How do I talk my husband into helping out with our children?

Question

When he comes home all he wants to do is spend time with me. And yes i think its sweet and I know he loves me by this action and am greatful for it and him. But when I've heard them yelling, bickering, and just being brats all day or when I get home from work. Im ready to pull my hair out... I dont want to be around them any more..lol i still love them but at times I just need a break and I think when he comes home he could help out with the lil problems the kids may have.. then I can be a better mom an wife.
He shuts his bedroom door turns on tv or talks to me.. kids want his attention too, but seriously he wont give it to them.
And yes they are his biological children 3 girls, 16 11 an 7.
When they have a problem, they dont even go to him, they come straight to me. I know why, cuz if they go to him he gives some smart a** answer and basically says leave me alone.. It sucks to see my kids be hurt by this. Makes me not want to be close to him. He's just pushing us away.

We are divorce, seperated one year and before the divorce was final we got back together (were still going through with the divorce)..This was a huge part of why we got divorced. This behavior made me back away from him and side with the kids and want to just do things on my own rather than beg him to be a part of anything-finally I just gave up.

This time weve decided to be a unity. But it seems Im the only one keeping my end of the deal.

Answer 1

Wow, that is really unfortunate and I am sorry for you and especially your girls. Unfortunately, I don't think he will change. He knows the reason why you divorced but STILL is not willing to change.......for some reason he sound like he resents his kids, most likely he is jealous of your relationship with them. He needs serious professional help.

Answer 2

You have been letting him slide all this time?
Aren't these girls in school all day? At 16 and 11, those girls should be able to run a house. The older one should know everything there is to know about housework, cooking and cleaning. She should be doing at least 1/4 of the chores.
He sounds real drepressed. Don't let him go untreated.
When you come home and your husband comes home, sit down with him, and tell him ONE TIME
You and I have 3 daughters. I have been raising them, doing all the housework and I am fed UP with you being unavailable all the time! We do appreciate your financial contribution, but it is not enough. We need YOU!
It is time for him to step up and FATHER his girls.
Give him a list of what you want him to do.(For instance:
Help with dinner 2 days a week.(TAKE out, or cook or clean up-he gets to pick.)
Put away your own clothes.
PLAY/TALK WITH kids every day.No smart a** answers, no sarcasm. Real listening.
He must plug into his mission or you are going to go to marriage counselling to learn how to deal with living without a mate.
Just because he is nice to you--how can you think it is ok for him to ignore your children--he is rejecting you, too.
You need a partner in raising the children you both made-not a lazy, depressed, unavailable jerk who brings home a paycheck.
If he doesn't step up the same DAY you have this chat, apologizing to his girls for ignoring them, go to marriage counselling. If he won't go, go anyway.
You do not have a marriage, you have a paycheck.
If you insist that he go to the doctor, and get screened for depression, you might even save his life.

Answer 3

I had a very similar issue. I am a stay-at-home-mom. The reality is that your husband has about four hours in the evening. You are able to scrape out a few moments for yourself throughout the day. He is at work. My husband has time to himself at two points diring the day- when he is on the train. I have all day while my kids are in school and while I am busy, I can sit down and read or decompress in some way. I don't know that my husband has that. So- when he comes home he wants to decompress. I see his need for that but at the same time, my "perfect family fantasy" can take over and I can become concerned that my kids don't see him enough, that he is not involved, etc. So, here is the solution: step away from the fantasy. When I did this, I realized a few things. I realized that my kid's perception of their father came from me. I am there all day. Once I started drawing their attention to how hard he works, how his sense of providership is a big way that he lets us know how he feels about us, how fortunate we are to have the things that we do-my kids became much more positive about him. I was doing damaging PR. I also realized that I was forcing my husband into time that my kids needed for homework and other things. They didn't necessarily need to be with him when I was pushing everyone together. It's a different kind of relationship. It doesn't have to be the same as your realtionship with the kids. You are a partnership and together you provide what your children need. Do not belittle his contribution because he doesn't do what you do. You don't do what he does. It's a parenting package that you give to your kids- one thing. I think that it is important to sit down to dinner together. Also, my husband will take my kids individually to dinner. It is relaxing for him and the conversations tend to be great. Let your husband be himself. If he wants help that's another story. If you push him, the kids will side with him and see you as controling. Not to put all the owness on the woman, but it is a relationship that can be shaped very much by what you say. If your husband wants more time with you, that is great. I would suggest texting him dirty things during the day. You could even send pictures. That way he will feel like he is with you all day and may see that as a way of creating more time where he thought it didn't exist. I realized that I was lonely and needed to do some things for myself so that I didn't need for so much to come from him. Deciding to be sexier with him made a huge difference. He started to find ways to come home earlier and started to send flowers- all the things that I wanted.

