What do I say?

Question

I'm more than likely going to choose adoption for my child (due in March) and have recent started to show. What do I say when people start asking me questions? I don't want to lie or act like I'm planning to parent but it's very uncomfortable when normally they are just trying to make conversation. I even have problems in how to respond to congratulations from anyone.

Also I'm concerned about what to do about extended family gatherings for holidays or birthdays. As an extended family we aren't very close so discussing this sort of situation can be very uncomfortable and embarrassing. Should I attend or opt out? If I go what do I say? This also includes my own birthday (my 23rd) close to Thanksgiving.

EDIT: I am not embarrassed about considering adoption, I'm embarrassed about the circumstances around my pregnancy. I also have not ruled out the possibility of parenting. It has a lot to do with whether or not the father's parents (who don't know yet) will help me because he won't, I don't have any friends closer than three hours away, and my parents can only help so much.
If I do choose adoption I've already talked to an agency (who is open to counseling me about parenting also) which strongly supports open adoption the only way I would choose that option. I would love nothing more than to be able to parent myself but financially, emotionally and mentally I don't know if me or the baby could handle that situation.
Also I'm working on this desicion early because if I choose adoption I want plenty of time to meet and get to know the family I pick and if I choose parenting I want plenty of time to prepare myself and gather everything I would need.

Answer 1

Hold your head up high, you have every reason to. You are giving life to this child, and you are trying to provide the best life you can for a child who is not going to have the "luxury" of her father.

Do try to attend all the gatherings. Fortify yourself. Everyone has issues that would make them very uncomfortable and embarrassed should they find them under general discussion. Very few have the fortitude to do what you will be doing. Poohpooh the "oh how could you..."s regarding having gotten pregnant. When someone seems genuinely interested, be as forthcoming with them as you have been in your post. Some will be aghast that you are thinking of trying to raise a child alone; some will be aghast that you are considering adoption. The sensible ones will see that you have a difficult decision before you. Give all of them a chance to express their opinions and hopes, because you are bound to hear something you have not thought of, or perhaps receive a commitment of help in the months to come.

When you have heard enough from any given party, be firm about ending the conversation.

You also need to give yourself some "alone time", just you and your baby, so you can think and feel in peace.

I don't think there is an answer that is right or wrong across the board. You will hear of examples where one choice or the other went (or is characterized as having gone) very wrong or very right, but the truth is that I don't know anyone who simply lived happily -- or miserably -- ever after.

We must make our decisions without foreknowledge, and we try our very best, and sometimes, we make what appear to be mistakes. And sometimes, those mistakes turn out to not be utter mistakes after all. That's life, and you're doing it just fine. Best of luck from one who has been there.

Answer 2

I am amazed by the feedback you have gotten. Here is a sample,

Exhibit 1: First of all, KUDOS to you for making such a loving and thoughtful decision. You are a hero!!!!!!!!!! :)

Exhibit 2: Firstly I would like to say that I think that you are a brave woman. It takes a heck of a lot of courage to do what you are about to do.

Exhibit 3: First of all, give yourself a pat on the back for making a responsible decision for you and your child

Please recognize that these answers are self-serving as they come largely from adoptive parents.

Here is my advice.

First, if someone says, "congratulations," say "thank you." You - God willing - are going to be a mother after all, whether you parent or not. Other conversational questions can be dealt with in a similar manner. Q: Is it a girl or a boy? A: I don't know. Q: are you excited? A: scared. Q: have you picked out a name? A: no, still thinking.

Second, why do feel so pressured to decide the future of your life and your baby’s so long before you even meet the child? When you hold her in your arms, you may feel very different than you do now. So a decision today could hardly be called “responsible,” rather it is rash. In fact, abandoning a child is not what a responsible adult does, even if it is the best decision.

But the thing is, you still have time to consider what the best choice is. Why not wait until you meet your baby, see if you can summon the courage to protect and guard her. If you can’t, then you will still have the chance to choose a good couple to adopt your baby later.

So announcing a decision now is a mistake. It will only make it harder if you change your mind later. In fact, you may want to ask family and friends to help you out instead. You may be surprised. Being able to rely on family may give you the strength you need to preserve your family. Good luck.

Answer 3

I actually chose open adoption with my daughter. When people said congrats or anything like that I would say thanks! Even though your not planning on parenting at this point you still deserve some congratulations, your going to have a new memeber of your family added and you are going to make another family's life complete. If your family can't be supportive of your decision then that is there problem. Don't let people get you down because of there opinion. It is going to be one of the hardest things you do in your life if you decide to choose adoption but if your not able to parent the way a child deserves then the best thing for them is to have a family that can offer that to them.

I met the adoptive family when I was about five months along or so I fell in love with them and to this day I don't regret it one bit. I was in a really bad situation when I got pregnant, barely working, living with friends, partying & the father wanted nothing to do with it. After I had her it motivated me to get my crap together in case something like this were to happen again. Now I have a wonderful son and husband and my daughter and the adoptive parents are a huge part of our lives.

You just need to find the right fit and everything will fall into place after that. If there is even one thing you don't like about the family that you met move on to the next because there is a family that is right for you. You don't want to pick someone your unsure about and regret it later.

