How do you handle a guy who is not ready to get married, when you are.??

Question

I love my bf so much and want no one else but him. I am ready to get married and want it more than anything... i dont want a huge wedding oor anything , just going to a quiet place with parents and a few friends would be great with me and move into our own house and be a happily married couple is exactly what i want. But he says he isnt ready for marriage, he is 23. And he has a great job, a farmer, and he has the money. So why is he not ready? He says he does want to marry me and i am the only girl for him, but yet not ready for marriage? I will wait for him, but how do i handle it ? i am not a patient person, and sometimes my anger gets the best of me with this situation. Help ! Any ideas? And dont say mention moving in with him, cuz i am the kinda person who wants to be married before moving in with him.

Answer 1

I applaud you for wanting to wait until you're married to move in, it just causes problems from my own experience (yeah there IS a difference between being married and just living together). If he isn't ready, then he isn't ready, and it's good that he's mature enough to know that and communicate it to you. The worst thing you could do is try to rush him, because it can only lead to terrible things: he gets sick of the nagging and breaks up with you, or he proposes, just to shut you up, then won't commit to a wedding date, which will further drive you crazy, or he marries you when he isn't ready and begins to resent you for rushing him and not caring about his feelings, which will probably lead to a divorce.

One of the keys to a successful marriage is thinking of the needs of the other person, and the fact that you really aren't able to do that tells me that maybe YOU aren't ready for marriage either. You need to give yourself time to grow up and understand that other people's needs matter too, before you start thinking of marrying anyone.

Btw, 23 is waaay too young to get married, I don't care how good a job he has. Let him enjoy being an adult for awhile!

Answer 2

Please don't rush into this, and don't pressure him either. He's 23, I assume you are around that age, maybe younger. You have some time. I watched as many of my friends got married young (younger than 25). Several are divorced (some with kids). My brother is 26 and has been dating the same girl since high school. She wants to get married. He isn't ready. He just bought some land and wants to start a house, become more financially settled. Maybe your guy feels the same. Give him and yourself time to fully come into your own as a person and adult.

Also, statistically, people who marry older have a better chance of making it work.

Now, I don't mean wait forever. In another year, bring up the subject again. But if he's still not ready, move on.

Answer 3

There comes a point where you have to say Is this leading to marriage? B/c I plan to get married and I can't be with a guy who doesn't want to marry me.

B/c I know girls who date guys for 7-9 years and the guy never wants to get married. She continues b/c he is the right guy. Well, he may be Mr Right if you don't care about getting married but if you do, then that fundamental difference makes you not right for each other.

However you don't say how long you've been together. He is rather young. Statistically those who get married after 25 are much more likely to remain married, than those who marry young. Then again. you don't say your age. If you are 19 or 20, perhaps its not that he is too young but you are. He wants to see if you change or if you are one of those people planning a life together. Perhaps you've only been together a little while and you are feeling some giddy, he is perfect emotion--more limmerance than meaningful.

If you haven't been together long and you are younger than him, give it some time. Really know each other and discuss the important things in life. Grab some of those books 1001 Questions to Ask Before You get married. Those are great conversation starters. But after a few years, you do have to ask the question "is this leading towards marriage". B/c a guy knows if he never wants to marry you. And sometimes you have to be willing to leave to get what you want. However if you pull that card when he isn't thinking about marriage to you, you risk losing him. So learn some patience--but learn when it too much as well.

Answer 4

Whatever you do, do NOT pressure him into getting married before he is ready. I allowed myself to be talked into getting married when I was very young and not ready, and things went very badly - to say the least. I'm a woman, but I was in the same place as your boyfriend about 12 years ago. It was terrible. I caved in, and I still regret it 8 years after the divorce. Besides, had you rather be with someone whom you coerced into marriage or someone who is excited about marrying you?

23 is Very Young. He's probably not ready to get married because he's not ready to give up his independence and make a life-long commitment yet. You're probably still experiencing intellectual and emotional growth. It's important to live on your own and be independent for a while. Marriage is hard work, and each partner needs to be not only 100% committed to the marriage, but excited about it. I'm not making you wrong, I'm just trying to tell you how he may be feeling based on how I felt when I let myself get pressured into doing something I really didn't want to do.

