I just confirmed that my fiance is cheating or is planning to do so. We have combined accounts, pay rent together etc (we live together). I have 2 hours before he gets home. I don't know where to start. I want to be fair. I'm not going to take all his money. But I do need to protect myself. Any suggestions?
2007-11-01 06:16:45 · 11 answers · asked by Nite 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
For those of you who are wondering, I have proof. I shouldn't have, but I snooped in his email.
2007-11-01 06:53:57 · update #1
Just to add some details. I'm late 20s and a professional. This isn't a drama filled relationship. To be honest up, until I found the emails where he was hoping to arrange casual encounters things were great. And now.. I think my world may have come crashing down. Thanks for all advice. I don't want ot miss anything.
2007-11-01 07:00:40 · update #2
personally i would go withdraw every penny from the account! pack some bags and make him a nice dinner! when he gets home casually ask him how whoevers hes cheating on you with is doing! then slap him and walk out!!! dont be fair to his cheating a s s!! was he fair to you when he was sleeping with the tramp?? he couldve got her prego, brought you an std!! not to mention the fact that he didnt care enough to wonder how much he was hurting you!!! let him have what he deserve... nothing!!! good luck!!! <3
2007-11-01 06:23:37 · answer #1 · answered by lizzylou859 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm basing my answer on two assumptions: You are 100% sure he is cheating on you (or is about to, which is just as bad), and that he's not a violent person.
When he gets home, tell him you need to talk to him (don't bombard him right when he walks in). It would be best if you can get him to admit it without you having to pull out the "proof", whatever that may be. Maybe you know the girl's name? Maybe you know where/when it happened? Otherwise, you'll need the proof. He is going to be mad that you were snooping on him, and it'll be hard to get him to stray from that. Tell him "fine", that you'd be happy to have a discussion about keeping secrets from each other, that in a marriage there are no "my possessions" and "your possessions" and that in your ideal marriage you don't want to feel that you have to snoop, just as he probably doesn't want to be in a marriage where his spouse snoops on him. Tell him that respecting each other's space and privacy is a separate discussion, but not one you're having right now. Right now, you're talking about [the cheating situation].
Depending on how much money you have in your accounts, you may want to run to your bank and get a cashier's check for your portion (half, or whatever equivalent your salary vs. his would be). You don't need to open a new account right away, just get the check, pack an overnight bag, and drop them both off at a friend's house that you trust. Different states have different laws about the engagement ring. Most consider it your possession (that you received as a gift). You may want to leave that with your friend as well...it may help you get back on your feet in the near future. These three things will be your worst-case scenario insurance.
If he admits it, and is civil about it, then you need to agree to call off your engagement, discuss your apartment lease (you will likely need to break it, losing your deposit), and determine your future (who moves out, joint possessions, etc.). It isn't a divorce, so there's no need to try to take more than you brought into the relationship...you're not entitled to it. You get your stuff, he gets his, you agree on whatever joint possessions you obtained during the relationship.
Any future discussions about a relationship will have to be saved for a later time. Remember, you're the victim here. Don't feel bad about whatever you do. I would be very cautious of any excuses from him "this was the first time", etc. I had a friend of mine cheat on his wife several times, and she caught him several times, and somehow she seemed to always buy his excuses. She lost nine years of her life before finally filing for divorce.
If you think he could become violent, you need to take separate measures. Maybe consider a public place. Maybe have a friend or two near your apartment (e.g., if you pull up the blinds, they come in or call the cops). If you need to run out, you can always talk to the police to grant a temporary restaining order for you to go back and get your stuff. Be safe. His world is about to come crashing down around him and you don't know exactly how he might react to that.
2007-11-01 14:02:04 · answer #2 · answered by Big Red Ten 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Make sure you have documented proof. If you're planning on leaving him, spend your next two hours setting up a separate checking account and finding a place to stay. (You're making the choice to leave; I wouldn't kick him out, unless he's not on the lease/mortgage.) Pack up some things you need and tell him you need time to decide if you want to continue your relationship. It's hard, but it's best to move on.
2007-11-01 13:21:31 · answer #3 · answered by xK 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Take whatever part of money is yours or at least half. Pack up all your stuff and go stay with someone else. Let him know that you have just given him his 30 day notice. Get out of there. Go you for doing this.
2007-11-01 13:22:12 · answer #4 · answered by blackoil 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is not being fair to you!!! BTW!
Have the PROOF out for him to see it, if you don't have proof in your hands then make sure you have some no he said she said stuff! Calm down I know your very upset and hurt, pack your stuff before he gets there you just don't know how ugly this could get, unless you don't mind men cheating on you.
p.s MAKE SURE YOU KNOW YOUR WORTH.
Good Luck!
2007-11-01 13:23:30 · answer #5 · answered by CurlySue 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Talk to him when he gets home and if he denys it, wait until tommrorrow and take JUST your share of the money and book it. You dont deserve that crap! And if you name is on the lease keep paying it until your lease is up. I watch a lot of JUDGE JUDY
2007-11-01 13:23:22 · answer #6 · answered by Ivan and Marko's momma 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
~you cant just come out and ask him if you have no proof he is or is goin too. do your research first. then see what happenes. you need proof before you talk to him about it.
2007-11-01 13:23:09 · answer #7 · answered by Lemon85 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Show him the facts you have and be prepared. You dont have to live with a man that does this to you.
2007-11-01 13:22:02 · answer #8 · answered by CaliGirl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
separate your money.....don't confront him yet. if you don't have a job, get one....develop separate accounts for everything........bank, e/mail, credit cards..etc.....if you're planning to leave...get an apt first and furniture....then talk...stay cool....if you don't want to leave.....thennnnn.............let him know that you know, offer counseling, shared time communication and or alone time....if he refuses......find youa man that appreciates you
2007-11-01 13:26:27 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
get your share of the money out of the bank and then tell him you are leaving him.
2007-11-01 13:21:44 · answer #10 · answered by crazyguyintx 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