Hey peeps....more jokes funny ?

Question

Monday Blues
>
>
>If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug
>of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost
>instantly removed.
>
>Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always
circle
>the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from
the
>washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check
that
>it has gone.
>
>Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to
the
>object you wish to view.
>
>Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone
>else to hold them while you chop away.
>
>Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but
>you'll
>also be getting paid for it.
>
>Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning
after,
>you
>can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of
washing
>up liquid and banging your head

repeatedly on the wall.
>
>Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by
>filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
>urinating into it, before jumping in.
>
>Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a
>handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
>
>Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
>
>Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes
>again.
>
>An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive
>vibrator.
>
>Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by
running a
>bit slower.
>
>Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next
***
>from
>the butt of your last one.
>
>Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or

>veal.
>Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute
etc
>'tastes exactl

exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
>
>Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt
be
>made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about
yours,
>and
>ask for a nice steak.
>
>Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of
cartoons
>first, and then read the rest in random order.
>
>High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while,
>thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
>
>Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
>cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
>insulate your roof.
>
>Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your
car
>before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems
anyway,
>so
>it may as well look like one.
>
>A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
from
>rolling over and going back to sleep.
>

>Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone
with
>whom
>you disagree.
>
>Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging
your
>feet twice on each stair.
>
>At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer
>Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
>
>Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date.
All
>he's interested in is seeing you starkers.
>
>Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
>fishes'
>eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
>
>A next door neighbor's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat
>hanger in an emergency.
>
>And Finally........................
>
>AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to
'fast
>wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
>
>HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up
liquid for
>the price of one is by putting one

in your shopping trolley and the
other
>in
>your coat pocket.
>
>OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross
>out the names and address of people you don't know
>
>
==============================
Situational Awareness

Scenario:



You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same
speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size
as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter
flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also
travelling at the same speed as you.



What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?




Answer:



Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're pissed.

===================
Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!

Su

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a wan*er.

===============================
A traveling salesman drove into a small town where a circus

was playing. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian." The

intrigued salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under

The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts

on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.



Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge

male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty

swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian

was carried off on their shoulders.



Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town,

found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read,

"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian". He couldn't believe the old

guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought

a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated.



This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were

placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then

suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with

three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!



Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after

the show. "You're incredible" he told the Italian, "but I have

to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were

using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"



"Well," said the Italian, "my eyes aren't what they used to be."
============================================

Answer 1

ha ha ha funny
thanks for a laugh
10/10

Answer 2

A good collection.I may add another how to........ How to save your cooking gas bill ? Do not cook everyday and take meals etc. in some hotel.

Answer 3

I stumbled upon this website called TEXT UNLIMITED ( http://www.textunli.com ), it's a collection of Sms Jokes, greetings, bar jokes. funny pictures. etc.. nice music, too.

Answer 4

why are you putting these all together they are really good you should break them down to two's and three's in each segment >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>star

Answer 5

start was good got fed up towards end

Answer 6

LOL, those Viz top tips are the best!!

Answer 7

I couldn't be bothered reading the last few, there are so many, but they made me laugh, and cheered me up. Thanks for those;D

Answer 8

lolz

Answer 9

hahahahahaha

Answer 10

heehee