my bf and I have been dating for about 3 years, and its been a really rocky ride. we are serious and love each other a lot....but here's the problem: because we've both had our share of quirks (HIS immaturity, constant joking behavior, taking everything for granted, and MY nagging, emotional-ness, always wanting to discuss our probs)...we never get anywhere.
I DONT WANT ANYONE TELLING ME TO BREAK UP WITH HIM RIGHT AWAY...
i'm just looking for some advice because ive narrowed it down, but theres still a lot I want to talk to him about....but the minute I say the word "talk" he gets furious and tries to avoid me and the situation for as long as possible. I try to tell him that it saves us both a lot of time and pain to talk about things and figure out how to fix them right away rather than never knowing and then when the problem arises again, we get into trouble.
how do i fix this? i want him to realize what he does wrong without thinking i'm a nag...please give me practical advice!
2007-10-31 03:28:25 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
sounds so much like my relationship lol. I am the same way as your boyfriend and my girlfriend is the same way as you. usually I just think she is being stupid and that usually its not a big deal what she wants to talk about. I just think she wants to start problems that dont need to be started. I guess if he is anything like me, which it sounds like he is, its going to be hard. But just kinda like talk your way into it without jumping right into what you want to talk about. just tell him how important it is to you that he cooperates and listens to how you feel. Try not to make a big deal out of it, try and make it as non dramatic as you can.....and try and catch him in a good mood lol
2007-10-31 03:39:53 · answer #1 · answered by Jon 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Seems a little you take this a little more seriously than he does and thats not on to start with.
However since you know you can't talk face to face, why not try writing a letter?
It can convey all you want it too without the need to make him feel cornered and there is no need to be present when he reads it.
Give him time to digest it but also make it clear that you need/expect some response in a reasonable amount of time...
If he ignors it or doesn't take it seriously, then I would suggest you have deeper issues than you perhaps believe.
If you make it sound less acussatory, I reckon things will maybe be easier for him to absorb also.
Good luck with it though.
(And as an after thought, if it doesn't have any success then maybe suggest councelling.) :-)
2007-10-31 10:37:31 · answer #2 · answered by Jaws P 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm the exact way!!
You're not going to "fix" him. The only thing you can do is work on yourself. Your nagging and 'need' to talk is only driving him away. Relax a little and go with the flow. Hopefully with this, he'll want to be around you more and then bring up the issue.
Trust me, I'm almost 40, and still single because of this problem. Other than that, I'm the TOTAL package.
2007-10-31 10:35:26 · answer #3 · answered by ? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
And who is going to make you realize what you are doing wrong? If the relationship is going to be fixed, you both have to work on fixing it. For you to ask how YOU can fix it suggests that you are in control of the situation, which you certainly are not. When you stop feeling insecure, and stop trying to control this man, the relationship may start to grow. Until then, you can forget about fixing it. The man probably stops talking, because you don't listen. Better wake up, girlfriend.
2007-10-31 10:37:06 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He probably doesn't want to talk because he feels you are going to nag him and tell him all the things that is wrong with HIM. He's going to continue to put his guards up if he feels you are preaching to him instead of talking. Try a different approach.
Instead of sitting down telling him "We need to talk". Just ask about his day. About his feelings. Turn everything on him and show that you are concern. Don't point the finger about what he's doing wrong. Try to resolve your problems without blaming each other.
2007-10-31 10:43:11 · answer #5 · answered by Chartise 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
since the word "talk" brings tension, try writing him a letter explaining how you feel in detail. sometimes putting things on paper are better the spoken words, even though a face to face conversation allows you express more emotion. i had a similar problem in my relationship. my gf and i, set down though and told each other our likes and dislikes and agreed to work together to help each other fix the negative in our relationship. since we have expressed ourselves we have fallen in love all over and are doing better than what we where before
sometimes a different approach is needed. 3 years is a long time to just throw it all away. be patient with him, give him time to come around. when it comes to expressing emotions, its harder for me than women. agree to change your negative ways to better your relationship with him and maybe it will help him to do the same. remember that it will take both of you to really make it work because one without the other only creates a see-saw effect.
i hope this help
2007-10-31 10:43:48 · answer #6 · answered by EL' SHADIE' 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think one of the major issues women have with men is that they want to fix or change behavior of their bf to suit their liking. Men resent this and see it as nagging. If you love someone, your goal should not be to change them. In a relationship (and life in general) it is all about recognizing that all people are different and adapting to it. Besides, if you were able to change him, he would not be the same person that you fell in love with and you may actually drift apart.
2007-10-31 10:36:50 · answer #7 · answered by theshadowknows 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You don't tell him you want to talk. Tell him that something important is going on and you need to tell him about it. That should get his attention. If he is really acting like this tell him you want to take a break, no matter how painful it might be. He'll try to fix things if he's the rite guy 4 u.
GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!
2007-10-31 10:33:41 · answer #8 · answered by Kassy, The Princess of York 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was involved in a relationship that was very similar to your situation.
Everytime I said lets 'talk' he would back away and hide away in his shell.
This continued for months and months until one day we actually stopped talking. That was it ....over.
He kept avoiding the situation and I got more angry and resented him in the end.
I dont know what advice to give you..but if he can't talk about the problems your not gonna get very far babe..
I wish you all the best...
2007-10-31 10:36:13 · answer #9 · answered by glam 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try remebering/chatting about - why you both fell in love...work on that - relationships come with good and bad times so try not to annalyze so much - you will eventually drive yourself nuts!! Men are from mars....and Women from Venus is a fab book - explains alot :-)
2007-10-31 10:39:31 · answer #10 · answered by sunshine_mynx 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