I'm 15, could you help me understand my parents?

Question

I live with them and my lil sister, 12 yo. I'm sure she's much more important to than than me, I feel like trash, though I don't think they have any reason to consider me like that. I'm a good student, have never got in trouble. This used to make me sad and depressed, but I found a way to preserve my mental health, I have older friends who are good emotional substitutes for my parents. I don't have any seriuos conflict w/ my parents, the last time I got a small punishment I was 10. We simply don't talk, I'm not important to them. My sister is a good girl but sometimes messes up, and she has their ful attention and love. Yesterday my parents got to know by my school that I was on the honor roll. They were proud (which is a selfish feeling ) but resentful because I didn't tell them. I didn't think this was important at all, I didn't do anything wrong, just on the contrary. I didn't share this w/ them, I let my school do it. I don't understand theirt resentment, could someone help?

Answer 1

They probably don't understand why you chose not to tell them... I don't.

I feel for your situation. I was the youngest in a family where the sister closest to my age was the obvious favorite despite the fact that (as I would find out years later) she had been in serious trouble and was a horrid hateful person to everyone but our parents. I never found anything I could do about it since my parents denied it all when confronted - and family members litterally begged them over the years trying to make them see but it never helped. When I grew older I just distanced myself from my family. Really I always felt like an outsider anyway. By the time I was 30, both parents had passed away and that's all there was to it. I rarely talk to any of my sisters now and my "family" consists of my husband.

I just tried to grow up strong, and reassured myself often that none of it was my fault. I bore the anger well into my 20's, but once I let it go, I just felt sorry for their torn up dysfunctional family and glad that I was free from it at last.

Answer 2

I think you're misunderstanding your parent's emotions. You see how they treat other people, but you don't really recognise how they treat you. You dismiss many actions (like getting that honour roll) as something that doesn't matter, so even as simple as a smile or a pat in the back every now and then might be ignored by you.
However, if you feel that this is not the case, the cure for lack of communication between both parties is if YOU start talking to them. They probably feel ignored by you, especially when you didn't tell them something as great as an honour roll.
My opinion is that you're the only one here downplaying yourself. How does your sister treat your parents? Does she talk to them often? Try make them smile? That's probably the best way to get things better within you guys.
I'm glad though, that you're trying to understand them. Not many people your age would look at it that way. If you were my kid, I'd be proud. And being proud is not a bad thing - not unless you're bragging about it. =]

Answer 3

I can't say for sure but I can give an opinion. Sometimes when parents have a child that is doing really well IE good grades, smart, making good choices, not a behavioral problem etc...., they assume that you are fine and doing well. Especially, if they have another child who is getting in trouble,struggling or making bad choices. It is easy to fall into the mistake of giving the one exhibiting the problems all of the time and attention and not realizing that your other child, who is not so verbal and whose problems are not so obvious is struggling too.
If you need something from them, you've got to let them know. They can't read your mind. Just be prepared, they may not can be the parents you want and need. It is good that you have made friends and built your own support system.
Good Luck!

Answer 4

You said when they found out about the honor roll they were proud. Maybe they feel left out of your life and feel the way to be a good parent is give you space. If you aren't telling them whats going on in your life they might feel that is what you want. Most teens your age usually don't want anything to do with their parents. I suggest you slowly start telling them how your day went and go from there.

Answer 5

I think they are probably more hurt than resentful. Maybe they are following your lead here. If you act like you'd rather not have them involved in and interested in your school activities and your social life, then they are trying to respect your wishes and not intrude. Tell your parents that you want to include them in your life, to get their advice and input as you enter adulthood and start making adult decisions. Tell them you'd appreciate having them all to yourself (no little sister) for an hour or so once a week and ask if they can schedule a time for that. I think they'll be delighted.

Answer 6

You and your parents feel disconnected from each other and you're each waiting for the other to make a connection. Your parents feel left out of your life and that makes them feel sad. They resent your not telling them you're on the honor role the same way you resent them not paying attention to you. It's pretty much the same feeling.

Often parents of teens don't know how to relate to their teen aged kids. Many teens get into trouble and rebel and pull away from their parents. It's possible you've been pulling away from them without realizing it because you feel you're unimportant to them. It sounds like your sister has found a way to get their atttention. She sometimes messes up so they think they need to give her more time. Because you do what you're supposed to do they think you don't need them as much. You may not currently have their full attention but I suspect you do have their love. They're just not sure how to show it.

This is actually a perfect time for you all to reconnect with each other. Right now they're feeling a little resentful because you didn't tell them about the honor roll. You could open a conversation with them by apologizing for not telling them and then tell them why you didn't. Your conversation could start like this:
Mom and Dad, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the honor roll. I didn't do it to hurt you I just didn't think you'd care. I feel like I'm not that important to you. I feel like sis gets your full attention and I feel like I'm not really part of the family.

Use your own words but talk about your feelings. Don't accuse them of not caring just tell them what you feel. They may be feeling like you don't want to be part of the family. You just need to start communicating a little more openly with each other and telling each other how you feel about things. Don't assume you're not important to them. You are just as important to them as your sister. They just need a little help from you in knowing how to show their love.

From what you write you have a lot to be proud of. First you have supportive friends who help you through your emotional times. Some kids in your position would get in trouble or get involved with substance abuse of some kind. You opted to take the smart way. You have supportive people to help guide you. I suspect your parents would love to be included in that circle. You also have every right to be proud of your academic achievement. Don't worry about being selfish. That's actually a good thing. It means you're taking care of yourself. And if you don't, who will? Congratulations on being such a great kid!!

Answer 7

Not resentment, hurt. They would like to share that good feeling of being on the honor roll. Open yourself up to your parents, they will not hurt you. They can't share unless you let them.

Answer 8

Hi hon...

You are the oldest, and sometimes the oldest child is left in the dust when a younger sibling comes along... sad, but true.

perhaps you could ask your parents to talk and let them know how you are feeling... ask them what you can do to make your relationhips better?

this is bothering you or you would not have asked. i also suggest talking with your school counselor for more help and advice...

sending hugs.

Answer 9

mayb cuz ur a boy they kno u can take care of urself..and ur at that age now where u dont need that much attention cuz ur at a responsible age now...ur sister on the other hand is younger then u and ur parents still need to give her some guidence...if this really bothers you just have a heart to heart with ur mom or ur dad or better yet both of them!

Answer 10

maybe when u leave for college and they start missing you , you;ll see hoe much they;ll love u.