I have said this in other posts- ALL YOUR HUSBAND WANTS IS FOR YOU TO JUST BE NICE TO HIM.

You will get what you give.

Answer 4

I'm really sorry that you're going through that. In all honesty, it sounds like my father. And no amount of talking or begging or screaming can change a person like that. He can only make the decision himself. But maybe you can help open his eyes to what it is that he's doing. Family counseling can be helpful, or you might try doing a family night once a week and let him see what he's missing out on by ignoring his kids. If all else fails, then he is just not the father type..and it's best to let him go. You deserve more than that, and you CAN find it.

Answer 5

Honey, they are too old to NOW its too late for you to want him to change now

The kids don't even want him

and What do you mean you have had them all day,
they are at school

My suggestion is to Plan a routine
EG..

Your 16 year old is capable of caring for the kids

Let her be incharge,

Your husband can rest and so can you

other days, schedule something,
and get out the house, let your husband deal with them


Its been like this for 16 years so don't expect him to change NOW

Get your kids to help you out, Cooking and cleaning, should be done by your 3 girls you and your husband should be able to just relax NOW

My boys are 11 3 and 18months
i get NO HELP

But i have my 11 year old help me clean, and that helps,

Meg

Answer 6

You can't talk someone into being a parent. If he doesn't want anything to do with his kids, then you should seriously reconsider the relationship. Why did you have 4 kids with him anyway? If he's been acting this way for 16 years he's not going to change now.

Answer 7

tell him to help or get out ur kids r most important right now and if hes hurting them then he needs to get out!!! but to tell u the truth most teenage and preteenage dont go to their father as fo rhte 7 yr old i think it really effected my not having a father not in a horrible way but it deff changed me no having a man u can always trust no matter what dont get me wrong my mom was everything and anything for me but still it really isnt the same

he shoulds like he would be better off with them living with u and him living alone i really dont think their is an excuse for ditching ur kids as long as ur able bodied and can afford it they should be his whole world and i dont know ur whole situation but it may even be to late for the 16 yr old....

this may be more serious than u thought

hope this helps and im sure ur husband loves the kids maybe he just doesnt know how to show it

Answer 8

This has been going on for 16 years, he is in a habit. All you can do is arrange group activities for all of you to do (even a sit down dinner to talk), and tell him the kids need a happy dad they can come to.

I doubt he'll change, "suddenly" hit the nail on the head. Men are raised to act this way.

Answer 9

Just leave the children with your husband, and you go out and spend an evening with your friends. Before you leave, tell the children he is in charge, and that they need to obey him now and complain to you later. Finally, leave him a note saying that if he can manage to keep the house in order and the children fed and in bed by the time in return, you will give him an unforgettable evening.

Good Luck!

Answer 10

Tell him.. your marriage is a 'family marriage' and that for this marriage to work he has to take time for everyone in the family. You didn't marry a sperm donor and if that's what he wants to be.. then he can go do that by himself.

Honestly, tell him what you expect and need from him. Be up front and brutally honest if need be. A lack of a strong father figure can cause HUGE emotional problems as kids become teenagers and young adults.

Good luck and I hope this helps!