any jokes to cheer me?

Question

feeling really sad.....any jokes guys?

Answer 1

Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?

He didn't want to fall into the Hot Chocolate.

Answer 2

I love word jokes, so:
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff
What do you call a man in a brown paper envelope? Bill
What's yellow and deadly dangerous? Shark infested custard
What's yellow, curved and points North? A magnetic banana
How ddo you know when you've had elephants in the fridge? Footprints in the butter.
How do you know when there's an elephant under your bed? Your nose touches the ceiling.
I don't know if these will help, but i hope you cheer up soon. God bless you.

Answer 3

Yes a preacher, senator and young guy were on a turbo prop when it developed problems. The pilot came back and said we have engine problem and I only have three parachutes and I have to have one. So the preacher said he had a flock t tend to and they gave him one, then it was down to the banker and young guy. anyway the crooked senator had a two headed coin and told the guy I will flip and call heads and she won. So anyway she jumped and then the planes started down and the pilot came back and told the youngman how brave he was and sorry about the chute. The yman siad oh thats ok as the evil senator grabbed my back pak and she cackled and jumpe out. So the pilot and young man jumpe dto safety. that young man was Ted Nugent. Take care.

Answer 4

Sorry to hear that...
hope this joke can somehow cheer you up a little bit...

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!

or this?

A man, who is sentencd to life imprisonment, decided to dig a tunnel to escape. He works for many months on this tunnel and finally finishes it. He decides to break out during the day, figuring that the guards will not suspect this. As he breaks through the ground to the surface, he finds himself in a pre-school playground.

He is surprised, but he rejoices anyway, shouting, "I'm free, I'm free!"

At this a little girl approaches him, puts her hand on her hip, and says, "Big deal! I'm four!"

or maybe this long story joke!

A rich guy was looking for excitement so he decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad said, "I will give $10,000 to any person that can make my elephant jump."

So the next day, people came from all over the world to try to get this elephant to jump. There were even hypnotists who tried, but no one could get that elephant to jump.

Then a guy drives up in a blue Corvette and said, "Are you the guy with the ad?" The rich guy replied yes. Then the guy asked, "Is that your elephant?" "Yes." The rich man replies.

Then the guy went back to his car. He returned with a 2 by 4. He walked behind the elephant and hit the elephant right in his balls! That elephant jumped a good 8 feet in the air. The rich guy, amazed, handed him the $10,000. The guy then got in his Corvette and drove off.

The next week the rich guy decides to put another ad in the paper. The ad said, "I will give anyone $20,000 to make my elephant turn his head from side to side."

The man had seen his elephant's head move up and down but never from side to side. People come from all over the world to try to get this elephant to make his head turn from side to side. No one could do it. When everyone left, the same guy in the same Corvette drives up.

He walked up to the elephant and said, "Do you remember me?" The elephant nodded his head up and down. Then the man asked, "Do you want me to do it again?"

The elephant then shook his head from side to side frantically.

Answer 5

Here are some.

1.A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ***."

2.A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

3.This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

4.A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

5.A Waitress was shocked to see 3 men masturbating furiously on one of her table,
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" she shrieked at them
"Well.." one of the men said, "It said here, 'First Come, First Served'"

Answer 6

A mother told her son to go and buy vinegar.
"Yes mom!" replied her son eagerly.
After several minutes the son came home panting, "Mommy, the money fell and went into the cannal. Can I get it?"
"No, don't get it for it is DIRTY, here, buy another one."
"Yes mom," replied her son and ran along.
Not so long after that her son came dashing into the room.
"Mommy, the vinegar fell into the canal. Can I go and pick it up?"
"No darling for it is DIRTY." This time his mother was already angry. She took the money and told him that she would be the one who'll purchase it.
Four hours have already passed and the son was getting hungry, until he saw a friends of his' and shouted,
"Hey, have you seen my mother?"
"Oh, your mother, well she fell into the canal, don't bother, she's already DIRTY...."

Answer 7

look , idon`t have any JOKES that i can clean up enough for this site , but , i will give you 2 quotes that i work by and to every-day , O.K.?

As I am a TRUCK DRIVER , by profession , I WILL "NEVER" LET THE TRUTH GET IN THE WAY OF TELLING A GOOD STORY.....

Attitude problem?... I don`t have an attitude problem , MY ATTITUDE IS YOUR PROBLEM....

use them and have FUN.....love Gonzo!!!

Answer 8

what is black and white and runs like a horse?




a zebra

Answer 9

Why do cows wear bells?

Answer 10

THank you for choosing my Answer as the best answer.(JOKE!!!!)