What the HECK is wrong with this man? Can you diagnose him?

Question

Background: I am 27 and my bf who is 36 are currently in a temporary longdistance relationship since he moved to Cali 2 months ago. I *was* planning to move in early Jan. 2 weeks ago he dumped me by ignorning me. Won't call me, answer my calls, texts or emails all because I emailed him that he needs to put more effort towards our relationship. Havent heard from him since, I am PISSED.

Him:

- Smokes weed several times daily, says he will "stop for the right person"
- Goes to a bar EVERY DAY after work to drink beer alone
- Talked about marriage on our second date and says all he wants in life is to be married and have kids, yet he has not proposed
- Is a skater, goes to skateparks and is not good at skating, watches skating videos and reads skating mags 24/7
- Doodles on paper a lot
- Is always pissed at the world for something or the other
- Says he has had bad luck with all previous relationships
- Road rage and curses at people driving
- Great in bed
- Few friends

- Says he needs *action* 4 times a day with a daily BJ
- Asks me all the time for naked text pics
- Sends me text videos of his thingy
- After I told him I was moving to him he calls me hardly ever and is never there when I call
- Checks out other girls
- Thinks that because he grew up on the mean streets of LA he has more common sense than others
- Told me he feels depressed
- Friends who know him says he has always acted depressed
- dresses like he is a 20 year old skater
- Likes to talk about how people get shocked when they see how he dresses outside of work
- Calls me man and dude
- Does farmer blows in front of me onto his floor
- his apartment has no furniture and is a mess with stuff all over and dirty
- when i was crying he left my apartment and said he wont deal with crying
- hates all holidays says its "just another day"
-

- not that attractive but has a *charisma* of confidence and manliness.
- told me i was the best thing to happen to him in a long time, yet he has ditched me

Answer 1

Dump him, he's 36 and still acting like a child. Is that really what you want?

Answer 2

Two scenarios I can think of - neither is what you will want to hear:

1. He has found someone else.

2. The weed and alcohol is helping to feed and "control" a personality disorder - prabably bipolar disorder or also called manic-depression. He may also have anxiety disorder and depression, which are close but do not include severe mood swings - where the person is up, even very up (almost high on life) for a time or so down he almost can not function and avoids everyone - family and friends and you.

Whatever the case, the weed and alcohol are often what bipolars, depressives and anxiety sufferers use to control ups and downs or "episodes." Of course, b/c they are drugs, they exacerbate the problem.

He also seems to have a possible attention deficit problem, but that can also be due to the weed and his possible/probable bipolar disease. I can't say for sure just by what you have said, but it does sound highly likely that he IS bi-polar.

He sounds up and down, and right now, he's probably in a down. Most up periods will cause a bipolar person to call everyone they possibly can and talk about how great life is and how everything is wonderful and feel like they can help everyone and be everything to everyone. They are absolutely honest about their past and believe they are a fully functioning person who has seen the light. They are ready to take on the world.

Most down periods are characterized by avoidance. In my experience, it tends to be result in shame and an overwhelming desire to be anyone but yourself.

I don't know how long you have known him, but perhaps you have noticed unusual highs, where he is so happy, thinking the world is his. This tends to last for several days. It then ends with him being very down, thinking everyone is against him, or lashing out at loved ones or anyone for no apparent reason.

All I can say is - if this is what you have experienced with him, he needs help. But, it isn't easy to help someone who doesn't think they need help or isn't ready. He has to know what is going and realize what he is losing before he will be ready for treatment.

I am sorry for what he has put you through. I know it is painful. Please don't blame his seeming not wanting you there as a sign of anything wrong with you... and it doesn't sound like you do. So, all I can offer is that he sounds mentally ill. And the frustration and being "pissed" is totally understandable and common with personality disorders, as well as, with those who abuse alcohol and drugs.
Take care! Hugs!
But know this. He has a problem and it sounds like several. You'll have to make the decision of whether or not to try to help him.

Answer 3

What's wrong with him? He's a 36 yr old skater. That's your problem. I used to date skaters a long time ago and found out that most of them are totally aimless human beings that really don't want to do anything that requires responsibility or accountability. Dating a 36 yr old skater is like dating a 12 yr old. He's pissed at the world because his life is going nowhere and isn't doing anything about it so he blames everyone else (great example of not taking accountability). His dream of skaterdom is a pipe dream, pun intended. He has an alcohol and drug problem obviously so that doesn't help his apparent laziness. Move on sister. How about dating a 36 yr old with a career and goals. No offense to you, because i know the allure of the skater guy. i've been burned by many myself, but it sounds to me like your guy hasn't grown up yet and at this rate, might never. His case isn't atypical at all. Besides, if he says he'll stop toking for the right person and he hasn't stopped for you, then he obviously doesn't think you're the one and you should just let him be the loser he is.

