Is it a bad idea to move in with my husband's Mom, Sister, Brother-In-Law and their 2 kids to save money?

Question

My husband and I are thinking of moving into a 7 bed, 4 bath house with the in-laws to save money. Our financial situation is tough right now and it would help us pay less in rent.

My mother-in-law is wonderful and welcoming, but the sister and her husband are a total nightmare. It's complicated, but basically the sister and her husband have taken over the house and have trashed it. They moved in 4 years ago saying it would be for 3 weeks. They never left and pay minimal rent. Now they occupy 6 bedrooms and 3 of the bathrooms.

The rest of the family wants us to move in and hopes that the sister and brother-in-law will move out because of it. My husband's family tip-toes around difficult subjects and avoids conflict beyond reason.

I want to move in if it can improve his Mom's situation and our own, but I just don't know if we will be able to handle it. Plus it sounds like the brother-in-law will restrict us to one bedroom and a shared bathroom with his kids now. Scary.

ok, I agree with you all that it would be tough. The rest of the family wants the sister and brother-in-law out and they are willing to have my husband and I do the dirty work with a bit of financial incentive for us.

The truth is that my mother-in-law is unhappy and is honestly not capable of telling them to leave. I say she should tell them to leave, but she never will. It is really sad. I've spoken directly to my mother-in-law about it and she ended up crying for days afterwards. She is just fragile and used to being taken care of by her previous husband's. She wants a man in the house no matter how awful he is. It is truly bazarre how she refuses to protect herself and her own property.

She recently turned to my husband and her other son for help.

I know it is not the best thing for my marriage, but I'm torn by what would be the right thing to do.

I thought moving in would be the right thing to do.

We have no kids ourselves. And my mother-in-law is a widow, so there's no father-in-law.

Thanks Julie A.

Yeah, I agree my MIL should ask them to leave. We are possibly entering the territory of financial abuse of an elderly person here. My MIL is 75. I have tried to educate myself on the subject and have spoken to geriatric professionals about it. Its pretty obvious really.
If they were strangers the family would evict them I'm sure. But they're family.
My sister-in-law and her husband lack decency and respect - that is just a fact. My MIL is being taking advantage of at a huge financial loss to herself. She pays for all the utilities still. I have been with my husband for 3 years and we've had a few family meetings about it already.
Everyone outside that house is worried about my MIL's future because, unlike the sister and her husband, my MIL no longer has any major income.
I have found the situation pretty heart-breaking and if I did have kids I wouldn't want them to be exposed to it. I want my future children to have respect for elderly people.

Thanks for all your input. This really helped me to hear unbiased thoughts on the situation. We will discuss a rental contract at the next family meeting. I will call that hotline to be prepared - thank you for the link.
Moving in won't actually save us a lot of money, just a little. It's not fully about money. A part of me wants to move in so we can evaluate the situation better.
My husband is a peace-keeper but he knows right from wrong and will support me, plus he'll make sure we exhaust more diplomatic options first. He's frustrated that his sister is involved in and struggles because he loves her. We feel we have a pretty good understanding of who's taking advantage of who at the moment, but we need to understand my MIL's needs and desires better. I don't know why she won't stand up to them. Without my MIL's open support, it seems unlikely that they will leave.
I am not proud that this is going on in my family. I definitely want it to change. Thanks again.

Answer 1

If it was me I would not move in, mainly because you said your own husband does everything to avoid conflict so I dont see how he would be of any help. But I do have an idea that could help you. Your mil is being abused. Its called elder abuse and you can get help for it. Check out the link for the elder abuse web site. They can help you hopefully. For this to work though someone has to take a stand somewhere. Personally I feel these leeches are worth alienating. They are definitely exploiting her.


If you suspect elder abuse, neglect, or exploitation, call
1-800-677-1116.

Answer 2

Your husband should be confronting his sister and her husband for what has been going on for the past 4 years Your mother in law is not a strong woman and is being taken advantage of. the bottom line is that at her age alone she really does not need a 7 bedroom home. I am sure she would be better off selling and getting herself a small 2 bedroom cottage with less to no maintenance. I would let your sister know that her time has run out. They had 4 years to save now they should have there own place. This is all for your husband to do not you but your mother in law needs to speak up to the bully.

Answer 3

I can relate with you because I have been in your shoes.
A couple of months ago my husband and I decided to buy a house. The house was being built and we wanted to save money so we moved in with my mother for 6 months. It was total hell! My husband, daughter and I were all in one bedroom and on top of that I was VERY pregnant. So I suggest trying to find other means only because I have lived with my mother.
She wasn’t used to children running around and the noises and messes that come along with them so that was a big issue in the house.
But then again not everyone is like my mom. She is just not one to have people in here house 24/7. If you do decide to move in with her be sure to sit down and have a looong talk before hand that way you don’t step over any boundaries and the same for you mother in law. It is always a hard call but if you think you can do it go for it. I am ALL about saving money!

