Do you think abusive parents command more respect from children than parents who are supportive and caring?

Question

I was close to both my children through out their childhood. Both could ask me anything in a private setting and would get an age appropriate honest answer. I have also been very defensive and protective of each, nothing they ever did jeopardized my devotion. I was not judgmental or disrespectful of who they chose to date, even when my daughter brought home gothic dressed drug attics- we discussed the pro’s and con’s of getting involved with someone whose habits may be more costly than their income.
Each married productive financially responsible partners that had strained relationships with their parents, especially the mother. Each felt they were deserted at some point when they needed their mom the most and each of those partners are completely devoted to making the abusing parent happy. These partners insist my children leave me out of many things and my daughter has somehow reinvented her childhood and will not talk to me unless she needs/wants something from me.
Do you think abusive parents command more respect from children by making them feel they were never good enough?
It just seems that those raised to be happy and independent will do anything to make a mate happy where as a survivor of an abusive childhood will spend their life and use their mates to make the abusive parent happy.

I desparately want each of my children's marriages to work out, (even though their mates show signs of disrespect and meanness towards me) because my grandchildren will suffer if divorce comes about and I worry about their safety. Maybe on a selfish level I also worry that I will not see my grandchildren if a separation happens. My children's partners do not seem family oriented and probably would not care abotu how close I am to my grandchildren now.

Answer 1

I think abusive parents demand respect from their children, as opposed to a parent who is caring and nurturing who asks for respect. I think your children are just trying to please their significant other and their family. I would just speak to your children about what's going on and how it makes you feel. Once you've done that I would then wait for your child to make their own path. They are now old enough to do what they think is best. The only thing you can pray for is that they make the right decision and that they make the decision to better "THEMSELVES" as opposed to their significant other.

I hope all goes well!

Answer 2

If your assessment of your relationship with your children when they were young is even close to being accurate then you were a positive, nurturing, open minded mother and your children were lucky to have you.

Abusive parents never command respect at all let alone 'more' respect. They may command greater obedience out of fear, which someone might mistake for respect.

Abusive parents also usually create a feeling of 'never being good enough' in their children that their children will spend the rest of their lives trying to overcome or to 'disprove'.

These adults tend to be overly devoted to their parents in an attempt to eek out some speck of commendation. It's very sad.

It's a little unusual that both your children chose such individuals to marry, but it seems like it is a reality that you have to live with.

My advice is to be as kind to your children as you can be, which I'm guessing will come naturally to you. Don't be defensive, but if the opportunity presents itself, you might ask your daughter (the one who has 'reinvented' her life) to sit down and talk with you. Ask her to help you understand what things on your part in her memories trouble her and impact so negatively on the relationship between the two of you. Tell her you need to know so you don't make the same mistakes with your grandchildren. Listen to whatever she has to say. Again a key to success is not to come across as defensive. If she presents you with information that seems completely foreign to you you should tell her that. Try as best you can to straighten things out between you. If it doesn't work out, take some solace in the fact that you did the best you could in making your children responsible productive adults.

Answer 3

No.

What they have isn't greater respect, but greater need. They're still trying to get their parents' approval and love, which will never happen.

I don't know what's going on with your children. It's simply not true that those raised to be happy and independent will do anything to make a mate happy. Something else is going on there.

But do you really think it would be better if your children were desperately trying to win your love, rather than being able to form relationships with their spouses?

But it is wrong for your children to capitulate to the point of cutting you out entirely.

Have you talked to them about this? What, exactly, do they say?

Cutting people off from their families is a warning sign.

Answer 4

Nothing about an abusive parent commands respect. How do you respect someone that hurts you?? When children turn into adults, it's time to "Grow up", you can continue to blame mom, and be miserable or get over it and realize, mom did the best she could, most kids do not know the whole story of what makes a mom, a mom. Good, bad, or indifferant! Give the ol' gal a break and raise your children with your heart!! YOU, have differant choices than your mom did!!!!!

Answer 5

I am sorry about this situation, you sound like a nice person and a loving parent and you do not deserve this. Yes, sometimes the jerks in life seem to wield all the power. Since it is not you dealing directly with the jerks, there is little you can do but be there for your kids, point out how these in-laws are jerking them around when your opinion is sought. Other than that fashion a rich life for your self and maybe things will one day improve with your kids.

Answer 6

That's not respect. That's a child who got older and got married, etc. but never dealt with the abuse. They're still trying to get Mommy to be a real mother (which you were). At this point your kids are more worried about maintaining their marriage than about their relationship with you. While they should be concentrating on their own families, there's going to be a time when they wake up and realize that there are some unhealthy things going on in their lives - both in terms of their relationship with their spouse and the spouse's relationship with their own parent. Give it time. Even well-raised adults make bad relationship decisions. Let them know that you're there for them, don't beat up on them for the mistakes they're making, and they'll come around. I know its painful for you, but trying too hard to make them see what they're doing will make it harder for them to reconnect with you. They're going to have to figure this out on their own.

Answer 7

Believe it or not, the bond you created with your children has not disappeared. It is just straining under the weight of these people who are making their partner "choose" between them and their mother. In the long run I doubt the relationships will survive, and you will get your children "back." Just be patient and loving, and don't put your children in the middle as their partners seem to have done.

Answer 8

I think abusive parents are a set up for emotionally distressed adults who really need help to mend their damaged sense of self-worth.... many don't receive appropriate help -- i didn't until i was in my 30's... and then i had to grow up all over again... it was worth it, however....

You seemed to have done a great job with your daughters; however, your one daughter's main influence seems to be the husband instead of the person it ought to be -- HERSELF... i know we try to make our family gatherings comfortable, but YOU never did anything to her husband, and it's not very compassionate of your daughter and husband to leave you out of family events/gatherings.

Your daughter is caretaking for some reason? I think it's normal to consider our mate's well-being, but i don't see what you've ever done to your daughter's?

Sometimes we have to accept situations for what they are and do our best to cope. I hope that someday your daughter uses her own brain, and realizes what she's doing?

sending all good thoughts your way.

Answer 9

Wow this is a deep 1 I was a abused child and I think that the reality is you spend your live trying to prove you are a good person to every 1 its an emotional crutch that you rely on to cover up the abuse "If I'm good enough no1 will no I was abused"

Answer 10

Abusive parents may get a better reaction from thier children but when the kids grow up they will not neccessarily listen to thier parents commands and possibly fight back whereas supportive parents may have more unruly kids, the kids like their parents more and see them as a friend and mentor.