his mother passed and father stood in court and gave him to m e .now he resents me for not being his real mother and believes his life would be better if he lived with his father.he is acting out and stated he wants a real family.i explained to him that he is with a real family.i am so hurt and i love this child i want to get him couseling and myself as well but i am angry all he believes that is his life is awful even thou i took him from a drug house and put him in a middle class life.help me help this child and myself i am trying to get him a bigbrother what else can i do?
2007-10-31 02:58:08 · 6 answers · asked by sylvia 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Get the counseling,you both desperately need it. Good luck...
2007-10-31 03:15:13 · answer #1 · answered by kitkat 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The child is hurt from being the state he is in now. Hard on children when a parent dies, plus the way his father done to him. Well that makes it even more harder on the boy.
But right now, he going thur all that and no matter what you try to do. He is going to act out in a hurtful manner. But like they say, time heals all wounds. Sometimes it takes longer with others then some.
He wants to contact his father, least see if his father would call him. Or have him give the father a call himself, I know you are protecting the boy, I would too if I was in your place.
But kids are going to act or in either way. You didn't say how long it was since all that happen to him.
But let him cool off and try to get his life gather up what left of it. Right now all his feelings and emotions are being bottle up inside. Which is not good either even for a child.
Keep reminding him, that you are his family no matter if he close his ears and walk away. Keep saying You love him, and was happy that he is in your life. Try to make your self happy even if it not.
Bite your lip and go on from there. Even if you wanna scream and claw the rooftop. Then in time, when he is calm down and his life is back on track. Things will try to become easy, I know there no easy button in life.
But stand your ground same as he is. Let him know you love him and more each day. No matter what he does to seem to hurt you. We were all kids at one time, and even if we didn't go thur what he has. But still we didn't won't to listen half the time and etc.
Good luck,and take care. Hope things work out for the best.
2007-10-31 10:16:52 · answer #2 · answered by kygl28 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sylvia, 11 yr old can be quite contrary, even under "normal" circumstances. I have one, she is all drama, all the time. Your nephew is trying to work through his emotions, and unfortunately for you, it is coming out towards you. I didn't know my biological father, my step father adopted me. I had the same thoughts and emotions, I wanted out of my life, I wanted what I thought I should have, my natural family. I do know now that my parents did what was best for me at that time during my life. He is hurt and angry and it doesn't matter who is there to pick up the peices, he's still stuck on why they fell apart. Your nephew needs someone to talk to that can relate. That helped the most for me at least. You have to let him grieve for the loss of his immediate family. It may take years, he will be angry, he will be hurt, and he will feel lost. Because quite honestly, you wonder what is wrong with you that your own father doesn't want you. You don't see it as there may be something wrong with him, thats why you don't have a relationship with him, you think it is you, and when that hurts to much, you blame those around you. There isn't anything anyone can say that will take those feelings away. Does his father have any family members who are willing to talk to your nephew. I know that helped me. And please please find someone he can talk to now, don't wait. I didn't have anyone I could talk to until recently. It would of done so much more for me if I would of done it sooner. Eventually though when your nephew is older he will want his father to answer these questions, make sure the door is always open for your nephew, regardless of the fact if his father even wants to account to his son why he made those choices for him. Sylvia, please always be honest with your nephew about his father, it hurts way to much when you realize the people who have always been there for you (meaning you), kept any information from you about your biological family. It may be a lot for an adolescent to deal with, but he will really resent you if he learns later on that you had information and would not tell him. I'm there now.
2007-10-31 10:21:39 · answer #3 · answered by Sun R 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is still hurt and angry about his mother dying and he will take it out on whom ever he is around. He may believe that the life he had was better cause that is all he knew for yrs. he got used to that and now has to get used to a whole new place, new people,new way to go about the day, and if he had to switch schools new school and kids.
It is a difficult time for him and I am sure the father gave him up to u out of love for his child. The father may have thought that givin him up to u was better because his son would have a better life with u than him...the father dosnt want his son around drugs he wants him to have a better life and loves his son enough to know that u would do right by him.
I say if the child wants to contact his father then u get ahold of him yourself and tell him his son would like to talk to him if only for a min. let childs father tell the boy himself why he is with u instead of him if the father wont talk to him sit him down and tell him yourself ...but dont make him hate his father that would be wrong..u need to tell him his father loves him alot but isnt doin well so he wanted u to take care of his son for him and give him things he can't..that he loved him sooo much he is givin him the gift of a better life away from all the bad stuff. And that one day when his father is better he will se him again. And remind him that he is loved by u ..maybe u should ask him his fave memories of his mom and dad even though u may not want to talk about it the child does and he needs u to listen.
2007-10-31 10:19:19 · answer #4 · answered by intensity92000 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is only natural at some point that he would have some confusion, anger and feelings of abandonment. Since his Mom and Dad aren't there, you are the one that is catching the brunt of these emotions.
It is also only natural that he should want to see his biological father.
I suggest getting some individual counseling for him to deal with his anger, confusion and feelings. I suggest family therapy to give you some support, someone to talk to and some ideas on how to deal with these issues.
It may be that he needs to talk to his father and his father reject him again, now that he is old enough to remember so he can get over this fantasy, dream that his Dad is going to come and save him and it was all some big mistake. As painful as that is.
All you can do is keep telling him how much you love him.
2007-10-31 16:20:11 · answer #5 · answered by wondermom 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Go the counselling route this child obviously has issues to resolve (who wouldn't given the situation described).
Thank goodness he has an Aunt like you who loves him so much and welcomed him into your home. You sound like a wonderful person and pray things work out through counselling.
2007-10-31 10:15:26 · answer #6 · answered by Choqs 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