her married-live-in-boyfriend. He says that his intentions are to get a divorce. That's been since June. I truly don't think he is going to and I have a funny feeling that he doesn't have good intentions with my sister. Can't make her see that though. Even when she asks for advice. She just basically blows it out the window. Her boyfriend comes first and then her kids and then the rest of us. My birthday past, my son's birthday past and she forgot. No card either. She hasn't given me a birthday card in four years. She hasn't done anything for my son since he was born either. I'm tired of being the conscience one when it comes to her birthday and holidays. Her excuse is, "i'm too busy", or "i haven't had the time". That's a bunch of hog wash because she goes to WalMart almost every day. No kidding. To be cont....

So I know she could go to the card section and get one. There's always an excuse for her. Now because my mom and dad won't go see her for Thanksgiving because they do not support what she is doing with her married boyfriend, nor do they like being over there because both of them are heavey smokers and the house smells like an ash tray. My sister asked for my mom's advice and now she is being spiteful and saying that she is not going to have anything else to do with her because of her non support of her boyfriend and her living arrangements, and because she won't be there for Thanksgiving. My mom did offer for them to come to their house, but my sister is adament that she wants the holiday at hers. My question is, with my sister being the way she is, always busy, can never find time to send cards for birthdays, or holidays, what am I to do? I'm not spiteful, but I"m tired of being the conscience one of birthdays and holidays with her. Why can't she consider me and my family? And others?

The Planet Aphasia: Yes he is controlling, but he isn't stopping her from buying cards etc. She was doing this before he came in the picture. Good thinking though. :-)

indigogr.: Very well said my friend. And very kind. Thank you.

Al B: Very well said my cyber friend. And thank you for pin pointing that she may have self esteem problems which you are indeed correct on that. She may be doing this because she doesn't think she deserves any better. And she is blowing off the people who are not supporting her mistakes. You're right on the money there.

Answer 1

Sounds like your sister is pushing you and your family away because deep down she knows that what she is doing is wrong, and as long as you all are in the picture she has a constant reminder of her wrongdoing. But here's the other thing: As long as you keep telling her that what she is doing is wrong, which it is, she will resist you. It's kind of adolescent, but many people actually enjoy rebelling.

I think it is time to let go--in love. Time to let her face the consequences of her own behavior. It may take a while, but this cannot go on forever. When she bottoms out emotionally or finally wakes up she is going to be in a lot of pain and will need a loving family member to help her sort it all through and pick up the pieces of what is left of her life.

Again, trying to control her will only make things worse. It looks like she will have to learn this big life lesson the hard way.

Keep her in your prayers, but whatever you do let go and let God. Your sister is responsible for herself and for her own choices however tragic. Let her know you love her, but that you love her enough not to support her destructive behavior.

Answer 2

I think your sister must be living with my friend's husband. She's been begging him to sign the divorce papers for four years. I don't think he wants to give her the divorce because then his live-in girlfriend would probably want to get married. This way, he can have his cake and eat it too.

Your sister is going to have to learn the hard way whether or not the boyfriend is a loser. You can't help her see that. Keep the lines of communication open and someday she may come back to caring about her extended family. In the meantime, don't stop sending her kids cards. No reason to punish them for your dispute with their mother.

Any chance he's so controlling he won't let her spend money on cards and gifts?

Answer 3

Obviously she is an adult. She has made her bed, no pun intended, let her sleep in it. Cut your self off of her. Be there when she needs you. He, the married boy friend, is getting his cake and eating it too. As long as he does not sign his divorce papers he has no alimony or child support. He can also use your sister's money along with his. He is what is scientifically called a p*ick. I would not have them over for Thanksgiving because you and your mother are too busy for that many people. You can't go to her house because you discovered on your last physical that you allergic to cigarette smoke. Just write them off.

When he hurts her enough, it may be physical or mental abuse, and she cannot stand it enough she will come to you for help. They you can open your arms to her. She can never leave your heart. Be patient, good things come to people who wait. By the way my heart goes with you.

Answer 4

You can't blame her behavior on the boyfriend, he's only been there since June. She's been neglecting the birthdays and your son for years. Nothing you can do to change her or help her grow up. Enjoy your Thanksgiving without her, and don't let the petty little things get you down.

Answer 5

Some people just have a bad memory for birthdays and stuff. Just reminder her that they're coming up ahead of time. And as far as the boyfriend thing goes, to be frank, that's not any of your business. It's her life, not yours. Unless he's hitting her or putting her in danger in some way, keep out of it.

Answer 6

she may be suffering from lack of self esteem to be putting up with a married man. although it sounds harsh - and is harsh - perhaps the best thing would be to get social services involved - she doesn't need to know who called them - and perhaps if she looses the kids she may wake up and get her priorities straight. If she asks for advice, she is asking for someone to support the mistakes she is making and blowing the person giving the advice off when it is not what she wants to hear.
If you can get her to go out with you, just the two of you, concentrate on raising her self esteem and you may find that she will make the decision on her own to dump this guy and find someone else. I hope that you can get her to realize that she will have a hard life ahead of her if she keeps up the way she is. Good Luck to you, and to her.

Answer 7

Your sister sounds like an unfit mother. I would call Social Service and have her investigated. The smoking sounds gross. The children need to be in a safe environment with someone who can care for them properly and love them.

Your sister is selfish and self-centered and you are not going to change her. The birthdays are the least of it. These children need help and need it now. It is against the law in most states for a woman to live under the same roof with a man she is sleeping with while there are children in the home----not to even to mention he is married to someone else. The children can be removed for this.
Do you want to take responsibility for th children? I hope so. They need your help. Maybe your mother could take them to keep them safe. Please save them from this horror lifestyle.

Answer 8

You need to pray for your sister. She has evidently been led astray by this guy and won't listen to reason. Remember, sometimes when we try to help those we love and they refuse to listen, experience is the best teacher of all, even if it is painful. God bless you!!!