Good luck with everything.

Answer 4

Embarassment needs to be put on the side now. You are a pregnant, adult woman that has a difficult decision ahead of her. If you see yourself as the mother of the child you are carrying, you will find a way to have and raise this child as your own no matter what the obstacles may be. If you cannot see yourself as a mother or feel no attachment beyond the embarassment this is causing, than adoption will be the best path for your child. And the waiting parents that will love him or her and honor your decision.

Answer 5

I imagine you might not show enough for thanksgiving or your birthday for people to pointedly ask about your pregnancy, unless they already know.

Don't cheat yourself out of being with family and friends this holiday season just because of your pregnancy. Now, more than ever, family support is very important.

You don't have to tell anyone anything you don't want to. And you don't have to make ANY decisions before their time.

Above all, you don't need to be ashamed that you are pregnant. It is a beautiful natural thing. You don't owe anyone any explanation or have to have a plan.

This is special bonding time between you and your baby. Enjoy it and don't feel like you need to include nosy nellies in all the details. A simple "I'm not sure what the future will bring" and a change of subject will probably do just fine.

Good luck to you and don't jump into any hasty decisions....for your baby's sake....

Answer 6

If you feel you may give up your child for adoption, I hope you really research adoption's impact on the child.


When you sign the TPR your child is denied your protection, forever. Even if the adoptive parents turn out to be louses and this does happen all the time, you cannot help your child.


You will lose your child and your grandchildren and your great grand children, I hope you consider the gravity of the situation.

So many times adoption is sold as a "loving, responsible option" In reality giving your baby to strangers is risky behavior at best.


At least come up with a parenting plan, even if you go ahead and give your baby away, at least give that as much weight.

Lots of people parent unplanned pregnancies, I did and I am so grateful that I did. Parenting brings lots of love and joy, relinquishing brings lots and lots of pain.

Answer 7

I suggest that you tell your friends and family that you are thinking about adoption but have not decided for sure yet. If they push the issue and you don't feel like talking about it, tell them that you are discussing your options with a counselor and then change the subject.

You do not state why you are considering adoption. If it is due to lack of support, your family might surprise you and offer to help you keep your baby. Regardless of your reasons for your choice, you should keep in mind that your family members may feel sad about losing a child from the family and may express those feelings to you.

Although this was not part of your question, I think that you should have a backup plan to parent your child after birth. Many women just cannot part with their babies after they see and hold them the first time.

Good luck with your family and friends. I understand your discomfort.

Answer 8

I think you should attend and when questioned you should just say that yes you are pregnant but you know that you can not take care of your child the way that he or she deserves and so you are planning to give the baby up for adoption to a couple who can. There will be people who will try to say stuff like don't you love your baby? the comeback would be yes, thats why i am finding parents to give him or her what I can't.

Answer 9

I hope that you will go to the family get-togethers and talk, talk, talk. And listen to what people have to say, they may have some very good advice for you. You may find someone who will really be able to help you think through this decision. I'm saying this because you are not very far along in your pregnancy and I hope that you would not make this life-changing decision without talking to people who care about you, without taking the time to discover what your options are.

I lost my son to adoption 23 years ago. My family was very uncomfortable with my pregnancy, so NOBODY talked about it!! I felt very ashamed because of the way everyone avoided the topic - and me. When I look back on that time now it makes me angry with my family for not being able to talk to me about all of my options. I am also angry with myself for not having spoken up and asked for help from them. The result of all of the silence, the lack of discussion was that my baby and I were separated by adoption. I really encourage you to talk to people - to be open to hearing what other people have to say about what your options are for keeping your son or daughter with you.

Not talking about a problem does not make it go away. The problem is your situation, not your baby. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm being pushy, but losing my child to adoption has been - and still is - a very painful experience for both my son and I to live with.

My biggest mistake was talking with an adoption counselor. She told me what a wonderful thing I was doing, what a wonderful person I was, on and on and on... It sounded so good to hear good things and to feel that I was getting support from someone - finally! The problem with talking to an adoption counselor is that they will tell you anything to get your baby. Your baby = $$$ in their pocket. Adoption counselors will not likely be telling you what it is like to be a parent, how you can parent your child, what your resources are if you chose to parent. Nor will they tell you the damage it does to both the mother and the baby to be separated.

I would ask you to focus on this baby growing inside of you. You are already this child's mother. Don't let someone talk you into giving your baby to strangers to raise before you have given birth. Your feelings will change over the course of your pregnancy and especially once your child is born and you hold and nurse your baby.

So do go to the family gatherings and ask those one or two persons you feel most comfortable with what they would do. Ask them what your options are. You might be able to find a better solution than adoption.

Your son or daughter could, next year, be part of those family gatherings and holiday parties. Or next year you might be there without your child.

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/wish.html

Best of luck

Answer 10

Did you know that the process of giving birth causes the production of chemicals that LITERALLY alter your brain pathways to boost your maternal instincts and love for your child?

I truly hope you will not make any decision before you give birth and meet your child eye-to-eye and skin-to-skin. Your emotions can do a complete 180 at that time - thus, so many stories about women "changing their mind."