help! my 4 yr old son dont wanna see his dad?

Question

i have a court agreement tha my son has to go to stay over his dads every other wkend but recently my son dont want 2 go it happens everytime he screams and crys his eyes out and says please dont make me go over daddys which u can imagine is heartbreaking for me i dont know what to do? i ask my ex to bring him back if he asks but my son tells me he has asked and his dad wont let him when can my son decide if wants to or not? christmas is coming and his dad is supposed to have him for a week just after christmas and i know he not going 2 want to go

Answer 1

I can only imagine what you must be going through. It's important that you try and find out why the child feels this way and therefore I would strongly suggest getting this child into counseling and quickly. It could be many things. The child could simply be accustomed to being with you and experiencing seperation anxiety, but there is the romote possibility that there is something more to it that you are completely unaware of. It's important that you act now in the event this is the case. You're not going to be able to have the court order retracted unless you have a professional opinion that visitation is creating an emotional hardship for this child. Couseling can also be a valuable tool in establishing a good relationship with this child and his father and accepting that he has "two" families. Customarily, unless there are serious allegations of abuse by the child, the court does not take into consideration the wishes of the child until they are at least ten years old.
What I can tell you is that right now, with no grounds for your concerns, if you stop visitation you will be held in contempt of court and possibly arrested. You have absolutely no choice but to send this child to his father every other weekend and for that week after Christmas unless you can make the presiding judge see that it's bad for the child. I would suggest that these episodes be video taped without your childs knowledge so that those who will need to see what happens first hand can do so if the need arises.
I would also suggest that you carefully confront your child about his reluctance to go to his fathers and do so on video tape as well. Be cautious not to ask leading questions like "did daddy hurt you?" because when asking leading questions of a four year old, chances are he will simply agree with his mommy. That's what his lil brain thinks he is supposed to do. You are God as far as he's concerned and he wants to please you..so naturally he is going to nod his lil head and agree.
I am not trying to freak you out or make you paranoid. This could be something as simple as Daddy punishes him when he's bad and good ole Mommy spoils him and lets him have his way. It could simply be that there is a friend he misses when he's away or a favorite toy.
If this were my child I would do exactly as I've suggested you do. My son is not old enough to vocalize objection but if I witnessed this type of behavior from Christopher I would be moving mountains to get to the bottom of it so that I didn't have to watch my child suffer like you are. I would be a basket case after witnessing that the entire time the child was gone.
This is your ex-husband obviously. I realize this is probably a strained relationship at best. Have you discussed this with him? If there is animosity beteween the two of you you've GOT to put it aside and work together for the sake of this child. He needs both of you. You will probably remarry or have a new boyfriend. He will probably remarry or have a new girlfriend. That being the case, all FOUR of you will have to peacefully co-exist to raise this child regardless of how you feel toward one another.
Whatever happened between the two of you has nothing to do with this lil boy and it's over. You have to let it go and TRY ( I know how hard that can be) to be friends. Please discuss couseling for this child with your ex. Make him feel included. That does wonders when trying to get his cooperation. Tell him you'd like to help this child adjust to the situation and ask if he's willing to share the cost with you. There should be state funded programs available in your state that will allow you to pay on a sliding scale depending on your income, child support,etc.
I wish you and your lil guy the best of luck. I hope it turns out to be a case of "Mommie's done spoiled him rotten so Daddy sucks!" :)

Answer 2

First of all I would make sure that nothing is happening to your son when he is with your ex. Even if you trust your ex to not harm his child, his he with someone who could be harassing or even abusing him in some way?

Also, are you giving all of the right support to your ex when it comes to parenting? I am also divorced and even though I had a LOT of issues with my ex, I always kept that to myself. I told myself that he was the only father that my children would ever have and I loved them too much to take that away from them. It had to stop being a bout me and him, it was about my kids having 2 parents and being comfortable with both. Even though your son is "only" 4, kids are smart enough to pick up on even subtle cues from you. If you are resentful of the time your ex has with your son or you can't stand the sight of your ex or whatever - your son will read you like a book, and he could be just following your lead.

If you are certain that nothing bad is going on there and that you are behaving in a totally neutral fashion toward your ex - then I would recommend counseling for your son. And it would probably be best if all 3 of you could meet for some counseling sessions. You can't solve a problem if you don't know what it is. Your son might be more willing to speak honestly to an objective person rather than to either you or your ex, kids can be afraid of hurting their parents' feelings or making them upset. Also a therapist might be more skilled at drawing out what the exact problem is. If all 3 of you could meet with the counselor as well, then that could be a safe forum to hash out some issues. The counselor could help keep things calm and rational.

It's a tough problem, and I feel for you. Good luck!