Answer 4

Honestly, it sounds like he needs to grow up a bit. Watch the thing with weed. That is like saying "I do it all the time and I'm not addicted." It sounds like he can't figure out what to do with his life, and it seems like you have a pretty good idea of what you want from yours. The fact that he can't figure out what to do with his life is frustrating him, which is why he is always pissed at the world. Finally, he is always looking for an escape to relieve his frustration -- the weed, the beer, the skating, the doodling, those are all escapes, ways to not focus. You are probably the best thing to happen in his life, so if he dumped you consider it a favor. He has his own problems to figure out before he can really be with someone else. Also, at the risk of sounding callous 36 is a bit old to still be struggling with all of these things. If he was 26 that might be a different story, but, just being honest, it sounds like a quarter-life crisis is going on about ten years after most people deal with one.

Answer 5

1. He's not grown up.
2. He does not realize that pot kills brain cells
3. Maybe he's been arrested, and therefore is unable to keep up his end of the bargain.
4. You don't need to be hanging out with someone who seems to not have any direction.
5. Does he even have a professional job?
6. There are other men great in bed, you may want to start looking for one of those.
7. Why does he have few friends? His choice or theirs?

This man is suffering from an early stage of male-menopause? Maybe an early onset of a 2nd childhood. Men do sometimes go through this, although 36 seems awfully early. Maybe he is having trouble coming to grips with the fact that he has not done anything with his life and it's half gone.

Answer 6

Sounds like some sort of manic thoughts probably caused by anxiety and depression. He needs to be counseled, not ridiculed. That will only lead to more erratic behavior. Ignoring those feelings from your relationship sounds like he may have some sort of attachment disorder. He's probably not doing it to you on purpose, and the drugs and alcohol certainly aren't a long term solution for him. Whatever it is that causes that irritability and isolation is the reason he avoids the confrontation (change that comes with moving) of a meaningful relationship with you. He probably feels that you cannot understand what he is going through or feels at times out of embarrassment for his mental health. Ask him to seek counseling and offer to go with him. Most of the time the hardest part is getting someone to agree, but you'd be surprised what you might find out.

Answer 7

I am 30, my ex is 38. Sounds like same type of guy. My ex told me he loved me after 2 weeks (while he was drunk), bought me $500 concert tickets after knowing each other for 10 days, drank daily, worked FOR his parents, lived in his best friends basement...this guy is obviously immature and maybe an addict. WHY ARE YOU PISSED!!?? Actually, are you pissed because he dumped you and not the other way around? Are you mad at yourself for sticking around and then being dumped? Embarassed? That's how I was. Don't be pissed, THANK HIM! He did you a favor and you're still young and fabulous...be prepared for him to text or call later on though...when he realizes what he lost (my ex did, I ignored all 3 messages).

Answer 8

He sounds like he's bi-polar manic depressive. Until he gets help he'll continue to be extreme in his behaviors and demonstrate constant mood swings. The only good thing about having a relationship with him is that you say he's good in bed. Other than that, he has nothing to offer you, or anyone for that matter. He probably knows this and simply wont admit it to you, hence the disappearing act. This guy is no catch. You need to move on and leave him alone.

Answer 9

He is suffering from stupid dumbass mother f@$&%# syndrome! Why would you want to move in with someone like that! Forget him and find someone that's clean, drug free, and attentive and caring about your feelings. With your luck maybe this guy overdosed and you don't have to deal with making sure both of you are in the clear about the break. OH, and if he said he would stop smoking weed for the right reason, and that you are the best thing in his life... shouldn't he have stopped smoking a long time ago?

Answer 10

Haha. Its sounds like we dated the same guy!! His name wouldn't happen to be mike would it??

Seriously though, I was in a two year relationship with a guy that I'd do anything for. He wouldn't let me hang out with my friends or go anywhere. he was very controlling and sexist. I did everything for him and the only thing that I asked was that he sto p smoking because he was a huge pot head and to show me a little affection. He told me that He'd stop for the right person and that he wasn't an affectionate person. I constantly caught him lieing to me, but never actually cheating on me though I am sure he did, so i was very up tight when He'd go out with his druggie friends. So then he started telling me that he was going out to the bar down the street to watch the bands that play by himself. When I got tired of it and finally broke up with him I found out that he was messing around with the neighbor across the street.

What he has is called immaturity. Everything you have said about your boyfriend is just like my ex. Trust me, he won't change, and the only reason your probably even with him is because you are waiting for him to change back in to the man you fell in love with in the beginning am I right?? Forget about him, you are way better off with out him.

Answer 11

I'm not a professional, but maybe bi-polar. To be blunt...consider yourself lucky and move on...he's 36 and still hasn't grown up and he's not exactly ideal parental material. As far as the relationship goes, the only good thing is he's good in bed and that's easy enough to replace.