I cannot figure out the best way to see my son(s)... ; . {?

Question

Long story short-lost parental rights when they were 7 & 10. Elder son is turning 18 on Saturday. Do I go to the house, knock on the door and ask to see my son? Park in their cul-de-sak and wait for him to come out? Will not be able to see /speak to my now 15 yr old, would that not be too heartbreaking for him? I've cried with pain & reget every day for the past eight years...I need to see them so this hole in my heart can finally start to heal and these tears of sorrow can turn to joy. I've been dying inside for eight long dark years and I need to live and love again, hopefully with my sons in my life. How do I do this the right way?

To all the cold hearted c*nts who think I am being selfish, here's the whole damn story. It started with an Evil Man named Joseph whom for some sick and sad reason thought it was his right to sexually molest any young girl he could get his hands on. Unfortunately that would be his daughters. For as far back as she can remember seeing him molest her was the first images she had of her own father. Her mother of course aware but in denial hates her for what she "makes" her father do to her, so on top of the sexual abuse she throws on the physical and mental torchure to round it out. Cruel unecessary hardships is what she endures as a child from expecting to get beat to a pulp for her sick excuse for a father using her to get off to having Christmas gifts taken away and given away to having to use hand me downs with holes already in them yet you are the oldest....18 She flees marries 1st man she falls for. Gets pregnant with first son 9 months later 2nd son trying to be the mom she never

had. All the while wishing for a little girl to give all the love she wished she had that of course she never recieved. And that's what she get's finally a baby girl, but being the mess she is she fails at her marriage and takes the baby girl to raise on her own. Which turns out to be so very stressful for such a young naive fun deprived abused child herself. DRUGS become a way of life and she discovers how much fun it is to go out with her friends and to date all kinds of men who have LOTS & LOTS of drugs. Luckily her daughter was cute and small enough to tag along or to let sleep in the back of her Convertible TR7 while she would be partying at the local nightclubs. I guess that can only go on so long before she eventually had to leave her home alone all night crying for her mother and even having to go as far as to leave her with her own Evil parents - AS A SACRAFICE?!

****You know what, this isn't even half the story so I will blog it at ...ummm..I'll let you know in a bit...*****

BUT I DID NOT GIVE THEM AWAY SO IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED HOLD ON.

And they're not with their father. He too lost all parental rights that day.....

Okay so that's me the sacrificial lamb. Growing up thinking drugs were not only legal but normal. Took my first hit of hash when I was 2 years old, must have been real cute....Naturally I grew up to be a druggie- cigarettes, drinking, popping pills, jellybeans, rainbows, weed, hash, brownies, acid tabs, mushrooms, beer with hard liquor, coke, snorted it, smoked it, all alongside my dysfunctional family- it was normal and pretty cool, always a party where ever I was at. Then I met Phil, their Dad, he smoked ice, the one thing I managed to stay away from...couldn't beat him so I joined him, thought he was the love of my life. Had our first son at 20 second son at 23, married the man at 24, left him and his abusive lying *** at 27-28, raised the boys on my own most of the time all the while leading that double life working and being a mom partying still. Met up with Chuck a decent hard working guy with similar lifestyles, Phil never once gave me any support for our children even when he

joined the Army and was getting paid for us and separation pay on top of that, he didn't feel it was his responsibility, after all, I left him. But I was use to it and did what I did to get by. Then we got raided and CPS swooped down and that was the last time I saw them. They never found any drugs in the raid and charges were never filed. I never did drugs in front of my children and they were always well fed, well groomed and fairly well behaved with a roof over their head in which I tucked them in every night with a hug and I love you.
I thought their father would get custody of them, being in the Army and all, but shockingly I was devastatingly wrong. I ifgured it was about time he get a little parenting in there and I could work it out with him to see them regularly...I was horrified when the judge said we would both lose parental rights. I wanted to die...that pain in my heart has never gone away. Holidays were useless, I was useless. Nothing to keep me in line anymore...I went

off the deep end. Trying to die. Doing all kinds of not well things. Landed me in Federal jail. Which kinda saved me. Cleaned me up for once in my life. And now I want my sons back in my life. But I want to do it the right way, I just can't figure out what that is...Any suggestions?

Answer 1

Write him a letter and send it in a birthday card. Take it slowly from there, let him make the first move after the letter.

Answer 2

You could start by contacting their father, if that is who your sons live with. Talk to him, tell him how you feel. And take it from there.

Simply showing up on the doorstep after eight years, on your eldest son's birthday, is not the right way to handle this -- you would be creating more emotional problems and internal conflict for your boys by being so impulsive and impromptu.

There was a reason you lost your rights eight years ago, and you are going to be required to prove yourself. Honor that requirement. Respect your ex and the great job he has done taking care of your boys. Prove yourself worthy to be in their lives now. And don't get your hopes up. Your sons may not want to see you right now. If that is the case, prepare yourself for that disappointment.

Best wishes.

Additional Comment:

What you endured as a child is awful. I am not going to go into detail, but I know a little bit about what you experienced, and have many family members who could also understand. You were basically "set up" to make bad choices because of the abuse, that is the tragedy of abuse many don't understand. And part of stopping the cycle, helping yourself so you can help your kids and someday your grandkids, is to realize that you made bad choices, get the help you need to stay clean and sober and get the help you need to live a rich, happy and productive life. Some people spend years in therapy to finally achieve peace of mind.

My answer above remains the same, but you can edit the part about your ex and insert the appropriate names that apply instead.

You made some bad choices, and whether you like it or not, you are going to face some harsh consequences for those choices. Someday, your son's will be ready to hear your story, and will probably understand .... but not right now. They are still so young. Patience is hard for recovering victims of childhood sexual abuse, but you can work on it with help from a good therapist and good members of a group therapy.

Best wishes.

Answer 3

why did you have to give them up, it must of been bad, i couldnt give you an answer unless i knew the whole story and not the fairytail!

Answer 4

well you give him away and then want him back when hes grown..thats not really fair to him..u cant just expect your son 2 say okay hi mom..lets go somehwre..thats not how it works!!!

Answer 5

it has to be his decision not yours

Answer 6

huh??