Answer 4

Financial problems are tough enough!! Don't complicate it more by moving into an impossible situation. Sounds like the "others" should have been evicted longgg ago. It is up to your MIL to ask them to leave her house. Especially since they obviously have no respect for her hospitality, or belongings!!! 4 yrs. is ridiculous!!!! If she doesn't DEMAND control back, she may as well just Give them her house, she basically has already. She really Must talk to her daughter. And her daughter and son-in-law should be Ashamed!!! But I guarantee they WILL NOT leave unless "forced". Why Buy the Cow, when you can Get the for FREE?! Good Luck !!!!

Answer 5

How many kids do you have? And who says that the brother in law should have any say in how many bedrooms you get? I think that it's up to your husband's parents to decide the best living arrangements for everyone. Somehow I doubt that your inlaws will be motivated to leave once you move in~ especially when it sounds like they have it made over there! If your mother and father in law should talk to them and let them now that you need their help now,( just as they helped *them*), and it's time for them to either share some space, or move along. It's hard for anyone to say that~ especially older parents who have grandchildren living with them, I understand. But I don't think it would be a bad idea for you if your brother and sister in law stop acting like they own that house. If you can save money, you'll be glad you did it in the long run. And it sounds like there's lots of space there~ which will help. If your kids get along with their cousins, it will be fun for them, and I'm sure for your mother and father in law. There doesn't have to be a conflict. I think it's only fair that you are allowed the same helping hand that the other family got~ and they need to be humble when they are getting a hand out.
I wish I knew how this all turned out for you, but good luck!!

Answer 6

Okay money's tight, (for most of us too.) but is it worth your sanity. If you do decide to, the two of you are going to have to start out on the right foot. PUT IT IN WRITING!!! You will have a bedroom and bath of your own if your going to be paying rent. What are you going to do with the rest of your stuff, don't sell it, put it into storage until you have been ther at least four or five months and see if your going to be able to handle it. The utilities will be shared or a set ammount, but you will see the bills, not get told how much the are. Have your own phone lines or use cells, your phones are off limits. Are you all going to eat together? If so the grocery shopping should be done together with a plan for meals so that you know there are things there you two will eat, and not just tons of junk foods. If your not eating together, you will require time to prepare your meals and clean up behind your selves, and require space to store your things that will not be used by them ot their kids. You will help with, not do all of it, as far as house keeping goes, and there will be a day set aside for you for laundry that is convienant. No one is allowed in your room without you being there in the room otherwise keep out. In fact you need to buy a knob style lock for your bedroom door, you don't want someone to walk in on you undressed or busy. Your personal care products in the bathroom is not up for grabs, hands off. Maybe even a little lock for a cabinet. If you have a job that requires you to be there early then they will have to control the kids noise and theirs for that fact so that you can get what ever sleep you need. Be sure you have a television for your room because there is going to be a problem with who see's what. You may want to consider getting your own cable service. (Be prepared for cartoons.) If someone is playing music, it will not interfere with others. If there is a problem with parking, settle it first and for G**s sake do this before you move in. Think before you leap because it will be more expensive if you have to turn right around and move again.
GOOD LUCK.

Answer 7

I think it would be a big mistake to move in under those conditions. Nothing short of an eviction is going to get the sister & brother-in-law out of the cushy situation they're in. Those two are apt to make your life so miserable that you and your husband will start arguing and everybody will end up miserable. I would make every effort to find someplace else to live.

Answer 8

You said it all, scary!!!!!!!!!I Have you looked at other ways to improve financial situation?I guess that the house belongs to your mother in law, it should be up to her to kick the others out, I see nothing but sorrow ahead, and on the pessimistic side it could ruin your marriage, would they move out because you move in ? Not likely, they seem to have it sweet, there is more chance that they will make life a misery for you so that you will feel forced to move out again to keep your sanity, I feel for you but moving in a war zone is not a healthy choice good luck

Answer 9

don't do it! two families living under the same roof is hard enough, but three is a nightmare. your dear mother-in-law needs to set down some boundaries. she needs to have a serious family meeting and tell her daughter that she loves her, and wanted to help her out, but feels she is being taken advantage of. she needs to set a deadline for when they have to be out. be it thanksgiving, or christmas, or right after the new year. but she needs to do this for her own sanity.

if you move in, you will just be put in the middle of it, and that can cause stress on your relationship with your husband. as well as undue stress on your kids. try to work something else out. cheaper rent, one fewer car, less going out to eat...something. only move in there as a really last resort.
good luck.

Answer 10

Get this book: Rich on Any Income. Do exactly what it says! I got hold of it years ago, and even living on slim wages I had money for extras. Makes creating a budget and sticking to it pretty easy. Certainly will be much easier than living with the in-laws!