My two older sisters and I take turns caring for our 81-year-old mom who is a recovered alcoholic (we took it away from her three years ago.) There were many years of physical and emotional abuse on all four of us-my brother doesn't even come around except once in a while.
My oldest sister's behavior has become a concern to me because now when we go to a family picnic or together at an activity, she's always late and in a panic because she puts off all preparations until the last minute, and when she gets to the gathering she is so angry and verbally abusive to everyone-just if one little thing doesn't go her way and comes off without a hitch. she can't seem to go with the flow, complains about everything, and makes it less enjoyable for everyone else. I see people steering clear of her because of her incessant complaining. She refuses my help with preparations, and then goes ballistic when something goes wrong. Am I justified for not attending this time, and be honest as to why?
2007-11-01 06:47:32 · 10 answers · asked by marty47 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Your sister is typical of many adult children of alcoholics -- unresolved anger issues, and does not know how to behave appropriately but instead, makes a scene.
You don't have to be around her or anyone else who makes you feel discomfort.
Being an adult child of an alcoholic is rough... i was, too. I feel for you, i truly do.
take care of YOU... and while i'm here, i'd like to suggest Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings or even Alanon... these are support groups for those of us whose lives have been affected by alcoholism. And, even if your mother no longer drinks, you have suffered the repercussions of her alcoholism... maybe it would help to see you aren't alone, and to see how others are handling life.
hugs
2007-11-01 06:53:44 · answer #1 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 3⤊ 1⤋
You don't need any justification for not attending. You're an adult. If you choose not to attend, you don't have to. If you feel the need of an excuse, simply say that you have a previous engagement. If someone asks you what the engagement is, give them a wink and say that a gentlemen (or a lady) never tells. In reality, your previous engagement could be an entire day in bed, a movie and dinner for one, or a relaxing day at the beach. Depending upon how long the family gatherings last, your previous engagement could last a day, a week, or a month. Who's to say? Enjoy your life and don't let these people pluck your nerves. Happy holidays!
2007-11-01 14:08:34 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
You do not have to attend every family gathering, and I would suspect that your sister is probably dreading the gathering just as you are. That would explain the bad mood, and general uneasiness she is feeling. I had a mother that was difficult to be around and she found things to start a fight where nothing was. Your best protection from all the drama, is to make up your mind to enjoy yourself no matter what. Your mother won't be on this earth forever, and no matter how hard some families try, they seem to drift apart when the parents are gone, so try to get some enjoyment out of the gathering. Try talking to your sister, she just may let you know what is going on. Good luck
2007-11-01 14:04:26 · answer #3 · answered by WVPV07 4 · 0⤊ 3⤋
There is no "law" saying you have to attend. It sounds like you've been attending all these other times because you feel "obligated" to do so. Let yourself go----by that I mean don't get down on yourself for not going. Don't make yourself feel guilty for not going. If you don't want to go, don't go. And then let it go.
Good luck and I hope that you are moving forward and letting your past go. I can't imagine what it must be like growing up in that kind of environment. And then having to take care of the very person who caused you so much pain as a child.
You deserve to be happy. Do WHATEVER it takes to make YOU happy. Let the loose ends drag. Good Luck.
2007-11-01 13:55:36 · answer #4 · answered by looloo27 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
You are an adult, you can do whatever you want. I wouldn't be 100% honest. Maybe just explain that the activities never go well and you would rather not attend such a stessful atmosphere. Unfortunately, we don't get to pick who our family is and sometimes we just have to bite our tongues and take it. But if it has just gotten to be too much and you don't want to do it, then don't. You don't even have to justify yourself if you don't want to. You are an adult and are allowed to make your own choises.
2007-11-01 13:57:05 · answer #5 · answered by misbotta 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I have a feeling you will regret not spending time with your mom once she is dead. Remember that your mom and your sister are just like you, except they have been through certain hardships that make them be the way they are. You should feel sorry for them and try to find the good person in them instead of running away. So put in the effort to look past their deficincies and spend the holidays with your family.
2007-11-01 14:00:35 · answer #6 · answered by LIBERTINEinSF 2 · 2⤊ 2⤋
You have every right to choose not to go. There is no law that says you are required to expose yourself to the abuse of family members. You dont need anyones permission to not go. Not your families and not mine. You do what you have to do to find a little peace in life.
2007-11-01 13:52:19 · answer #7 · answered by Dovahkiin 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
think about this crosby stills and nash song, and perhaps apply it's sentiment to your life;
"and so, become yourself, because the past it's just a goodbye."
2007-11-01 13:58:49 · answer #8 · answered by redford 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
If someone starts to misbehave, get up and leave abruptly. Embarrassing them enough may get her to shape up.
2007-11-01 13:56:38 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
You don't have to do anything that does not make you feel good doing it.
2007-11-01 13:54:19 · answer #10 · answered by shellshell 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