Answer 3

Unfortunately, if your court order says he has to go, he has to go. I've been on both sides of this problem before and its not fun for anyone involved. Is there a lot of animosity between yourself and the father? If there is, he could be picking up on that. The best thing you can do for him, is to talk to him the week leading up to the visit.. explain that he's gonna go to Daddy's, but you'll be at home waiting for him and he's going to have a good time.. he can call if he needs you, etc. It would also help if his dad called during the week to let him know how excited he is to get to spend time with him, etc.. At 4, kids are nervous to be away from their parents to begin with.. its even harder when there's something like this involved. If its possible, you should probably see about getting counseling for the 3 of you together, it will help, a ton, to have a professional try to explain things to your son.

Answer 4

Well you have to decide for him since he is only 4. I would imagine he or she would be allowed to make those choices at at 10 or 12.

You should find out why he feels this way.. Don't just ask him you need to break down potential issues he may not even think he knows about. Find out if he is being abused or treated poorly. Make sure your son isn't making false claims either for the sake of not going. He may resent your ex from fighting or he is going to through an Anti-social stage like my little sister. She just wants to stay at home all the time for some reason because she doesn't feel comfortable at other people's hosue.

Answer 5

Unfortunately - if the court has decided that his Dad should see him wevery 2 weeks, then he should. He can not choose not to see his Dad until he is 16. If the Dad chooses not to see him that would be a different matter - but if you withhold visiting rights, he can take you to court. Not a great situation for you or your son. If you still have a civil relationship with the Dad, maybe you could sit down and discuss with him how to make your son feel happier. Can he call you from the Dad's house? Ask him to stick to your routine etc.
Good luck, I know this is hard for you.

Answer 6

I had the same problem with my daughter at that age. Only my ex was understanding enough to agree to not make her do something she didn't want to do if she was that upset. Talk to your ex and see if something else can be worked out to where he can come to your house a couple days for an hour or so to maybe help with bedtime or a fun activity. Or maybe meet at a mutual place for them to spend time like mcdonalds play land and sit to the side so they can have their own interaction time. Your son will let you know when he wants to see and spend time with daddy. If you've recently separated from your ex your son may just be trying to cope with this. hope this helped and good luck!

Answer 7

you need to try to find out why he does not want to go,, it may just be something simple like dad told him off or did not let him have his own way. it could be as simple as he misses you that much he does not want to spend time with his dad...
Is there no way you could both go somewhere with your son and see how father and son interact with each other....Also how long has he been upset?? is it a sudden thing, has he been OK in the past, or have you and your ex just recently split. If it's a reent split it may be your son is worried that you won't come back for him.........

Answer 8

Kids, especially 4yo's, sometimes say that they don't want to do something that they are supposed to do. I'm sure that there are times in your life as a parent where your 4yo throws tantrums about other things, too.

As long as there's no abuse going on, you need to treat this like any other part of your child's life where he doesn't have a choice in the matter. You can either force him to do it against his will. Or, you can encourage him to do it in a positive manner.

Many parents in your same situation might enjoy the feeling of 'winning' against their ex, their child's other parent. They might enjoy it to the point where their child's tantrum actually makes them feel good. I'm sure this is not the case in your situation.

In those types of situations, though, the child actually picks up on the fact that their parent *approves of* their sadness. Weird, isn't it? And, then, the child continues and intensifies the behavior, seeking more positive feedback from that parent.

Saying things to your ex, when your child can hear, like "Please bring him back if he asks to come back" is actually feeding your child the cue that he is somehow in danger at dads, or that dad's is optional & that you *want him* to ask to come back. Asking your son, afterwards, whether he asked dad to come back & if dad complied, is also feeding him that same message.

Look - it's not optional. Unless there is actual abuse going on, your son *is* going to spend every other weekend, and weeks at a time at dad's house. If *my* child was doing something like that, that I could not control, I would be encouraging them to get the most out of those days & hours as possible. I would be helping them learn how to behave properly during that time away from me. I would be doing my best to work together with the person who my child is spending time with.

You've got 14 more years of this ahead of you all. Do you want those 14 years to be positive time for your child? Or, do you want to 'win' by having him be sad?

Answer 9

Well i would definitely think about having your child see a therapist. I have a friend who's daughter refuses to see her father. The judge ordered that they go with her to the therapist. Well back in the summer this little girl was supposed to go to Florida with her father for an entire week. She was so upset about it and didn't want to go at all. The therapist evaluated her for 2 weeks prior to the trip and went back to the judge stating that she does not think it is a good idea to put this little girl through all this. The little girl did not have to go. I would definitely go back to court to see if there is anything that you can do. Your son should not have to go through this. Best of Luck to you!!

Answer 10

At the age of 4, your son has nothing to say in whether he visits his father or not! The courts have mandated it and you must comply. In the state where I live a child can make that decision at the age of 12 and I'm assuming that it's a similar age in the other 49 states.