The only thing you can do is to decide what you want for yourself and then evaluate your relationship and see if it is meeting your needs. If you really do want to get married and he doesn't, you have to figure out how long you want to wait for him to be ready. You have to accept the fact that the two of you may be at different places in your life and may not be compatible right now. Again, it doesn't make either of you right or wrong - it's just what the situation is.

As for your last point: I absolutely agree that you should not move in with him until you are married or have set a date. I moved in with my guy only after becoming engaged, announcing it, and setting a date. To just move in with him without a commitment is very risky, and from a purely practical standpoint, I think you're very wise to realize that this isn't a good idea.

all the best.

EDIT: My fiance and I are getting married in a few months. Even in our 30's, we just now really feel like we're ready. We're both really excited, and it's great!

Answer 5

You talk about him, but are you old enough, with a steady job and really ready for marriage (not just the idea of a lifelong committment). Too many people think of marriage as a way of garanteeing a lover and friend, but its more complicated than that.
Also farming is NOT a great or wonderous continual job. There are ups, downs, and complications. Equipment breaks, prices vary, and the chances of injury are quite high. Are you able to support the family or have a way of supporting them if he's injured or hurt?
While I'm sure he loves you, he probably is trying to save up for a decent home, and set up some savings in case of emergencies or accidents. If you can't wait, then perhaps he's not the man for you. You probably need to ask him what his reason for the delay may be.

Answer 6

I think you are smart NOT to live with him before you are marriaged. (And not living together does not increase the chance that your marriage will be successful.) If you live with him, IMHO, he might get comfortable playing married and not want to go through the whole process to make it legal since his life really won't change much anyway.

Ask your boyfriend if he will ever be ready for marriage. If the answer is yes, then maybe suggest getting a promise ring if he is not ready to give you an engagement ring. This way you know that there is a promise that one day you will get married. You have an advantage that you are still young. So there is really no need to rush things. Now I wouldn't wait 10 years but you still have some time.

Answer 7

being ready to get married isnt always about being financial stable, and settled into a good job. A person has to be ready mentally. If he says hes not ready.... trust him, hes not ready. if you force him, and he not ready... you'll probably end up unhappy.

if you love him, you will respect his decision and wait until hes ready. If you are THAT impatient, i question if you love HIM or the idea of getting married. Hes only 23. Marriage is HUGE responsibility. Theres a lot to it, and god knows it aint easy.

If you keep buggin him about it, or give him an ultimatem, i think you might not like the choice that he makes. MY OPINION: Give the boy some space, some time to grow. Dont pressure him, and just enjoy your relationship as it is.

Answer 8

I think successful marriages are one's where the couple lived together before getting married. That's my opinion. You don't truely know someone until you have lived with them. Even if you live in seperate bedrooms, it's a good idea.

Your b/f is just like any other guy. Guys don't really want to get married, esp when they are in their early 20's. Give it some time because your making a huge step. He will come around and want to get married soon, but rushing into it or forcing someone because "your" ready isn't right. You both should be ready.

Enjoy what you have going now, a relationship and your young. Go do things with your g/f's, finish college, go to vegas, because you'll wish you did when your 30 and married with two kids waking you up at 5am.

Answer 9

Get some new tube steak for dinner. He's not sure yet. Good for you to wait to move in until after marriage. Find a good man at church. How old are you? If you are under 23, you should not even be thinking about marriage in the first place. Finish school and get a job.

Answer 10

Factor in..how long have you two been together, is he worried about something are his parents divorce. Things like that can hold a person back.
Maybe there are things he is wanting to do before he settles down. Think about it this way.. If you love him, then let him figure it out and don't pressure him into. You want him to marry you for his reasons not yours. He is only 23 and he has so much life to give. Worry about day to day, cause life passes us by and if we think about to much in the future we forget what we need to do today. Love him everyday and just let things flow into what it is going to be. If its 2-3 years down the road and no ring, then its time to think about moving on and finding someone who is settling down. But he has told you wants to get married and basically to you. Back off and be his girlfriend....not a nagging girlfriend.